Much better

Sometimes, you just need everyone to go away and work through some stuff you've left undone for weeks. Then you do the dishes and crank the music up, and life just gets juicer and more vibrant.  You've added the metaphoric equivalent of half and half instead of skim milk.  You've used butter instead of margarine.  You've started listening to soul instead of smooth jazz.

Ahhhh.

I like being alone.  I feel vaguely re-set.  I have a lot of doubts about what I want and how I'm going to get it, even though on the outside, it appears nothing has changed for about twenty years.  I am definitely doubting my ability to function in the world in a relaxed yet purposeful way.  Then I just let the music hit my skin like light and sing along, careless, unworried, and I remember something important.

I know joy.  I know it.  I know where it lives in me, what parts of me are activated by it, and the activities I need to pursue to obtain it.  And more or less, everyone I meet and talk to either helps me find it or obscures it, and I'm not always smart enough to know which is happening at what moment.

But if everyone just goes away, and I'm left to my own devices, I can clear some of the detritus out of the way and get the path really open and clear.  Music helps, as does travel.

Ahhh.  Better.  I'm going to finish the dishes and spend some time alone, and I'm going to love it.