Deep Breath

So, tomorrow is a big day.  I start rehearsing for a project I can actually believe in, with people I highly respect.  I get to be one of the people I'm always jealous of.  I get to play with people whose careers I want to model, I get to work on a play I am excited to be a part of, with people who blow me away.

I'm scared, of course, and grateful, and thrilled, and god I hope I have whatever it takes to play on this level.  Because I'm not a gamer kind of gal, but this is most definitely a level up.  Level. Up.

Naturally, I want to spin some kind of imaginative direct bee line from tomorrow to me accepting some sort of Tony or Emmy or some nonsense - and I say nonsense not out of false modesty, but with the acceptance that the trajectory I'm currently on just doesn't logically follow to those points.  But that doesn't even matter.  I was thrilled to audition for this play, and I tried very hard to prepare myself for not being cast, since numerically and historically, my acting career (and to some degree, my life) has been about trying to withstand disappointment.

But, and I'm not even embarrassed to say this, I'm nearly teary-eyed with this, TOMORROW IS A DAY ABOUT GETTING WHAT I WANTED.  About being the person they chose.  About finally catapulting over the endless judging and auditioning and rejection and instead being able to focus on the WORK.  Because I got work, folks.  I got work at a theatre I adore with people I revere and I couldn't be luckier or happier.

I got the work I wanted and I cannot wait to give this theatre my entire life for the next five months.

I know I whine a lot here.  I bitch and moan and cry, and when I read the things I wrote, I feel petty and small and weak.  I wanted to write this post to remind me and anyone who ever drops by that I know how to be happy, wickedly happy, joyously happy.  I'm even pleased tonight to realize and remember that I've felt like this before, because I've been lucky enough to get cast in plays I cared about before, even if it has been a while since that happened.

I'm still worried about my Dad and anxious about money and I yearn for the people who made me smile that are missing from my life.  But at the same time, starting tomorrow, I am the luckiest girl in the world for a time.

Now, let's see if the next five months of posts can reflect that.  Heh.