The point

I just looked out the window and saw the leaves of the tree on the right have flushed a brilliant yellow, and it's glowing beautifully out there in the sunny autumn day.  The shadow of the leaves is glittering on the floor of my apartment, giving it a gleeful party atmosphere tempered with the lingering awareness that this is the party we throw before winter, before death creeps over all these plants and the air and the sky.

Then I came to attempt to describe it and for several minutes, I was unable to convince myself I had anything interesting to say about it.  It's a just a tree whose leaves have turned.  Outside my window.  Who cares?  I skittered back away from writing it down and went hunting for funny pictures of cats to amuse my brain, to fill the impulse I have to write something down.

Clearly, I eventually vaulted over such reservations, but it took a battle, and it took reminding myself that by writing this here, I'm not bothering anyone.  No one is required to read this blog - hell, for the most part, no one does read it.  Why not leave myself a marker for my day, a reminder that today I noticed something outside my very own window and it was beautiful?

Well, no reason, obviously.  But it's not exactly enough.  I want to write something I would share with others, want this to be a place someone would happen upon and stick around because they found it charming, or entertaining or informative.

But either I end up judging attempts so harshly that I stall every attempt to write a line or I let myself freewheel into eddies I cringe to read later.

So that's the fight going on over here.  It's a hundred years war, absolutely.  Luck to you all on yours.

Ourselves as others see us

You know that moment when everything turns inside out and suddenly you see yourself from the outside and you realize how fucking stupid you are?  I can't guarantee you've had one of these moments but I'll go out on a limb and guess yes.

Anyway, I've had them, frequently (and recently), and here's another now.  I'm genuinely horrified by myself.

I'm going to attempt to give up blogging.  I can't guarantee I will, because I may decide that since no one ever reads this, it doesn't matter if it's poorly written and merely chronicles my total failure as a human being.  

I know it sounds weak to say I'll try harder not to be a repetitive idiot.  However, I will try harder.

Also, I will get some sleep.  And possibly delete this in the morning.  Things look better in the morning, sometimes.