Can't stop

I'm on a destructive path, though I shouldn't say "I can't stop" because I suspect I could stop given the right circumstances.  However, I do not seem to be stopping.

There are a lot of people better than me at a lot of things.  Truth be told, there's probably someone better than me at all things, taken one at a time.  I am not a superlative sort of person - nice enough, good enough, but not someone who ranks high in lists, or wins things, or, truth be told, even gets picked in her chosen profession all that often.  Sometimes I do, yes, and when I do, it feels terrific.  Outstanding.  Those are the good days, the ones that keep me going forward instead of just leaping down a well.

But often in life, a situation comes up where someone is better than I am...usually at one thing, though often at multiple things.

Now I'm in a situation where someone got picked for something and I did not.  To be fair - I was never actually in the running AT ALL.  As in, the person making the decision was not thinking, hmmm, should I take elsbeth for this purpose, or this trulyfantasticamazingperfectthrilling bag of awesome instead??  No, it's just the alternate person was always and ever the right person for the job.

Ok.  Ok.  Fair enough.  Happens to us all.  Best and smartest thing to do (you know this, right??) is just put it behind me and get on with whatever's next.

Except I don't.  I keep checking back in on this situation ALL THE TIME and every time I do I feel like throwing up, but I just don't seem to stop.  I can't seem to look away.  Even though (I think?) I truly could forget about it if I just stopped reminding myself every two seconds.

Which is the point in question.  I'm not enjoying feeling permanently, intrinsically inferior.  So why can't I stop?  Am I desperately looking for evidence that this person made the wrong choice and that The Perfect One is not, in actual fact, perfect?  Do I feel the need to punish myself in some way I'm not currently conscious of?  Do I alternately look for proof that the job itself was not worth having by checking in on TPO?

I remember this sensation from the past - I was cast in a musical in college as an old woman (I wasn't one at the time) and a beautiful, sweet blonde was cast to sing all the really pretty songs.  In keeping with this post, she was an amazing singer and absolutely blew me out of the water - I was jealous but even then I would never ever have expected to be cast in that role instead of her, she was incredible and perfect for it.  To add insult to injury, however, her costume was a dress that had been specially made for me the year before, for a different play.  And they had to take it in to fit the gorgeous blonde.  Which meant I could never wear it again (I'd rented it the year before for Halloween, to be Jane Eyre).

I loved that costume.  It was Victorian, black, off the shoulder, the neckline trimmed with jet beads.  I LOVED that dress.  And every night I would make a special trip during the prettiest song of the show (which of course she was singing), and watch how beautiful this blonde girl sounded and looked in a way I would never be able to match, wearing a dress that even though it had been made for me, looked way better on her.

It made me feel like shit, naturally.  I teared up most nights, more from jealousy than being moved by the singing (though it truly was lovely).  But every night I was in the wings, watching it.  And I didn't have to be there - I could have sat in the green room or stayed in a dressing room cracking jokes with fellow cast members.

So, thinking of that, the only explanation is I must like feeling inferior?  But I don't!

So confusing.  Ok, off to cyberstalk someone who is better than I am in every imaginable way.

Addendum:  someone recently mentioned the blonde to me, and then waxed poetic about the very scene I just described and how absolutely beautiful she was and how every man wanted that girl, and even with a headstart of about 17 years to get over it, I still felt like shit.

Man, I wish I'd go ahead and grow up, certain things would be so much easier.