Oof

I haven't been writing much, and eventually I'll probably regret that.  Later I'll wonder how I felt throughout pregnancy, and there won't be a record.  Maybe the lack of notes means I'm busy being instead of analyzing, for a change, though I won't bet on that.  Maybe if I wrote all the time it would just be one long refrain on "I'm tired and mostly frightened of the future."

I wish I could say I'm at one with the mystery of creating a child.  Yes, baby clothes (and things) are really cute.  I held a three week old baby this weekend and he was beautiful.  I see that this all has a magic I'm lucky to experience.  I didn't get pregnant because I thought I should or my husband wanted children or my parents needed grandchildren.  I did it because I honestly love kids and think it ought to be exciting and fun to have a family.  It's unexplored territory, new horizons.

Truth: most of the time I feel like I'm losing myself already, and the baby isn't even born yet.  I'm not resenting the baby, still far from it, but so much of my being has been tabled while I do this new thing that I don't feel myself.  I feel like a washed out, faded version of myself.  Hormones flood my body and this temporary state feels permanent, as if my personality were a balloon leaking air.

And just when I get worked up, I have to take a nap.

I know the idea of an excuse to be lazy and eat a lot of food sounds great, but in practice it isn't.

Now, I gotta go take a nap.  I hope...I don't know, I hope it turns out the baby is taking a third of my oxygen, blood supply, and energy, and when he/she is born, I'll discover I have all those things back - plus a new baby that my body grew all on its own.

And I hope radio drama makes a big comeback in the US so if I'm ever pregnant again I have something I can do to keep me sane.