Hey, future me! Right now, present me is tired like you would not believe. Please, please tell me you have stopped lugging everything around on your freakin' bike - your spine cannot take the weight of your stupid shoulder bag. Go buy a bungee net to strap stuff on the rack, girl. You just took a half-inch off your height with this foolishness.
Ok, but that aside (because you'll have forgotten about it by whenever you read this over again): things are GOOD today. Really good! You got paid a huge wad of cash this week, you've got acting work lined up for six months, you're doing a 7th day of filming tomorrow, money will automatically be deposited into your account overnight, people keep fbing you and calling you to say they've seen you on tv. You get to be home with your own family for Christmas (and yes, future me, you may be rolling your eyes, I'm sure this was the Christmas someone had a big meltdown, and it was probably you, but let's hope not), and you're getting brand new tires on the car this week. You. Are. In. The. Pink.
Right now, you're exhausted. Give it up and go to bed, lady. It's a losing fight - you need some sleep. But I just wanted to leave you this note to say: sometimes, you win one. And you have. So at least sometimes, sometimes, sunshine, you're a winner in your own story. This week was one of those weeks. Yes, yes, I know, you might blow that audition on Monday and spend the next month living it down, but on the other hand you might ace it, and then you'd almost have more work than you know what to do with. Wow! That would be a cool problem to have. It could happen, you know. The things you want are actually within your reach right now. Right now. RIGHT NOW. That's incredible. Enjoy it.
And seriously, buy a bungee net. RIGHT NOW. Heh.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Trying not to worry
I spent some time this weekend with someone I love who is more likely to die than most of us. I come from a long line of people who have perfected what I call "selective self-awareness", hence, in my genes is the ability to block out certain unsettling truths. With that in mind, I think this particular 88 year old is doing pretty well, overall, and with some rest, may yet get back to some good months or years throwing around a quip and laughing at animatronic stuffed animals.
Now there's a short pause in my life, giving me time to wonder about all the people I've lost and am likely to keep losing. These wholes never do seem to fill up - like an aerated lawn that never fills in, I'm left pocked and hollow, aware of absence if not with the details.
We keep going, though, missing those pieces all the while. Is there something that truly keeps those people with us, besides sentiment? Do they live in the objects we keep that may be theirs, the phrases they trademarked as we use them, the tics and mannerisms and habits they passed on?
I don't know. I only know I'm grateful the person we were visiting is still there to visit, and I dread the day she isn't, even though, guiltily, I know I can survive her death. The ones I'm not sure I can survive will be my parents. Here's hoping it will be a long long time before I have to prove to myself such a thing is possible.
Now there's a short pause in my life, giving me time to wonder about all the people I've lost and am likely to keep losing. These wholes never do seem to fill up - like an aerated lawn that never fills in, I'm left pocked and hollow, aware of absence if not with the details.
We keep going, though, missing those pieces all the while. Is there something that truly keeps those people with us, besides sentiment? Do they live in the objects we keep that may be theirs, the phrases they trademarked as we use them, the tics and mannerisms and habits they passed on?
I don't know. I only know I'm grateful the person we were visiting is still there to visit, and I dread the day she isn't, even though, guiltily, I know I can survive her death. The ones I'm not sure I can survive will be my parents. Here's hoping it will be a long long time before I have to prove to myself such a thing is possible.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Try, try again
Right. So the election got me thinking about being closed-minded. About deciding your side was right and therefore the other guy was some expletive and only worthy of derision or distaste. And YES, there are things I abhor, and in no world are they ok, ever. Rape - not ok. Killing of human beings, I have a problem with that. I have a huge chip on my shoulder about women only being valued for their face value and not for their brains. That problem also extends to making assumptions about the abilities of any people based on their race.
But. There are also a ton of things that I don't personally like and I'm not personally all right with, that I have to find space in my life to let someone else appreciate. Because if everyone needs to be exactly like me, to want what I want and believe what I believe, life is going to be insanely boring.
Look, perfection is not the lot of the human being. I'd like a kinder, gentler world, but the truth is that certain behavior is right at certain times, while completely out of place elsewhere. Human beings make a lot of mistakes. Often, we even love each other for those mistakes.
One of the points I was actually trying to make in a previous post about the election is that I couldn't imagine coming calmly to terms with Romney winning. But I want to be able to do that - to accept that what I want might not be the only choice, and that electing Romney didn't have to mean the ruination of the country. I was truly distraught on election night 2004 as Bush beat Kerry, but I had no choice but to make peace with it. It had happened, and it was going to have to be lived through.
I didn't feel the ability to resign myself to Romney in the same way. BUT I WANTED TO. I wanted to be better than the other side, who are still gnashing their teeth and crying foul play. I wanted the ability to be graceful in defeat, and I don't think I had that ability anymore.
I regret that. I don't want to hate 59% of my home state. I don't want to write off someone who disagrees with me just for disagreeing with me. If they believe Obama was born in Kenya, ah, hell, that's just ridiculous, we're not both operating in reality anymore. But if they believe government needs to be smaller and they're tired of giving the poor handouts, I may not agree but I can respect that.
However, it's hard. I want what I want to be right. Still, if I decide it's right and I never allow any other thinking in, I'll never grow or change or adapt or be given the tools from a new perspective.
The truth is, if I can't adopt more than one perspective, I cannot tell a story. And that's what I love, really. Even more than being right.
But. There are also a ton of things that I don't personally like and I'm not personally all right with, that I have to find space in my life to let someone else appreciate. Because if everyone needs to be exactly like me, to want what I want and believe what I believe, life is going to be insanely boring.
Look, perfection is not the lot of the human being. I'd like a kinder, gentler world, but the truth is that certain behavior is right at certain times, while completely out of place elsewhere. Human beings make a lot of mistakes. Often, we even love each other for those mistakes.
One of the points I was actually trying to make in a previous post about the election is that I couldn't imagine coming calmly to terms with Romney winning. But I want to be able to do that - to accept that what I want might not be the only choice, and that electing Romney didn't have to mean the ruination of the country. I was truly distraught on election night 2004 as Bush beat Kerry, but I had no choice but to make peace with it. It had happened, and it was going to have to be lived through.
I didn't feel the ability to resign myself to Romney in the same way. BUT I WANTED TO. I wanted to be better than the other side, who are still gnashing their teeth and crying foul play. I wanted the ability to be graceful in defeat, and I don't think I had that ability anymore.
I regret that. I don't want to hate 59% of my home state. I don't want to write off someone who disagrees with me just for disagreeing with me. If they believe Obama was born in Kenya, ah, hell, that's just ridiculous, we're not both operating in reality anymore. But if they believe government needs to be smaller and they're tired of giving the poor handouts, I may not agree but I can respect that.
However, it's hard. I want what I want to be right. Still, if I decide it's right and I never allow any other thinking in, I'll never grow or change or adapt or be given the tools from a new perspective.
The truth is, if I can't adopt more than one perspective, I cannot tell a story. And that's what I love, really. Even more than being right.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Closed Minded
All right. It is true that sometimes I'm a jerk. I like knowing things, and I like to be helpful, and quite often those two combine in a way that could be considered unpleasant.
Also, apparently my poker face around those I think are idiots isn't the best.
I do try to make up for it by being completely on the side of things I adore. And I try to listen and ask questions.
Um, this wasn't what I was trying to say. Hmmm.
I should erase this and start again. I'll do that...maybe tomorrow.
Also, apparently my poker face around those I think are idiots isn't the best.
I do try to make up for it by being completely on the side of things I adore. And I try to listen and ask questions.
Um, this wasn't what I was trying to say. Hmmm.
I should erase this and start again. I'll do that...maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
Worried
I feel physically sick, and I have a headache. It could be what I ate plus what I drank (coffee), but it could also be the election.
I have spent the last few weeks especially trying very hard to keep my mind open - oh, not in terms of who I was voting for, no, no, I was set on that long ago. Truth be told, the word "socialist" is not dirty to me, and though I don't believe anything Obama has done contributed to socialism in the USA, I would be thrilled if it had. Having lived in a country with universal health care, I yearn for it. I have no problem whatsoever with giving more of my income in order to make sure everyone has a basic level of care. I think a society run purely on capitalistic principles is one where the beating heart is money and only money, and I don't think money makes a good heart for a nation or a person or a philosophy.
BUT - and here's the absolutely headache-inducing problem - I can see why someone else would feel differently. I can see why someone would say, hey, I worked for this and you have no right to take it to assist someone who hasn't lifted a finger. That's not how I see the issue, but I do understand a little about the other side, and while I don't agree, I can see some of their points.
These tense, rabid weeks, I have been trying to open my mind up to why the Romney camp believes Romney is the way forward, not because I personally want any of what Romney offers, but because I don't want to dismiss someone who disagrees with me as stupid, or ill-informed, or evil. It's half the country, folks. It has to be more complicated than that.
So, here we are. Down to the wire. And while I have trouble respecting Romney voters as much as I respected McCain voters (Mitt's constant morphing has made me deeply suspicious of him), I have been trying to do just that. The problem? I cannot want him to win. I can't even be ok with the idea of him winning. I desperately, desperately want Obama to have a second term - and I fully admit I am not a fan of the first term, that I am disappointed in much of what has happened or not happened. But I don't want ANY of what Romney wants. More accurately, I don't want any of the Republican platform. I don't want corporations to be people. I don't want gays to lose the opportunity to marry. I don't want an abortion, but I don't want to make abortion illegal, and I don't want any lawmaker taking that choice away from whoever might need to make it. I don't want the rich to get more tax cuts. I think Obamacare is going to be painful in part as we figure it out, but I don't want go back to the way things were, I want to try the changes. I don't even want smaller government (*gasp*).
So here, on the eve of the election, I am terrified. I want a nation that values the things I value, and I am terrified I will wake up in one that has proven with its votes that it does not.
It should go without saying that despite living in a state that everyone knew would overwhelmingly vote for a particular candidate, I voted. I don't usually write about politics because taking sides shuts you off from an opinion. Eliminating possible opinions is a two-dimensional place from which to build a character. Put more simply: you need all sorts of opinions to tell a story, so deciding some opinions are invariably wrong just leaves you poorer. But tonight I'm a citizen, and I'm scared, and this is what I'm thinking about.
I don't want to live in a corporation. I hope enough people agree.
I have spent the last few weeks especially trying very hard to keep my mind open - oh, not in terms of who I was voting for, no, no, I was set on that long ago. Truth be told, the word "socialist" is not dirty to me, and though I don't believe anything Obama has done contributed to socialism in the USA, I would be thrilled if it had. Having lived in a country with universal health care, I yearn for it. I have no problem whatsoever with giving more of my income in order to make sure everyone has a basic level of care. I think a society run purely on capitalistic principles is one where the beating heart is money and only money, and I don't think money makes a good heart for a nation or a person or a philosophy.
BUT - and here's the absolutely headache-inducing problem - I can see why someone else would feel differently. I can see why someone would say, hey, I worked for this and you have no right to take it to assist someone who hasn't lifted a finger. That's not how I see the issue, but I do understand a little about the other side, and while I don't agree, I can see some of their points.
These tense, rabid weeks, I have been trying to open my mind up to why the Romney camp believes Romney is the way forward, not because I personally want any of what Romney offers, but because I don't want to dismiss someone who disagrees with me as stupid, or ill-informed, or evil. It's half the country, folks. It has to be more complicated than that.
So, here we are. Down to the wire. And while I have trouble respecting Romney voters as much as I respected McCain voters (Mitt's constant morphing has made me deeply suspicious of him), I have been trying to do just that. The problem? I cannot want him to win. I can't even be ok with the idea of him winning. I desperately, desperately want Obama to have a second term - and I fully admit I am not a fan of the first term, that I am disappointed in much of what has happened or not happened. But I don't want ANY of what Romney wants. More accurately, I don't want any of the Republican platform. I don't want corporations to be people. I don't want gays to lose the opportunity to marry. I don't want an abortion, but I don't want to make abortion illegal, and I don't want any lawmaker taking that choice away from whoever might need to make it. I don't want the rich to get more tax cuts. I think Obamacare is going to be painful in part as we figure it out, but I don't want go back to the way things were, I want to try the changes. I don't even want smaller government (*gasp*).
So here, on the eve of the election, I am terrified. I want a nation that values the things I value, and I am terrified I will wake up in one that has proven with its votes that it does not.
It should go without saying that despite living in a state that everyone knew would overwhelmingly vote for a particular candidate, I voted. I don't usually write about politics because taking sides shuts you off from an opinion. Eliminating possible opinions is a two-dimensional place from which to build a character. Put more simply: you need all sorts of opinions to tell a story, so deciding some opinions are invariably wrong just leaves you poorer. But tonight I'm a citizen, and I'm scared, and this is what I'm thinking about.
I don't want to live in a corporation. I hope enough people agree.
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