Heavy Like a Loaded Gun

I've been sunk in my own stew for a while, and it isn't interesting. I was listening to lovely music and was inspired to write something, but there is so much else to do and so much stuffiness in my head, I can't quite concentrate.

I noticed on April Fool's Day that I'm carrying a lot of bitterness, and I'd like to put it down. It isn't helping. Everything seems to take such a fight that I've gotten tired. I'd like to think of myself as a fighter. The only things I seem to be able to convince someone I'm good at are boring to me, and the things I love are currently out of reach. And worse, I thought my actions were previously bringing said things closer, when apparently...not.

Confusing? Sorry.

Here's an example: exercising. I've been running about 4 miles pretty much daily, and I suppose increasing my overall health level, only to find a) I seem to have done something odd to my left hip. Damn. b) despite so much more exercise than in years past, I seem to be losing no weight at all, and c) whatever improvement I noticed in my body (a general leanness) has been completely ruined by five days in Cancun drinking pina coladas. Seriously, 9 months of daily running ruined in 5 days. Really? I can't take a break?

Losing the job was a blow, not because I liked it but because that is how I had made my life work, how I had bridged the times between shows, by filling it with money. Not big money, perhaps, but enough money to save here and there. Now, I have a job where I work hard for very little money - true, most do, but it's a difficult transition. Now I can't save, and that's disheartening.

In addition, the firm I used to work for has denied my unemployment. (I'm not claiming any now, now I'm working again, but there are a couple of random weeks.) So that's a fight I am disliking immensely. To think I worked for the firm for 6 years and that's how they decide to behave, when THEY are the ones who let me go...it just feels so petty and mean-spirited.

Lastly, for now, is that my new job involves working with seniors (the almost elderly, not high schoolers) and they are equally a delight and a torture. Delight because they are all positive and talented people, and a joy to discover. Torture because every time we get to the "I'm an actor" part, we go through one of several by-now-familiar song and dances:

1. The proof game - "Well, what have you been in?" If it isn't anything they've heard of or seen, they tell me all about the things they have seen that I wasn't in (and usually wanted to be).

2. Proof game Part 2 - "Oh, do you know....?" I have only won this one once - someone's pilates teacher is a wonderful actress here in town who I like a great deal and know vaguely socially. Usually, no, I don't actually get to hang out with Gary Sinise or Bob Falls.

3. "What are you working on now?" Um, I'm auditioning for everyone's season of August Wilson plays and two-handers and not getting very far. It's a recession, and it turns out I am way in the back of the line for work. Theatres are canceling shows and putting on small cast plays...I'm out there, really, I am. If you want to cast me in something, I'm available.

4. My personal least favorite after #3 is the advice. Lots of advice about what I should be doing. Or who I should be auditioning for. Yep, did that. Yep, sang for them last week. Yep, sent them my headshot and resume. Yep, they know I exist and yet they don't care. And the no win of this conversation is that if you TELL them you've done these things they are suggesting, then the unavoidable assumption is that you are no good. Because if you were a good actor, these golden nuggets of advice would have helped you.

And that's what's getting old. If I were any good, would it be this hard a fight? I don't know right now. I'm losing the belief.

Actually, there's a story that makes me ridiculously happy, and it's apropos here. My husband met an actor friend of his out the other day who was commiserating about how tough it is for work right now. (So, hey, maybe it isn't just me!) This guy is maybe in his late 40s, early 50s, and he has worked consistently throughout his career - lots of industrial bookings amongst the theatre. Apparently, he was chatting about his current lack of work with his mother, and she piped up, "Well, you should have done the Wicked!" To which he said something like, sure, mom, I'll get riiiight on that and get into the cast of Wicked. Which makes me laugh my head off - this guy works all the time, and he's still getting grief from his mother for not getting the ONE HUGE sit-down Broadway show to play Chicago in years. I guess no matter how much you succeed, there's always something you haven't done.

Also to end on a high note - spell check wants my "colada" to be "collards". If that isn't metaphoric, I'm not sure what is.

Lastly, I should add that I have a terrific husband. It does help.

Peace out - have a butter lamb on me.

Ha

Oh, life. You're so funny.

So, I got laid off from my day job. I have many conflicting emotions about this.

I will not be homeless and will not starve. But my ability to save any money whatsoever has instantly disappeared in a blinding flash. In fact, depending on what happens next, I may find myself using money I so carefully saved.

Now, if I just had to have money, I'll bet I could get a full time job. It might not be simple, it might not pay really well, and it would almost certainly be something I disliked doing, but I feel sure that I could get a job. A job. Some job, of any kind.

But that was never the point. The only reason I've kept this current day job is because they allow me flexibility to pursue the things I really love. To take a job just to have a job and find myself without the time or flexibility to do any of the things I enjoy seems like...well, hell.

Truth be told, I haven't really enjoyed this job for years. It's a placeholder, it's comfortable because I know its irritations and limit my work time to contain them. However, there's no getting away from the fact that I enjoy knowing I'll get paid, and plan accordingly.

So in today's economy, how do I find work that will mean something to me? Well, the perfect answer would be book another equity show. But those efforts have not yet been successful.

I'm excited at the idea that I'd be free of this place. Just not excited to have so little money coming in.

I feel so many people are losing their jobs that I have to be grateful that a) I do have some savings, b) I do have some options, and c) I do have a tiny teaching job that will at least give me something to concentrate on while I make this transition.

Tricky - how do I shift my mindset away from squirrelling money in savings accounts and towards finding work I love, no matter what the pay cut?

What's in the Box?

I got fewer Christmas presents this year, and you know what, I'm thrilled. I mean, I like presents, naturally, but present giving at Christmas sets up this whole tit-for-tat that can lead to a lot of present giving just for form's sake. I can completely do without that kind of present giving and getting. It's worst at the office, where co-workers feel compelled to give you something, but either don't know anything about your likes and dislikes or just plain don't have the time or money to invest in a "great" gift for you - which is fair. I appreciate the difficulty, but my solution has been to give no presents at all. I participate in the Secret Santa, and call it a day. If I worked for an individual, I'd probably find him or her something, although honestly I've skipped that in the past as well.

Now, lest I come off like a Scrooge, I love to give presents to my near and dear. I love to come up with a really ideal present, something I know that person loves and will be excited to open. If I really can't find anything special, I go for practical, and make sure at least it could be used.

I normally get a slew of gifts, always from people who mean well, that I then have to find some way to re-gift into the world (because it really is a small apartment). Here are some items I would happily NEVER RECEIVE AGAIN:

• Stuffed animals. As a grown-up with little house space and no children, I have an exceptionally limited use for stuffed animals. Especially ones wearing Santa hats.
• Anything seasonally decorative. This decorative watering can filled with artificial poinsettias and a fake stuffed bird sitting on my desk - where do I put it? I have no storage in my apartment. Also, it isn't really my style. This goes for the decorative snowman I got last year from the same person.
• Candy canes. Nothing wrong with them, just, enh.
• Pierced earrings. I do not have pierced ears, which makes it awkward to wear them, and then I feel guilty. Boo.

I'm sure there are more, but my point is that this year, I got relatively few pointless gifts.

Interestingly, there are quite a few things that once were pointless that would finally come in handy: for instance, Christmas ornaments. My husband and I had our first tree at home this year, and happily he has a bunch of ornaments, but I was underrepresented on the tree. Don't tell me we could go out and buy ornaments. Sacrilege. In my house the tree is always decorated with all the ornaments you made as a kid or people gave you as presents, and they all have names and dates on them, and every ornament has a story. We always decorate the tree together as a family, and my mother tells all the stories, usually completely wrong. Nowadays the garbled stories are much funnier, because the dates on the ornaments often prove her completely incorrect. My personal favorite is the tiny wooden angel ornament she gave my Dad to tell him I would be born seven months later. Awww. But we have two ornaments that look very similar and she always tells the story while holding the one that is clearly dated three years after my birth.

Sadly, decorating the tree is one of my favorite family traditions that has been squashed by the move of Christmas to my brother's house, since he has two small children. But the small children are a good recompense, so I can take it.

Nevertheless, Christmas trees should be decorated with memories and personality. So where once I eschewed ornaments as gifts, now I'm loving them, building my own Christmas.

In the end, I think the perfect Christmas gift is a token of a memory or a reminder that someone cares enough about you to think of you specifically. Memories and Personality. It could be silly and inexpensive, it could be lavish and something you've always dreamed of, but it either gives you a story or a really warm feeling of love. Everything else is just trash weighing you down.

For me, I love the way the economy affected Christmas. Lots of that trash went away. Also, I love all the socks people gave me.

What about the rest of you? What was your favorite gift this year, and what did you get that you could have gone without?