When someone else gets something you want (or has something you want), does it make it better or worse that they deserve it? When you can look at them objectively and see that the object of your jealousy may be smarter, more talented, heck, younger and prettier (or simply more attractive), more creative, nicer or all around a better person...does this make it easier or harder?
If, for instance, someone gets cast in something I wish I could have done...if that person isn't good in the role, then I can comfort myself that a mistake was made. But if they are not only great, but better than I can imagine ever being, I might feel worse, but at least I know justice was done.
There's someone I feel vaguely jealous of, and as I clicked through to find out more about them I could hear my own voice saying, "Why are you doing this, this is a wretched, stupid thing to do..." And by then I'd done it, and couldn't undo it, and was trapped. It wasn't even painful, just eye-opening, sort of like the sensation I imagine people who cut themselves have as the blood wells up from a slice but the synapses haven't communicated any kind of hurt yet. The way people describe being shot, and looking at the hole where the bullet went but shock blocks the comprehending of any pain.
Smarter? Check.
More attractive? Double check.
More talented? Obviously.
In every way a better choice? Yes.
And I don't even mean this as a self-pitying rant - I have good qualities, I have talents, I have a modicum of intelligence and I'm attractive in my own way. I'm not saying woe-is-me. I'm just wavering between whether it's easier or harder to let an idea go when you know you didn't ever deserve it in the first place.
I think I'm leaning towards harder. Because it's one thing to lose. It's another to realize you don't have the talent to win.
As Iris Murdoch wrote: "One must perform the lower act which one can manage and sustain: not the higher act which one bungles." I too have failed accurately to estimate my own resources.
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