Oof

I haven't been writing much, and eventually I'll probably regret that.  Later I'll wonder how I felt throughout pregnancy, and there won't be a record.  Maybe the lack of notes means I'm busy being instead of analyzing, for a change, though I won't bet on that.  Maybe if I wrote all the time it would just be one long refrain on "I'm tired and mostly frightened of the future."

I wish I could say I'm at one with the mystery of creating a child.  Yes, baby clothes (and things) are really cute.  I held a three week old baby this weekend and he was beautiful.  I see that this all has a magic I'm lucky to experience.  I didn't get pregnant because I thought I should or my husband wanted children or my parents needed grandchildren.  I did it because I honestly love kids and think it ought to be exciting and fun to have a family.  It's unexplored territory, new horizons.

Truth: most of the time I feel like I'm losing myself already, and the baby isn't even born yet.  I'm not resenting the baby, still far from it, but so much of my being has been tabled while I do this new thing that I don't feel myself.  I feel like a washed out, faded version of myself.  Hormones flood my body and this temporary state feels permanent, as if my personality were a balloon leaking air.

And just when I get worked up, I have to take a nap.

I know the idea of an excuse to be lazy and eat a lot of food sounds great, but in practice it isn't.

Now, I gotta go take a nap.  I hope...I don't know, I hope it turns out the baby is taking a third of my oxygen, blood supply, and energy, and when he/she is born, I'll discover I have all those things back - plus a new baby that my body grew all on its own.

And I hope radio drama makes a big comeback in the US so if I'm ever pregnant again I have something I can do to keep me sane.

Conversation

Me: Well, think about when your girlfriend finally moved in.  Remember how you felt?

H: Yeah, it felt like a huge commitment that I wasn't sure I was ready for, but her lease had expired and the clock was ticking and I had to just give it a shot.

Me:  Ok, so imagine that instead of your girlfriend, who you knew you loved, you were getting ready to take in a mail-order bride.  You've only seen a couple of blurry pictures of her, you've never talked to her, and you don't have any idea if you'll like her or not, but to get the paperwork to clear, you'll be married to her, so the commitment is guaranteed.

H:  Oh, that would have made me way more anxious, yes.

Me:  But wait.  Turns out, not only does she not speak English, she doesn't speak at all, in fact, she doesn't know any basic skills, like how to feed and dress herself, and you'll have to teach her every bit of it, from the ground up.

H:  I think I see where this is going.

Me:  AND then it turns out you have to give up a third of your blood supply, energy, and oxygen for nine months just to keep her alive. 

H: And to make this metaphor work, you gotta include that there won't be any sex.

Me:  Right.  Yes.  That's sort of what having a baby feels like right now.