The hard part about trying to change your life is what to do when it actually changes. I went trotting off to these auditions in NYC looking for a change. They were, quite frankly, depressing on so many levels, but they went well, and I got several offers. I've actually taken one of the offers, Memorial Day to Labor Day, 6 plays in 14 weeks. With any luck I can take my computer and give bulletins from afar.
Work is what I wanted. I got work. I get four months completely free of an office, working my butt off as an actor, which is EXACTLY what I wanted. So of course, now I am petrified. And I don't want to go.
Actually, that fear is a good sign. I always get it before good experiences. I dread them, I fight against the oncoming growth and excitement and long to burrow my head in the sand and do nothing. Then the thing I am dreading almost always turns out beautifully. But that doesn't stop me from dreading and fearing it, NO!
I remember the moment I realized I must secretly like change. I was waiting for a train, watching the pigeons flirt with the red and green ceiling, thinking about how much I hate change, when it dawned on me how much change I had forced myself into over the years. I had been bouncing from place to place, trying new lives on like sunglasses, always moving forward to find the next part of my life. Wow, I thought, if I really hated change, surely I would have just stayed in one of those places and tried to make a go of it.
In a way, I've done that in Chicago, with success, stayed put and tried to make things work. But now I'm restless, and rather than just suppress the restlessness, I'm going somewhere new to meet new people.
I know I'll learn, but, boy, I hope I have fun.
