Time

I worry that my life is flying past me and all I see is this the blur of movement in my periphery as something swift moves the air around me. Events have occurred but I fail to inhabit them, the way you speed-read ahead in impatience but realize later you haven't absorbed anything in the paragraphs you rushed.

A co-worker of mine died about two months ago, and I still look for him on the street on the way to work. When someone passes my desk with a particular footfall, I look for his grin going past. I haven't found a way to accept his absence as permanent. His death was unexpected and at an odd juncture - he was old enough that you can't say he "died young", but young enough, and with enough left to accomplish, that his life was unfinished, a book left open. On the other hand, I perform a show for senior citizens two days a week and often I am dealing with people who are alive long after their lives have been finished - is that any better than dying before every 'i' is dotted and every 't' crossed?

How do you grieve appropriately for someone you weren't that close to, but whose absence makes such a loud noise?

In a separate case but still on the subject of missing what's happening to me, I've been spending a majority of my time with one person in particular but I'm reluctant to admit even to myself that this person becomes increasingly important. A simple pie chart of my week's activities would give me away, but does time equal emotion? Habits don't make feelings. Yet I wouldn't be there if I didn't enjoy it. Actually, the present doesn't worry me, it's the future. It would be far better for me to come to the end of my life and look at the person sitting next to me and say, "Amazing. Honey, look at that, we just spent our whole lives together," than have to make some promise to that effect early on.

Although, truth be told, what worries me is that, as my co-worker's death proves, it's not early any more. Perhaps I should get off the fence and love someone. Which is worse: missing your life as if rushes by you because you're afraid to invest in it, or having to negotiate the failures and successes of your investments as they evolve? Tricky. You only get to choose one course, so it's hard to make an objective comparison.