Shoulda Seen That Coming

Oof.  So I went to see a big shiny musical yesterday.  And it was lovely.  It had people in it I know from being in other big shiny musicals.

I find it really difficult not to feel terrible about myself when I go see people who work all the time, because my brain bounces back and forth between - why can't that be me and clearly I am not working all the time because I'm not talented enough.

Neither of which are useful things to have running through one's head, no matter what the truth might be.

But I was thinking, hey, I just had a baby, I get time off for good behavior, right?  I'm not on stage, but at home I have this cute little awesome person that I adore, and that's worth not being in a trillion shows.

Then, waiting to hug people I knew afterwards, it became clear that the woman who played the lead (beautifully, I must add)...(WAIT FOR IT)...has a baby.

A baby.

So, folks, yes, the answer is that I am just not that great, just not on the career path.  Because turns out, having a baby apparently only keeps me from working.  Other people, more successful, talented people, work all the time.

Don't start with me, I know despair isn't attractive.  I just have no other response to this series of information.

Next week I start rehearsals for a show I'm understudying - and I genuinely don't feel bad I didn't get cast, because the woman I'm understudying is phenomenal, and I love her.  I can only hope going to rehearsal helps me feel less like the hack I feel right now.

(By the way, the baby is still really cute.  Mine, that is.  I still love her to bits.)

Too much

Sometimes, it's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I have so much to say, all contradictory, and not nearly enough time to write it all down.  But if I write the one thing without the contradiction, it won't represent what I really feel, it will just be a blip from one minute side of the question.

This is probably why I resort to bullet lists so frequently.

Anyway, there's a lot going on, most of it good.  And now I need a nap.

No, need a nap.  Turns out there's a difference between need and want.