Soundtrack

I miss being possible.  I feel like as I am getting older, I'm less possible.  As if I'm walking down a hallway in one direction, so all the doors I've passed are closed forever.

But this is a misperception, surely?  I pass different doors nowadays, certainly, but the supply of them is neverending, or at least, is only limited by my own imagination.

I can tell myself that, and it holds true when I look at other people's lives.  I can witness all around me the people who at any age, are ageless and fantastic because they explore life no matter what.  No matter what they explore, it brings them energy.  And I can see people who got old just because they sank into their lives, like sandcastles washed away by the tide.  I can SEE it and my mind believes it.

My heart is infected with doubt, though, and in the dark, late hours of the night, all I hear is the doubt.

Right now I'm trying to find a really great soundtrack for my life, and crank it up, so I drown out that doubt.  Any suggestions? 

No One Complained

There are lots of times in my life I've walked out on a limb and it has broken off the tree.  Naturally, the mere idea of trees is enough to leave me swimming in regret. 

But, as I've been saying, I don't seem to be able to learn from my incessant failure, so here's another poem for the three people who stop by.  You don't have to like it, but no one's making you read it, so don't be unkind.

18 March 2011

Cavities, Rachel realized, could be growing for years

undetected, unfelt, no one the wiser.

By the time you knew you had a cavity it was

too late, time for a root canal or worse.

But they weren't really a surprise, you could

have found them any time, just let a dentist

poke around, take a picture or two.

Why, then, thought Rachel,

since it was your mouth, after all,

should you be the last to know?  Why not

wake up and feel the empty space growing in you?

That your body kept such things secret from you,

Rachel didn't feel they were on the same side anymore,

she and her teeth.  Or gums?  She wasn't sure.

It gnawed at her.

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

So, I can tell you're bored, because of the way you've been messing with me.  In the past month, you've given me more surprises than I thought I was equipped to handle, made me question things I thought were rock solid and exploded myths I've held on to for years.  Congratulations.  I AM thoroughly confused, and find myself capable of all sorts of things I never imagined, while still without the opportunities to make the life changes I've been planning.

I'll say this for you, Universe - you have a great and quirky sense of humor, and I've always liked that in a person.  Thought you may be bored enough to play around with me and my future, I have Not Been Bored At All.  I've been buying lots of high heels and short dresses and makeup, too, just to make sure I'm ready for whatever you have next in mind.

You should know that I've learned absolutely nothing yet, so if you have a specific point, I haven't grasped it. 

But I'm not down.  Now I'm just waiting.

Your move, universe.