Pros and Cons of Unemployment

I wish I could say that it has been an unalloyed joy finally to devote myself to auditioning and working in my chosen field. I also wish that I weren't unemployed at the very moment that most of the work in my field has dried up. Don't get me wrong - I would love to spend all my time being an actor. And for the past few months, I have to a degree. But the snag is that being an actor is not nearly as good as working as an actor.

Also, it costs money to be alive. I'm lucky because I'm used to living on the cheap. I resist beautiful clothes, don't get seduced by gadgets, and like cooking for myself. I was raised by a banker and a saver. I know all about budgets and while I've never made a lot of money, I know better than to spend money I don't have.

But being unemployed for a year is kicking my butt, money-wise. I have rent money, for now. I have money for groceries. I do a little bit of teaching and I collect enough unemployment that the basics are covered, for now. But I took certain things for granted when I was unhappily ensconced in my horrible office job.

Now I cannot:

• travel. Especially, I'm afraid, to a friend's wedding in CA in May. I suppose a miracle could occur, but so far... I got subsidized for holiday travel, but I still feel guilty about that. I'm 35, for goodness sake's.
• save. It seems like a small thing, and actually, I do still put miniscule amounts "away" every month, but it's demoralizing. My banker wouldn't LET me put money in my IRA a week or so ago. "Are you working again?" No, I explained, but this was surplus. "You need to hang on to that money - you don't know what will happen, and you may need it." He's right. I tried to explain I have money in savings that I would use for emergencies. But my financial future is such that I can't guarantee I won't need that money.
• have children. Seriously. Am I ready to have children? I don't know. Can I even consider children while having no money and no foreseeable source thereof? No. Am I swiftly passing my sell-by date to have children? Yup.
• go to parties that require gifts. This makes me feel chintzy, and is still rude, since you're supposed to give shower gifts to people even if you miss their parties, right? But I just don't know how the budget could handle shower gifts - or wedding gifts, for that matter! I got lucky a while back - a friend of mine had a shower, and one of her requests (thank you lord) was for home cooked meals that she could freeze. Hurrah.

Let's pretend for a moment that money is no object.

Life should be great. I am finally able to devote myself to being an actor. I can go sit in the Equity office endlessly, trying to been seen for equity auditions. I can go to every commercial audition that I'm called to do. I have no conflicts of any kind.

However...

Of all the auditions I have done since September 2009, I have booked exactly two of them. One was a voiceover for a Public Service Announcement, so it paid exactly $153. For the other, I spent two hours pretending to be a long-suffering patient for the camera. I'll get paid about $250.

The Pros: I had a great time doing both of those jobs. The VO was funny and the studio we recorded it in had a great view over Chicago. It was a blast. The filming folks were easy-going and friendly.

The Cons: In 5 months, I've worked for about 3 hours and made $403. It's not about the money - I keep auditioning for theatre that would perform in tiny spaces for a "stipend" - and I would love doing the shows. Would LOVE it. Sadly, I haven't gotten cast in anything.

So you may have guessed I'm getting downhearted. (As would appear in Pogo: "Are We Downhearted?" "Yes!")

The possible upside? If I break down and get an office job (presuming that I can, there are no guarantees in this job market), I'll bet I'd be back to blogging a lot. There's enticement for those four loyal readers out there.

Maybe four is pushing it.

Am I downhearted? Yes.