Ok, marriage is improving, and though I have moments of fright, I am settling down. Day to day life is currently back to normal, which is comforting. We have to move soon, but we've found a place that may not be available until the middle or end of May, which to me feels much more manageable than moving in about a week.
We've also found a place with a maximum of harmony between us, which comforts me a great deal. My sweetness and I are on the same page about this: basically, at this point we'll sacrifice some space and some location in order to have a place we can afford - and not just afford at the top of our range, but afford even if we have a rough month or so. We are on the path to living within our means. It'll take the next six months before I know what money patterns we're developing, but at least hurdle one is toast: we can afford it.
I did have a moment's twinge of uh-oh when I discovered my partner for life HATES moving, so much that he longs for us to buy a place and live there forever.
As a recovering wanderer, I feel differently. I'm pretty jealous of the actors I know on tour and I am shocked to discover I have lived in the same city for 7 years. I have itchy feet. Now, I'd like to take my muffin top with me while I wander, but I still have a good bit of wander left in me.
I'm feeling stirrings of ambition again, as well. I'm thrilled I was able to return to commercial work almost immediately -I'm a recurring character in a traning manual, and I just found out today that after getting booked about 6 or 8 times (keep in mind, sometimes I can make $500-$600 in a day doing this), this company has only finished Volume 1 of their training. They plan 4 Volumes. I can't tell you what a jump that would mean to both my income and my day to day life. It's MUCH more fun to go to a photo shoot or a video shoot or a VO recording than it is to go to work. I think it would be a great step forward to do so much of this print/vo work that I get bored of it.
So all of this makes me think, ok, get a cheap apartment, sock the money away, and knuckle down to audition, audition, audition.
And in the meantime try to keep my husband happy. That may prove simple, or it may prove much harder than expected.
In general, though, the threat level for my mental health is back between yellow, high risk of freak out attack, and blue, general risk of freak out attack. I'm happy to report my let down about the wedding is starting to ease, and being replaced with happy memories, partly supplied by others, and partly recalled now that the stress is over.
We might stay married a whole three weeks. I'm beating Britney...well, her first, and I'll work up to the second.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Where to start...
I had no idea I was foreshawdowing my own self, but I'm here to tell you again that getting married does not solve even one of your problems.
The wedding - I was terrified. I shouldn't admit that, but I was, as the ceremony progressed, completely terrified. I'm even now just starting to process what happened and whether or not I can handle it. Someday I will probably look back on it with laughter and pleasure, though not today.
However, the past few days have pretty much trumped all of that. I'm sure more things could have gone wrong, but quite a few actually have. I got food poisoning the first night of our honeymoon, and then my new husband came down with something flu-like, with lots of coughing, and the weather never did give us a great sunny day to just lie on the beach. It was cool and windy and cloudy.
But none of that is as bad as the fact that my sweetie's brother had a stroke the Monday after the wedding, while he and his lovely wife were in South Carolina trying to sightsee. We were "honeymooning" (such as it was with both of us ill) about five miles away, and ended up spending an extra night in the area in hopes of being helpful. I'm not sure we were helpful, but we tried to be.
I have so many conflicting feelings towards so many different people for the moment that I really could cry at any moment, and I considered calling at least some of you on Wednesday when I was sobbing in the car on the way from Charleston to Charlotte. I feel a huge sense of anti-climax that the wedding is over and that so much of it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I feel so worried for H's brother, and so sad that this should happen at such a time so the wedding will always be "when Mark had a stroke" instead of just the wedding - for them as much as for me.
I feel like I made a thousand mistakes in the run up to the wedding. I feel terrified lest this whole thing has been a horrible mistake. I feel terrified that my family will never accept my husband, since AT THE WEDDING my mother apparently lamented to a friend of mine, "But he's not a southerner..." (Even though he grew up in Pensacola...)
I feel completely overwhelmed by the number of people who were at the wedding, and horribly guilty that so many of them left without even attempting to speak to me. I feel disappointed that it was nearly impossible to take pictures at any time, since either it was raining or people were talking to us or my mother wasn't even dressed yet or there just wasn't a good place to do it. I feel disappointed that I never got a picture with all of my aunts.
I feel worried about whether or not I can even DO this whole marriage thing, and still be myself. I'm keeping my name (for now), but even that doesn't stop how frightened I feel at losing my identity into this new "us".
I feel exhausted from driving 12 hours yesterday.
I feel entirely flawed for feeling any of these things, since most brides seem to be delirious with happiness and contentment. Well, surprise surprise, I screwed that up.
I feel a whole batch of other things I don't think I should write down, because now I have another family that I might offend. What if H's family ever came across this?? Now I have two sets of muzzles...
I feel incapable of telling entertaining stories about the wedding, but everyone at work was expecting me to do so. The "surprise" congrats they threw me was exhausting, and it only lasted about 15 minutes.
Despite my deep sadness that apparently I did nothing but disappoint my mother at the wedding, I feel incredibly proud of her for driving down to Charleston yesterday to visit Mark and his wife and be a resource for them in a strange land.
I feel I failed everyone in trying to keep everyone happy. But no one would have been at all happy had I tried to make myself happy - no win no matter what.
I feel so so so disappointed that it rained.
I feel like all the bad things that keep going wrong are the universe's way of telling me: you've made a terrible mistake.
I feel like I would like to run away. I think I would like to take my honey with me, but I would like to run away.
I think I need some sleep, a cookie, and probably a couple of sessions with our therapist, but sadly (for us, not her), she's out of town this week. I feel resentful that she picked this week to be off on a holiday.
The funny thing is, I didn't see any of this coming.
So much for being a well-adjusted adult.
The wedding - I was terrified. I shouldn't admit that, but I was, as the ceremony progressed, completely terrified. I'm even now just starting to process what happened and whether or not I can handle it. Someday I will probably look back on it with laughter and pleasure, though not today.
However, the past few days have pretty much trumped all of that. I'm sure more things could have gone wrong, but quite a few actually have. I got food poisoning the first night of our honeymoon, and then my new husband came down with something flu-like, with lots of coughing, and the weather never did give us a great sunny day to just lie on the beach. It was cool and windy and cloudy.
But none of that is as bad as the fact that my sweetie's brother had a stroke the Monday after the wedding, while he and his lovely wife were in South Carolina trying to sightsee. We were "honeymooning" (such as it was with both of us ill) about five miles away, and ended up spending an extra night in the area in hopes of being helpful. I'm not sure we were helpful, but we tried to be.
I have so many conflicting feelings towards so many different people for the moment that I really could cry at any moment, and I considered calling at least some of you on Wednesday when I was sobbing in the car on the way from Charleston to Charlotte. I feel a huge sense of anti-climax that the wedding is over and that so much of it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I feel so worried for H's brother, and so sad that this should happen at such a time so the wedding will always be "when Mark had a stroke" instead of just the wedding - for them as much as for me.
I feel like I made a thousand mistakes in the run up to the wedding. I feel terrified lest this whole thing has been a horrible mistake. I feel terrified that my family will never accept my husband, since AT THE WEDDING my mother apparently lamented to a friend of mine, "But he's not a southerner..." (Even though he grew up in Pensacola...)
I feel completely overwhelmed by the number of people who were at the wedding, and horribly guilty that so many of them left without even attempting to speak to me. I feel disappointed that it was nearly impossible to take pictures at any time, since either it was raining or people were talking to us or my mother wasn't even dressed yet or there just wasn't a good place to do it. I feel disappointed that I never got a picture with all of my aunts.
I feel worried about whether or not I can even DO this whole marriage thing, and still be myself. I'm keeping my name (for now), but even that doesn't stop how frightened I feel at losing my identity into this new "us".
I feel exhausted from driving 12 hours yesterday.
I feel entirely flawed for feeling any of these things, since most brides seem to be delirious with happiness and contentment. Well, surprise surprise, I screwed that up.
I feel a whole batch of other things I don't think I should write down, because now I have another family that I might offend. What if H's family ever came across this?? Now I have two sets of muzzles...
I feel incapable of telling entertaining stories about the wedding, but everyone at work was expecting me to do so. The "surprise" congrats they threw me was exhausting, and it only lasted about 15 minutes.
Despite my deep sadness that apparently I did nothing but disappoint my mother at the wedding, I feel incredibly proud of her for driving down to Charleston yesterday to visit Mark and his wife and be a resource for them in a strange land.
I feel I failed everyone in trying to keep everyone happy. But no one would have been at all happy had I tried to make myself happy - no win no matter what.
I feel so so so disappointed that it rained.
I feel like all the bad things that keep going wrong are the universe's way of telling me: you've made a terrible mistake.
I feel like I would like to run away. I think I would like to take my honey with me, but I would like to run away.
I think I need some sleep, a cookie, and probably a couple of sessions with our therapist, but sadly (for us, not her), she's out of town this week. I feel resentful that she picked this week to be off on a holiday.
The funny thing is, I didn't see any of this coming.
So much for being a well-adjusted adult.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)