I've been sick, sore throat, low fever, a little sniffles, aches and pains and general malaise.
Now I'm putting off going to the gym. I'm not sure I really feel up to it, but somehow I think I need to get my body back in gear, at least a little bit, regardless of the sore throat.
And I'm ... fretful? worried? anxious? I start a class today, feeling pretty untalented and physically out of it. It's an improv class, and while I can't say I was ever any good at improv, I used to love it, I used to feel so happy to be doing it, until I got scared off it by dismissive men.
So I want, naturally, to discover today that I am magically really good at it! Actually, after these past couple of months, I desperately want to discover I am good at pretty much anything, but I can see the danger here: I am unlikely to be magically good at improv, because like all things, it is a skill - one I have not spent any time developing.
Yet I've lost my mojo for all things - the veil of hubris has been removed and I am actually not good at ANYTHING I love. I want my veil back - well, honestly, I want to be proved good in reality, not just in my mind.
I would like to just show up to class ready to have fun and learn something - that's the point. But underneath all that reasonableness I am yearning for something cosmic, some proof that I have not wasted 15 years of my life.
And will I be disappointed when I don't get it? We'll see.
