Unexpected Twist

It's late, and I can't detail this development the way I'd like to, but I discovered something disturbing today.

I'm interning at a casting agency. One of the perks is that I can watch the dvds of some past auditions - even ones I auditioned for. Today was slow, so I took a look at some auditions.

I am not very good. Please understand, I'm not complaining so that someone will tell me how great I am. (I mean, no one will look at this blog for at least another couple of months, I'd starve to death waiting for that.)

I mean objectively, watching the tapes, I'm no good. I'm not embarrassingly horrific, but it's easy to see why I didn't book any of these jobs. I pull faces, I sound disconnected, and I currently look massive onscreen. The camera adds ten pounds, Christmas added ten pounds, at my lowest I still needed to kick off an extra five pounds - add that up, I'm wearing a flesh overcoat of at least an extra 25 pounds. I look ridiculous. I look like I had my skinnier self for a snack.


I have to go to bed now. But it's a shock to the system to discover that the reason I'm not getting more work is that I'm actually not good enough to get it. I've often said that just because I love acting doesn't mean I'm good at it, but it's still shocking to discover that I'm NOT good at it.

I'm not sure which is stranger or harder:

Giving it up because now I know why I won't get anywhere,

or considering keeping at it with the full knowledge that I'm not good.

I do realize there's an outside chance I could work at getting better, but I'm a good ten years into trying to make this a profession - it's a blow to find out I lack some basic skills.

I've often complained I don't feel like I'm good enough: this is a different statement. Today I looked at proof that I am indeed not good.

I'm off to sleep on it. Maybe I'm still good at theatre?? But somehow, it seems so unlikely...