I'll Know My Name As It's Called Again

It's autumn, and new things are happening. Not exactly the things I want, but good things, things that might get me to what I want. Maybe.

This is the time of year when everything seems more possible. I suppose spring feels that way, but autumn has more resonance of beginnings for me - echoes of a new school year, echoes of moving to Chicago, echoes of shaking off the excess and getting down to business.

I think I am the one in my own way. I am going to try to get out of it. I don't want to feel bitter or untalented or wasted, and I think I am the only person who can either escape that, rise above it, or just change my life back to feeling how I felt once - the luckiest person ever, with all of life's opportunities ahead.

And I should stretch more.

I'm listening to Chaka Khan sing, "Tell Me Something Good" and it IS. She is the living embodiment of sex and glory, and you just want to tackle the nearest person and take their clothes off. Slowly.

I keep getting opportunities that, if I could land them, would change everything for the better. And so far, I don't land them. But then more come along. And I don't land those either, but then a few more swan by. Law of averages, something has to stick, right? One of them will come through eventually?

I wrote an image down the other day: a box of old silverware, mostly forks. And I like it. I like thinking about that box. I like thinking that everyone stole the spoons and melted the knives down for jewelry, and there those forks are, hogging that box, finally it's all about them. Hurrah!

I have to get better at enjoying NOT being perfect. How do you enjoy the music if you're worried about how your dancing looks?

Been sick

I've been sick, sore throat, low fever, a little sniffles, aches and pains and general malaise.

Now I'm putting off going to the gym. I'm not sure I really feel up to it, but somehow I think I need to get my body back in gear, at least a little bit, regardless of the sore throat.

And I'm ... fretful? worried? anxious? I start a class today, feeling pretty untalented and physically out of it. It's an improv class, and while I can't say I was ever any good at improv, I used to love it, I used to feel so happy to be doing it, until I got scared off it by dismissive men.

So I want, naturally, to discover today that I am magically really good at it! Actually, after these past couple of months, I desperately want to discover I am good at pretty much anything, but I can see the danger here: I am unlikely to be magically good at improv, because like all things, it is a skill - one I have not spent any time developing.

Yet I've lost my mojo for all things - the veil of hubris has been removed and I am actually not good at ANYTHING I love. I want my veil back - well, honestly, I want to be proved good in reality, not just in my mind.

I would like to just show up to class ready to have fun and learn something - that's the point. But underneath all that reasonableness I am yearning for something cosmic, some proof that I have not wasted 15 years of my life.

And will I be disappointed when I don't get it? We'll see.

Into the Void

Ok. Got it. I am writing all of this into a void, because no one reads this page. It's hard to get tone right in type - I'm ok with that, since I only ever had...hmmm...I think about 5 or 6 people who stopped by on occasion, and I didn't post anything for nearly a year, so fair enough.

So it's like I'm writing in a diary that someone could stumble upon. Should this make me more cautious or less cautious?

I wanted to post that I'm back to learning things at this internship. I was in on Friday watching auditions and thinking about how to prepare for commercial auditions and how to decipher what the agent is telling you. I watched a lot of people struggle with the directions and with the spot in general, and a lot of people had prepared but were not able to take direction to change their preparation. They weren't able to think of anything off the cuff to improv further in the scene, and most of them seemed completely thrown by being asked for anything beyond the script.

I can appreciate that feeling of being on the spot, so it made me think about how I could prepare myself for such an eventuality. In the nervousness of the moment, a lot of your thinking shuts down. I guess you have to do your thinking early, and THAT'S the kind of preparation you have to do.

Also interesting, the phrase "go further with it" from an agent's lips never refers to going bigger, it refers to extending the text. The trend in tv spots is small and real, unerplayed, deadpan, etc. The bigger you get, the less real you seem for today's spots. I haven't seen an exception yet, but I bet I will. It's just a trend, not an absolute.

I still think personally I am not very good at this, but yesterday I was able to get back to trying to figure out how it works. Maybe I can get better...I'm definitely going to take a class soon. I'm still pretty disappointed in myself, and it's hard to shake the idea that I'm never going to book real work because I don't have the talent for it. But for the moment, I'm going to keep going, and see if I can improve.

I wish I had something more to show for the 9 years I've been at this. Oh, well.

Unexpected Twist

It's late, and I can't detail this development the way I'd like to, but I discovered something disturbing today.

I'm interning at a casting agency. One of the perks is that I can watch the dvds of some past auditions - even ones I auditioned for. Today was slow, so I took a look at some auditions.

I am not very good. Please understand, I'm not complaining so that someone will tell me how great I am. (I mean, no one will look at this blog for at least another couple of months, I'd starve to death waiting for that.)

I mean objectively, watching the tapes, I'm no good. I'm not embarrassingly horrific, but it's easy to see why I didn't book any of these jobs. I pull faces, I sound disconnected, and I currently look massive onscreen. The camera adds ten pounds, Christmas added ten pounds, at my lowest I still needed to kick off an extra five pounds - add that up, I'm wearing a flesh overcoat of at least an extra 25 pounds. I look ridiculous. I look like I had my skinnier self for a snack.


I have to go to bed now. But it's a shock to the system to discover that the reason I'm not getting more work is that I'm actually not good enough to get it. I've often said that just because I love acting doesn't mean I'm good at it, but it's still shocking to discover that I'm NOT good at it.

I'm not sure which is stranger or harder:

Giving it up because now I know why I won't get anywhere,

or considering keeping at it with the full knowledge that I'm not good.

I do realize there's an outside chance I could work at getting better, but I'm a good ten years into trying to make this a profession - it's a blow to find out I lack some basic skills.

I've often complained I don't feel like I'm good enough: this is a different statement. Today I looked at proof that I am indeed not good.

I'm off to sleep on it. Maybe I'm still good at theatre?? But somehow, it seems so unlikely...

Pros and Cons of Unemployment

I wish I could say that it has been an unalloyed joy finally to devote myself to auditioning and working in my chosen field. I also wish that I weren't unemployed at the very moment that most of the work in my field has dried up. Don't get me wrong - I would love to spend all my time being an actor. And for the past few months, I have to a degree. But the snag is that being an actor is not nearly as good as working as an actor.

Also, it costs money to be alive. I'm lucky because I'm used to living on the cheap. I resist beautiful clothes, don't get seduced by gadgets, and like cooking for myself. I was raised by a banker and a saver. I know all about budgets and while I've never made a lot of money, I know better than to spend money I don't have.

But being unemployed for a year is kicking my butt, money-wise. I have rent money, for now. I have money for groceries. I do a little bit of teaching and I collect enough unemployment that the basics are covered, for now. But I took certain things for granted when I was unhappily ensconced in my horrible office job.

Now I cannot:

• travel. Especially, I'm afraid, to a friend's wedding in CA in May. I suppose a miracle could occur, but so far... I got subsidized for holiday travel, but I still feel guilty about that. I'm 35, for goodness sake's.
• save. It seems like a small thing, and actually, I do still put miniscule amounts "away" every month, but it's demoralizing. My banker wouldn't LET me put money in my IRA a week or so ago. "Are you working again?" No, I explained, but this was surplus. "You need to hang on to that money - you don't know what will happen, and you may need it." He's right. I tried to explain I have money in savings that I would use for emergencies. But my financial future is such that I can't guarantee I won't need that money.
• have children. Seriously. Am I ready to have children? I don't know. Can I even consider children while having no money and no foreseeable source thereof? No. Am I swiftly passing my sell-by date to have children? Yup.
• go to parties that require gifts. This makes me feel chintzy, and is still rude, since you're supposed to give shower gifts to people even if you miss their parties, right? But I just don't know how the budget could handle shower gifts - or wedding gifts, for that matter! I got lucky a while back - a friend of mine had a shower, and one of her requests (thank you lord) was for home cooked meals that she could freeze. Hurrah.

Let's pretend for a moment that money is no object.

Life should be great. I am finally able to devote myself to being an actor. I can go sit in the Equity office endlessly, trying to been seen for equity auditions. I can go to every commercial audition that I'm called to do. I have no conflicts of any kind.

However...

Of all the auditions I have done since September 2009, I have booked exactly two of them. One was a voiceover for a Public Service Announcement, so it paid exactly $153. For the other, I spent two hours pretending to be a long-suffering patient for the camera. I'll get paid about $250.

The Pros: I had a great time doing both of those jobs. The VO was funny and the studio we recorded it in had a great view over Chicago. It was a blast. The filming folks were easy-going and friendly.

The Cons: In 5 months, I've worked for about 3 hours and made $403. It's not about the money - I keep auditioning for theatre that would perform in tiny spaces for a "stipend" - and I would love doing the shows. Would LOVE it. Sadly, I haven't gotten cast in anything.

So you may have guessed I'm getting downhearted. (As would appear in Pogo: "Are We Downhearted?" "Yes!")

The possible upside? If I break down and get an office job (presuming that I can, there are no guarantees in this job market), I'll bet I'd be back to blogging a lot. There's enticement for those four loyal readers out there.

Maybe four is pushing it.

Am I downhearted? Yes.