Into the Void

Ok. Got it. I am writing all of this into a void, because no one reads this page. It's hard to get tone right in type - I'm ok with that, since I only ever had...hmmm...I think about 5 or 6 people who stopped by on occasion, and I didn't post anything for nearly a year, so fair enough.

So it's like I'm writing in a diary that someone could stumble upon. Should this make me more cautious or less cautious?

I wanted to post that I'm back to learning things at this internship. I was in on Friday watching auditions and thinking about how to prepare for commercial auditions and how to decipher what the agent is telling you. I watched a lot of people struggle with the directions and with the spot in general, and a lot of people had prepared but were not able to take direction to change their preparation. They weren't able to think of anything off the cuff to improv further in the scene, and most of them seemed completely thrown by being asked for anything beyond the script.

I can appreciate that feeling of being on the spot, so it made me think about how I could prepare myself for such an eventuality. In the nervousness of the moment, a lot of your thinking shuts down. I guess you have to do your thinking early, and THAT'S the kind of preparation you have to do.

Also interesting, the phrase "go further with it" from an agent's lips never refers to going bigger, it refers to extending the text. The trend in tv spots is small and real, unerplayed, deadpan, etc. The bigger you get, the less real you seem for today's spots. I haven't seen an exception yet, but I bet I will. It's just a trend, not an absolute.

I still think personally I am not very good at this, but yesterday I was able to get back to trying to figure out how it works. Maybe I can get better...I'm definitely going to take a class soon. I'm still pretty disappointed in myself, and it's hard to shake the idea that I'm never going to book real work because I don't have the talent for it. But for the moment, I'm going to keep going, and see if I can improve.

I wish I had something more to show for the 9 years I've been at this. Oh, well.

Unexpected Twist

It's late, and I can't detail this development the way I'd like to, but I discovered something disturbing today.

I'm interning at a casting agency. One of the perks is that I can watch the dvds of some past auditions - even ones I auditioned for. Today was slow, so I took a look at some auditions.

I am not very good. Please understand, I'm not complaining so that someone will tell me how great I am. (I mean, no one will look at this blog for at least another couple of months, I'd starve to death waiting for that.)

I mean objectively, watching the tapes, I'm no good. I'm not embarrassingly horrific, but it's easy to see why I didn't book any of these jobs. I pull faces, I sound disconnected, and I currently look massive onscreen. The camera adds ten pounds, Christmas added ten pounds, at my lowest I still needed to kick off an extra five pounds - add that up, I'm wearing a flesh overcoat of at least an extra 25 pounds. I look ridiculous. I look like I had my skinnier self for a snack.


I have to go to bed now. But it's a shock to the system to discover that the reason I'm not getting more work is that I'm actually not good enough to get it. I've often said that just because I love acting doesn't mean I'm good at it, but it's still shocking to discover that I'm NOT good at it.

I'm not sure which is stranger or harder:

Giving it up because now I know why I won't get anywhere,

or considering keeping at it with the full knowledge that I'm not good.

I do realize there's an outside chance I could work at getting better, but I'm a good ten years into trying to make this a profession - it's a blow to find out I lack some basic skills.

I've often complained I don't feel like I'm good enough: this is a different statement. Today I looked at proof that I am indeed not good.

I'm off to sleep on it. Maybe I'm still good at theatre?? But somehow, it seems so unlikely...