Struggling

So, yes, I got bad news.  I got the kind of news that slaps you in the mouth, draws blood, and then laughs at you while you try to keep it together.

I'm not going to lie.  Without getting specific, this news hurts, and it will hurt for a while.  As my husband says, getting dumped always sucks, regardless of who has dumped you for whatever reason.  No one likes being told they aren't wanted.

(Oh, just so you know, this is professional.  My husband is still awesome, and keeps me sane with gifts, love, cuddling, and emotional security.  If he dumped me, I wouldn't write about it, I probably wouldn't be able to function.)

So, bad professional news.  I feel shitty about it.  But in the past months I've thought a lot about the bitterness I carry around and how it feels like bitterness itself is holding me back - not the things that happened to cause it, but my especial, sometimes overwrought, reaction to said events.  I dated someone for 6 weeks once and he dumped me and it took me SIX MONTHS to get over it, and I didn't even like him that much.

At some point recently I stated that I want to put the bitterness down.  To a large extent, the awesome project has let me do that, albeit temporarily.  Now I want to take it one step farther.  I want to avoid the bitterness altogether.

Something happened and it's painful.  If I look at it too hard I will see the message is that I am wasting my time trying to be an actor, that I do not have any talent, that I do not have the ability to tell a story onstage.

I am going to skip this message by no longer looking at this bad news.  I'm gonna skip it completely.  I'm going to find ways to lie to myself about what happened if I have to think of it at all.  If I have to, I will drug my psyche with books to shut the thoughts off.  When, unbidden, this news or news like it comes into my head, I plan to repeat the phrase "let it go" over and over and over until something distracts me.

I don't know how it will work.  But it seems worth a try.  If you need me, I'll just be sitting here on this sofa crocheting and reading Game of Thrones until something good happens.