I did it.

So, I made the coconut cake. Half a coconut cake. With no actual coconut on top, but whatever. And now I have just eaten the last piece, and will start getting Serious about health and exercising. Not because I am unattractive, no. I'm a moderately sized person. Nice features. But there's no getting around the fact that in 7 months, I will pay someone loads of money to take endless pictures of me and my family and friends. And I will spend the rest of my life being confronted by said photos. And cameras are not always kind. So I'd like to insure, however vain it may be of me, that when I look at the photos in the future, I am happy about them.

So begins the vanity that is getting ready for a wedding.

In a more cheerful vein, recently I have vowed to be less worried and fretful about the wedding. The guest list was the worst part, but since we ended up coming to a place where we think we can afford the people we think are coming, why remain upset? I haven't had to delete my friends in order to accomodate my parents friends, so why work at remember how nasty the whole conversation got? Why not just let it fade into the background and move on?

Double back

I had lunch with a friend yesterday who admitted he actually reads this blog (wow) and I had the surreal experience of talking about something I already wrote. As if I've already become someone who repeats the same stories over and over. Also, I feel I should be more entertaining if people I run into in daily life are perusing. Here's my chance to be the more scintilating version of myself, me with the witty and urbane complexity a script can provide, and mostly I just bitch and moan in a particularly dramatic, self-indulgent way.

But I realize that's pretty much what I do anyway! I had a golden opportunity last night to downplay something, and I completely blew it. In fact, I didn't even recognize the opportunity when it came along. A brand new fellow cast member and I have a mutual acquaitance. She asked, how do you know X? All I had to do is say, oh, we met doing a show, or wow, I've known him for a long time. But what did I do instead? What, you ask?

No, you don't ask, you already know. I said, "oh, we dated once a long time ago and he broke my heart and dumped me."

Which, actually, isn't exactly true and I then had to back pedal to make myself less ridiculous. I had to back pedal because I couldn't just keep my mouth shut. What happened is we went out, he got bored so we stopped going out, and I went into a completely pointless tailspin. Pointless because he wasn't a very good match for me. But that didn't stop me being dramatic...NO! And deciding I would never date again.

It makes me roll my eyes at myself.

In the meantime, I have two problems.

One: I cannot get myself to do any work. For about 7 days now. I am FINALLY relieved of the stress of the position working for 3 lawyers full time when I only come in part time. Hurrah. After four months of wall to wall work that I couldn't keep up with, for people I wasn't very fond of, I am back to my low stress, part time pinch-hitting position. I do overflow work and when I don't have any, I work bit by bit on a huge project.

Except I can't make myself work on the project and I'm doing a trillion other things instead. I know I can get away with this for a while, but it will bite me in the butt sooner or later.

Problem Two: Coconut cake. I made one this weekend, and it was amazing. But I took it to a party, and had to leave the party early, and I only got to try a little of it. So I am secretly obsessed with the idea of making another cake, or at least making a half a coconut cake, so I can eat as much of it as I want. I am trying not to do that, as it will play havoc with the idea of losing weight for the wedding, or really, just being a healthy person. (It's hard to exercise enough to counteract eating an entire coconut cake.) Healthy people, it's undeniable, do not eat entire cakes at a sitting. There's something called moderation. But the insidious coconut cake will not be banished. I'm not a huge fan of coconut, we just had a bunch in the house and I wanted to use it up. But now...

What do you think, gentle readers? Should I make Coconut Cake #2 this coming weekend? Will I look at wedding pictures in later years and wince, thinking, if only it hadn't been for the coconut cake?

Ah, yes

My grandmother recently moved out of her house, the house in which she has lived since 1941 when she got married. No one in my family thought she would ever leave that house, and she certainly talked as if she didn't relish the idea. In the last year, however, her health really has worsened to the point that a 5 bedroom house in the country just wasn't a feasible residence.

She's had her name on a list at an assisted living place for about two years, and has found excuses every time a room came up not to take it, but suddenly, in June, a room came free and she snapped it up.

I went to visit her, and far from being sad or angry at the move, she seems suddenly sprightly! She was introducing me to her friends, chatting up the staff, going to exercise class in the mornings. After I visited with her, I went to the house to help with some of the final cleaning. It was strange, seeing the place mostly empty.

But here's the strangest part. It wasn't sad. I thought it would be sad, but it was all sort of hopeful. As if, tied together, my grandma and the house were sinking, but separated, they both have possibilities. Someone has bought that house, and might have a joyful life in it. It will get cleaned and spruced up and taken care of, and so will my grandma!

It can be an unexpected happiness to let something go.

Change of Scene

I thought it would be nice to talk about something besides the wedding, so I won't detail any of the nightmares I've had about it in the last week. Although I will say they've been vivid and frequent.

Hmmm.

What to say....

I'll get back to you.

So true

I know you won't believe me, but honestly, I really, truly wish I could elope. And I know you're all thinking, well, Elsbeth, you can do whatever you want to. And while that should be true, there are just some demands on a southern girl living away from home that can't be denied. I've won a few battles, and am trying to gear up to lose a few, but the person I really don't want to cheat out of a wedding is my fiance. Who will turn 40 this year, and is the last of several of his groups of friends to get married. And who dutifully or joyfully or resentfully went to all of those weddings and cheered on the brides and grooms. Who is the youngest by 14 years of all his siblings, and pretty much gets treated as the baby by them all.

And by god, that man deserves an event where everyone is there for him.

That said, I actually almost told my dad this past week that we were eloping and we'd call him when and IF we ever have children, since that's what he cares about.

This to a man I have called my best friend. This wedding stuff is for the birds.

And they just don't let you do it as simply as you want. I mean, even if we went the happy meal route, we'd probably find we had to keep the meals in silver chafing dishes.

I'm still trying to keep it sane. Originally, I wanted to do away with attendants, but since I have realized no bridesmaids = no one to hang out with as I'm freaking out before my wedding, I went for 2. TWO, I tell you, it shouldn't be this hard to find an inexpensive dress for them!

No wedding favors. Sorry, I just think there is no need for me to hand out an object so that people can remember they went to my wedding. If they forget, so be it.

I'm already tired of bitching about it. I'm gonna change the subject.