I've had some things said to me recently and kept my response to myself because I didn't want to offend or it wasn't appropriate. But last night I did a performance that reanimated my ass-kicking part of myself and now I'd like to unload a few of these lingering comments.
The comments reference multiple discussions with multiple people. If you're reading this, I probably wasn't talking to you, though there's a chance I am talking about you.
***
First: I don't need you to feel bad for me to feel better. We're not playing stand-stoop-sit, where only one of us can be happy at a time and if it's me, that means you've got to be lowly. I'm just living my life - it doesn't need to effect your status. I might even be happier knowing that you're ok, too.
Second: Yeah, I was a serial want-what-I-can't-haver. It's plenty safe, and easy too - you don't have to change a thing about yourself and your lifestyle if you fall in love with someone you can't make progress with. It works with locations and jobs, too - spend your days knowing you're walking out the door, and it gets a lot easier to treat people poorly or just leave the essential courtesies undone. But don't expect life to deepen and grow if you're cheating yourself out of the possible next. Mine didn't for a long time.
Third: If you get a kick out of being unhappy, don't let me stop you. But don't make me commiserate if it's what you created and decided to keep.
Fourth: I can't speak for everyone, but I do not like to know we had the same experience with the same boy. I like to pretend to myself that I am a unique individual, and that I encounter others uniquely, that I bring some spark or fire that only I have. Frankly, it pisses me off that I wasted brain space on someone who opted out of the experience that is me, so I really don't like the idea that I was just pugged in to the same lame schtick he's been pulling on everyone else. I am not thrilled by the idea that we share that experience. Especially if yours was in high school and mine was 10 years later.
Let's be clear - it's fine that he opted out, that's his right, I just wish I'd been able to opt out right after that point. It's the time _I_ wasted that I mind.
Five: I am indeed getting married. But to make this perfectly clear, it does not actually solve any of my problems. I have company during them, perhaps, if it's a good marriage, but I don't get a get-out-of-unhappiness-free card. You see how all the married people are naturally happier than the non-married people? No? Exactly.
As well, I was single for a long, long, long time (about 10 years), and I was perfectly capable of living with just myself. Getting married now does not magically wipe that experience from my life.
Six: I cannot imagine not being able to spend time with myself. If I could not be in a room alone and read or watch tv or work on a project or otherwise just be fine coping with myself, I would not be in any shape to marry, let alone function.
Seven: I am indeed lucky in my fiance. He's great. But like any relationship, there are some tradeoffs. The things he offers are much greater than the things I have to relinquish, but there's no one out there who has everything in one other person.
I will never get him to reproduce the dance from the Thriller video at our wedding, for instance. And really, wouldn't that kick ass? I'm having trouble getting him to dance for 4 minutes with everyone watching. Don't get me started on the stubbornness either. It's a good thing he's so cute and such a champion snuggler.
Damn. I ruined the Damn Straight! tone right then, didn't I.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Better...
So after a lot of talking with my (our) therapist, things are much better with my mother. We've had two very very long talks on the phone about wedding details, and they've been cooperative and civil. All our conflict has been assigned to my bad temper ("are YOU feeling better?"), but let's do whatever it takes to get this show up with as many people feeling happy about it as possible.
And I've gotten exctied about it again! Hooray! And there are so many things to take care of that, far from being bored, I am getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. I like the things that get completed, though, we're actually trying to inject our personality into the gifts we give people. I'm sure as soon as the wedding is over we'll think of hundreds of ways to do this that would have been better than what we're doing, but hey, we're having fun working on this stuff together. Actually, we sat down and made a budget and a plan for the gifts we're trying to give at the wedding, and I am soooo happy we did that.
Now, the down side is that I have no real time for anything else. So the friend of mine who has called me every night for 5 nights in a row needs to stop. Why on earth does she need to talk to me before the wedding?? Wouldn't it be better to talk to me after the wedding and hear how it went? I never really thought about it before, but the very last time you need to be pestering someone is in the month before their wedding.
Of course, I have other problems with this particular person, mostly that I don't really care about talking to her. Another friend of mine has been trying to reach me, and it still won't happen, I still won't have time to talk to her before the wedding, but she doesn't irritate me. She's actually going to be at the wedding, so that's great.
I think when I leave town for the wedding I'll have to change my voicemail:
"Hi, you've reached Elizabeth. I'm getting married in a week, and you should know that if you leave me a message, I will not call you back, no matter who you are or how much I may love you. If this is one of my agents, I have booked out for this time and will not have time to call you back and remind you about it, so DON'T leave me a message about an audition. Unless it's after April 10, I can't make it. Not negotiable.
Now, don't get offended, I am unable to call you back because I am either a) desperately working to finish some inane task, like putting together gift bags for all guests, b) desperately trying to balance the agenda of my mother, my father, my fiance, and everyone else who gives us such "helpful" advice, c) desperately trying to get some sleep so I do not look like a zombie bride, or d) all of the above, and some more "surprise" tasks I didn't know about until I got home.
If you're invited to the wedding, I'll see you there. If you weren't, please know that I wasn't able to invite who I wanted because my parents are throwing their one and only wedding and they had to invite hundreds of people that don't matter at all to me but after all, I'm just the one getting married! It doesn't matter what I'd want!
Thanks, and in case I didn't make it clear, don't leave me a message. I won't be able to respond. If I did, you wouldn't like my response."
And I've gotten exctied about it again! Hooray! And there are so many things to take care of that, far from being bored, I am getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. I like the things that get completed, though, we're actually trying to inject our personality into the gifts we give people. I'm sure as soon as the wedding is over we'll think of hundreds of ways to do this that would have been better than what we're doing, but hey, we're having fun working on this stuff together. Actually, we sat down and made a budget and a plan for the gifts we're trying to give at the wedding, and I am soooo happy we did that.
Now, the down side is that I have no real time for anything else. So the friend of mine who has called me every night for 5 nights in a row needs to stop. Why on earth does she need to talk to me before the wedding?? Wouldn't it be better to talk to me after the wedding and hear how it went? I never really thought about it before, but the very last time you need to be pestering someone is in the month before their wedding.
Of course, I have other problems with this particular person, mostly that I don't really care about talking to her. Another friend of mine has been trying to reach me, and it still won't happen, I still won't have time to talk to her before the wedding, but she doesn't irritate me. She's actually going to be at the wedding, so that's great.
I think when I leave town for the wedding I'll have to change my voicemail:
"Hi, you've reached Elizabeth. I'm getting married in a week, and you should know that if you leave me a message, I will not call you back, no matter who you are or how much I may love you. If this is one of my agents, I have booked out for this time and will not have time to call you back and remind you about it, so DON'T leave me a message about an audition. Unless it's after April 10, I can't make it. Not negotiable.
Now, don't get offended, I am unable to call you back because I am either a) desperately working to finish some inane task, like putting together gift bags for all guests, b) desperately trying to balance the agenda of my mother, my father, my fiance, and everyone else who gives us such "helpful" advice, c) desperately trying to get some sleep so I do not look like a zombie bride, or d) all of the above, and some more "surprise" tasks I didn't know about until I got home.
If you're invited to the wedding, I'll see you there. If you weren't, please know that I wasn't able to invite who I wanted because my parents are throwing their one and only wedding and they had to invite hundreds of people that don't matter at all to me but after all, I'm just the one getting married! It doesn't matter what I'd want!
Thanks, and in case I didn't make it clear, don't leave me a message. I won't be able to respond. If I did, you wouldn't like my response."
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