I've been sunk in my own stew for a while, and it isn't interesting. I was listening to lovely music and was inspired to write something, but there is so much else to do and so much stuffiness in my head, I can't quite concentrate.
I noticed on April Fool's Day that I'm carrying a lot of bitterness, and I'd like to put it down. It isn't helping. Everything seems to take such a fight that I've gotten tired. I'd like to think of myself as a fighter. The only things I seem to be able to convince someone I'm good at are boring to me, and the things I love are currently out of reach. And worse, I thought my actions were previously bringing said things closer, when apparently...not.
Confusing? Sorry.
Here's an example: exercising. I've been running about 4 miles pretty much daily, and I suppose increasing my overall health level, only to find a) I seem to have done something odd to my left hip. Damn. b) despite so much more exercise than in years past, I seem to be losing no weight at all, and c) whatever improvement I noticed in my body (a general leanness) has been completely ruined by five days in Cancun drinking pina coladas. Seriously, 9 months of daily running ruined in 5 days. Really? I can't take a break?
Losing the job was a blow, not because I liked it but because that is how I had made my life work, how I had bridged the times between shows, by filling it with money. Not big money, perhaps, but enough money to save here and there. Now, I have a job where I work hard for very little money - true, most do, but it's a difficult transition. Now I can't save, and that's disheartening.
In addition, the firm I used to work for has denied my unemployment. (I'm not claiming any now, now I'm working again, but there are a couple of random weeks.) So that's a fight I am disliking immensely. To think I worked for the firm for 6 years and that's how they decide to behave, when THEY are the ones who let me go...it just feels so petty and mean-spirited.
Lastly, for now, is that my new job involves working with seniors (the almost elderly, not high schoolers) and they are equally a delight and a torture. Delight because they are all positive and talented people, and a joy to discover. Torture because every time we get to the "I'm an actor" part, we go through one of several by-now-familiar song and dances:
1. The proof game - "Well, what have you been in?" If it isn't anything they've heard of or seen, they tell me all about the things they have seen that I wasn't in (and usually wanted to be).
2. Proof game Part 2 - "Oh, do you know....?" I have only won this one once - someone's pilates teacher is a wonderful actress here in town who I like a great deal and know vaguely socially. Usually, no, I don't actually get to hang out with Gary Sinise or Bob Falls.
3. "What are you working on now?" Um, I'm auditioning for everyone's season of August Wilson plays and two-handers and not getting very far. It's a recession, and it turns out I am way in the back of the line for work. Theatres are canceling shows and putting on small cast plays...I'm out there, really, I am. If you want to cast me in something, I'm available.
4. My personal least favorite after #3 is the advice. Lots of advice about what I should be doing. Or who I should be auditioning for. Yep, did that. Yep, sang for them last week. Yep, sent them my headshot and resume. Yep, they know I exist and yet they don't care. And the no win of this conversation is that if you TELL them you've done these things they are suggesting, then the unavoidable assumption is that you are no good. Because if you were a good actor, these golden nuggets of advice would have helped you.
And that's what's getting old. If I were any good, would it be this hard a fight? I don't know right now. I'm losing the belief.
Actually, there's a story that makes me ridiculously happy, and it's apropos here. My husband met an actor friend of his out the other day who was commiserating about how tough it is for work right now. (So, hey, maybe it isn't just me!) This guy is maybe in his late 40s, early 50s, and he has worked consistently throughout his career - lots of industrial bookings amongst the theatre. Apparently, he was chatting about his current lack of work with his mother, and she piped up, "Well, you should have done the Wicked!" To which he said something like, sure, mom, I'll get riiiight on that and get into the cast of Wicked. Which makes me laugh my head off - this guy works all the time, and he's still getting grief from his mother for not getting the ONE HUGE sit-down Broadway show to play Chicago in years. I guess no matter how much you succeed, there's always something you haven't done.
Also to end on a high note - spell check wants my "colada" to be "collards". If that isn't metaphoric, I'm not sure what is.
Lastly, I should add that I have a terrific husband. It does help.
Peace out - have a butter lamb on me.
