Girlfriend has some things to SAY

I've had some things said to me recently and kept my response to myself because I didn't want to offend or it wasn't appropriate. But last night I did a performance that reanimated my ass-kicking part of myself and now I'd like to unload a few of these lingering comments.

The comments reference multiple discussions with multiple people. If you're reading this, I probably wasn't talking to you, though there's a chance I am talking about you.

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First: I don't need you to feel bad for me to feel better. We're not playing stand-stoop-sit, where only one of us can be happy at a time and if it's me, that means you've got to be lowly. I'm just living my life - it doesn't need to effect your status. I might even be happier knowing that you're ok, too.

Second: Yeah, I was a serial want-what-I-can't-haver. It's plenty safe, and easy too - you don't have to change a thing about yourself and your lifestyle if you fall in love with someone you can't make progress with. It works with locations and jobs, too - spend your days knowing you're walking out the door, and it gets a lot easier to treat people poorly or just leave the essential courtesies undone. But don't expect life to deepen and grow if you're cheating yourself out of the possible next. Mine didn't for a long time.

Third: If you get a kick out of being unhappy, don't let me stop you. But don't make me commiserate if it's what you created and decided to keep.

Fourth: I can't speak for everyone, but I do not like to know we had the same experience with the same boy. I like to pretend to myself that I am a unique individual, and that I encounter others uniquely, that I bring some spark or fire that only I have. Frankly, it pisses me off that I wasted brain space on someone who opted out of the experience that is me, so I really don't like the idea that I was just pugged in to the same lame schtick he's been pulling on everyone else. I am not thrilled by the idea that we share that experience. Especially if yours was in high school and mine was 10 years later.

Let's be clear - it's fine that he opted out, that's his right, I just wish I'd been able to opt out right after that point. It's the time _I_ wasted that I mind.

Five: I am indeed getting married. But to make this perfectly clear, it does not actually solve any of my problems. I have company during them, perhaps, if it's a good marriage, but I don't get a get-out-of-unhappiness-free card. You see how all the married people are naturally happier than the non-married people? No? Exactly.

As well, I was single for a long, long, long time (about 10 years), and I was perfectly capable of living with just myself. Getting married now does not magically wipe that experience from my life.

Six: I cannot imagine not being able to spend time with myself. If I could not be in a room alone and read or watch tv or work on a project or otherwise just be fine coping with myself, I would not be in any shape to marry, let alone function.

Seven: I am indeed lucky in my fiance. He's great. But like any relationship, there are some tradeoffs. The things he offers are much greater than the things I have to relinquish, but there's no one out there who has everything in one other person.

I will never get him to reproduce the dance from the Thriller video at our wedding, for instance. And really, wouldn't that kick ass? I'm having trouble getting him to dance for 4 minutes with everyone watching. Don't get me started on the stubbornness either. It's a good thing he's so cute and such a champion snuggler.

Damn. I ruined the Damn Straight! tone right then, didn't I.