The last few weeks have been packed with all sorts of events and emotions. Guys and Dolls ended, and we lost all the people who had to go back to school in one big, depressing sweep. There are a good many people left, but it's much quieter and very weird without the rest of "us". I got to move dressing rooms, which has been great, but has made me dwell on the weird position of not belonging that I was both forced into and created this summer. I was in the "principal" dressing room for the rest of the summer, and everyone else in there had been at this theatre before, and I always felt I didn't belong, as a "first-year" and I think the old-timers meant for me to feel that way. It wouldn't be "tadition" if I was made to feel welcome. These girls have created a caste system, and I was of another caste.
In the meantime, time was passing in the other dressing room and a certain camraderie was developed that I wasn't a part of either. I've moved in there now, and it is a great relief because I can feel I belong there, but I'm still not part of the world they created. I probably won't get to be in the last two weeks. I wish I didn't feel it - I wish I was impervious. Instead I feel isolated, and I wonder what mistakes I made to foster that isolation. How much of it is me, and how much is the situation?
So I abandoned the bike and I'm hitching rides instead, and I've been drinking and staying up with folks more. There's a nice camaraderie of the left behind - we have to stick together because we're the only ones left. I'm trying to enjoy the time we have left.
Gigi opens today. I do very little in the show. I have more scene changes than scenes. Really - I'm in four scenes, I change the scenery 11 times. But I feel like this is what everyone else did for me when I was in South Pacific, and I'm enjoying paying my dues a bit. After Cats, I just am happy to be IN the show, not sitting on the sidelines.
All right, I'm off to sweep and mop the theatre....
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