Adventure

Me: "You know the internet joint account we set up, the one we called 'Wedding Expenses'"?

Husband: "Sure, why?"

Me: "Well, we don't have any wedding expenses anymore, so I renamed it today."

Husband: (after a slightly skeptical look): "Whatdja call it?"

Me: "Funtime Spending. It seemed much more...festive."

Husband: (admiringly) "You're right. That's much better. Funtime Spending. I might have to go buy something right away..."

It's time for an adventure, and we're actually going to have one. I'm not sure how it will turn out, as we're poor and money is a big issue for the moment, but someone else bought our tickets as a wedding present so we're going. To England. In about a month.

I don't even know where to start. Hubby's been (and I've lived there), so we don't have to do "Famous Britain", but there are so many places I'd like to show him and so many people I hope he can meet. I also wish we could spend weeks and weeks just wandering. Actually, I really do wish we could cycle across Europe. Is that unrealistic? Can it be done? What with our complete lack of any language besides English and lack of dough?

It's tricky. I'd like to live a little riskier but I no longer seem to make choices that lead me that direction. It's the reverse of a realization I had in my twenties. Back then, I was sitting on a train platform waiting, looking at the rafters and thinking how much I hate change, when it occurred to me how much change I had brought upon myself. I had intentionally sought out each and every change. "Bloody hell," I thought, "I must like change, really." And it seemed I did.

Now I suddenly realize I have stayed in the same place for nearly 7 years, making fairly safe choices. I have an IRA, for goodness sake, I pay for my own health insurance. I feel a little wrong-footed. I still like change - it's one of the best parts of being an actor, that each project is different. But I've cut myself off from some of the adventure. Maybe that's wise, maybe I'm being clever and grown up. I mean, if someone ran into me tomorrow while I was riding my bike to work, my insurance would be there for the big medical bills.

And I suppose getting married is a big change. I know it is for me.

So how do I keep the IRA and the health insurance and get back to risk? How do I stay on track to save money for a house and still backpack across Europe? Have I just plain run out of time for any more foolishness?

Food for thought.

Not Bad At All

I'm busy being an ordinary person, and it's ok. I don't love it -I miss working on a show, and I'd always rather be doing an acting gig than working in an office, but for now, it's fine. My one and only favorite lawyer came into the office today and I remembered what it's like to work for people you can actually like and respect. While yes, that means I normally don't work for people I can like and respect, it makes a nice change for today.

Further, since Michigan I am not as irritated. The lawyers are just as irritating, but for the moment I can handle it. I punch in, do my 9 to 5, go home, and wait for the paycheck.

It's a lot easier to do this because I know it is finite. In October I go into rehearsals for a big musical downtown. If I wanted to, I could probably live entirely off my paycheck and spend about two and a half months away from this law firm. I may try working two days a week instead, as then I can try to really get ahead in terms of rent and money and IRA and such. But even the idea of limiting this to two days a week while I spend the rest of my time doing 8 shows a week sounds grand.

So in the meantime I'm taking what they're givin' 'cause I'm working for a living. I'm a little embarrassed to be so practical, but at least my job-I-hate allows me to do the things I love.

In the meantime, the sweetie and I will be going to London in a few months. It feels very strange - London is a place I'd like to go back to live in someday, but right now all I can see is how much I've built this world in Chicago. I jumped around a lot in my twenties, and settling down felt like selling out. Now, however, I can see the advantage to staying put and grinding out what I'm trying to get.

More and more, I see the things I've done that succeeded have always been within my power but I didn't know how to access them before - like playing a video game where you have to know how to unlock secret aids - the aids are always there, but it takes some trial and error to unlock them. So for now, I have to keep playing this game over and over until I master it.

Sadly, I am slow to master it. But I creep forward, bit by bit. This month, I think I can be content with the progress and enjoy the fact that I get a new experience out of it starting in October.

And then, underneath it all, there's a lot more ambition. I want a lot more than this. I'm trying to enjoy what I do have while I get there.

I will get there, won't I?

Michigan and such

So, two weeks in Michigan doing Shakespeare outdoors - fantastic. I had one rough patch right in the middle where I got grumpy and pissy, but otherwise I had a beautiful time. I couldn't do this job all the time, because that part of Michigan is just vacation land, and this led to me eating way too much pie and other bad-for-me things. But aside from the unfortunate weight gain, it was the best acting job ever.

The theatre is a bandshell outdoors and the audience sits on a hillside and watches the show - gorgeous. Amazing to watch the sun go down over that hill. The audiences were lovely - so appreciative and so friendly. I couldn't help wishing I could be in the plays more so that I could entertain everyone more!

It was a very motley crew we took up, and I had (have) mixed feelings...not so much bad and good feelings, but affection mixed with utter caution. Some of these people are involved in dramas I want no part of. Some of them are involved in substances that increase the drama. I found myself wishing for a real grownup along - just one, because of course if everyone is a grownup the parties are no fun. But one real grownup would have waded in and settled some things definitively.

I'm being vague on purpose - I like (in many cases adore) these people, so I would hate to imagine one of them coming across this and getting the wrong idea.

Two weeks in Michigan made me realize again I'm not very good in group dynamics - I have less than a perfect track record in groups or with group mentalities. Fortunately, I was in this case able to just go along with the flow. I have had groups that I felt totally comfortable with and could completely be myself - maybe next year with these folks. Not that they aren't great, I just do better the second time around with these things.

Here's an example of my grumpy period. A woman came up from Chicago to visit, call her Sadie. For about four days, all I heard all day long was how fantastic she was. "Oh, Sadie's awesome, she's the best ever at everything and everyone likes her. She has no faults, she's both powerful and kind, and every one that meets her wants to fall down at her feet and worship her."

Maybe not those exact words, but that was the general sense. I was, of course, perversely irritated and had every intention of despising this angel.

Joke's on me - she really WAS a magnificent creature, with fascinating background and care for those around her. And I was delighted to meet her, and after that I kind of had to get over myself for a while.

Other than a few episodes of true jealousy, I really had a great time. Lots of water sports, we were staying on a lake and got to hang out on the dock during our copious free time. Most of what craziness there was didn't ruin anything for me. And I was exceptionally happy when my husband finally arrived...it was glorious to go exploring the terrain with him.

I gathered enough bliss from two weeks in Michigan to keep me calm during a weekend with my mother out in San Diego. We went out for my college roommate's wedding, which was absolutely lovely. For me it was a great combination of realizing how glad I was I got married and all the good things I can remember from the wedding (the unpleasantness is fading), and then on the other hand being jealous in moments that my roomie had managed to do x, y, or z that I didn't get around to during or for my wedding. It was a great time, though, and I think my mother was on her best behavior - not a single word about what I should or shouldn't wear, plunging necklines and all. Not a whipser of my needing to lose five pounds. (It's always five, even when it was more like 15-20 I needed to lose.)

My husband had hoped that I would get something along the lines of: "I'm so glad we did it our way at YOUR wedding," from my mother. But I predicted correctly that mom would have a great time and would have found such comments rude. However, I'm happy to note that she didn't stoop to "I wish you'd done it THIS way," which was a relief. I am trying to come to terms with never having my mother's approval, and it's a lot easier when I'm not getting blatant DISapproval.

We managed to stay cordial and Mom really had a great time - she had wanted to be there very badly, and I am glad I could assist. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and only wished I could have been more help to my roommate. All the details were done weeks or months ago, and the whole event was very well-planned. I just wish I could have made some part of the festivities easier or more fun for her.

Nonetheless, I am very happy I got to be a part of everything, and it was a lovely wedding.

Wow - nearly three weeks I enjoyed entirely! Yay!