White shoes

Ok, how did life get so busy and frightening? And why do my white shoes look so very odd? I mean, I know it's after Labor Day, but these are Keds, people.

First, having big life discussions is scary. When you and your (still somewhat prospective) life partner sit down and make a timeline for a) buying property b) having children and c) whatever else you want, it's pretty overwhelming. Because I can't deny the fact that I am getting older, and I feel trapped between all the things I have yet to accomplish for myself and the compromises inherent in having a family. Let me break that down for you:

I have so little money, really, it's pitiful. This shortage is partly due to my attempt to be a working actress, which still doesn't yet pay. It may, oh, how I want it to, but then again it may not.

It's hard to have children with no money.

It's even harder to buy property with no money.

So it feels like if I ever want property or children, I have to give up on being a working actor. Oh, I don't have to give up acting entirely, I just have to get a 9-5 real job, one that brings in the money more consistently.

But I can't help it, I still hope the ACTING can bring in the money. I mean, that would just solve everything. Then my life gets to be a) AND b), not a) OR b).

That's what I want, I want an AND life.

When I sat down (ok, lay down) and had this monumental conversation this weekend, I realized I'm closing in on needing it make the acting pay. I'm not talking about fortunes, I mean a living wage. I'm running out of time to call this a profession.

Because if I can't, I come to a crossroads, and no matter which way I go, I'll spend some time thinking about the direction I never got to explore. Maybe, knowing me, a lot of time.



Come on, wheel of fate.....no whammies, no whammies....