Great question

A friend saved my life today by asking me a very interesting question.

"What's the thing you're looking most forward to, having a baby?"

And I realized that for the moment, if I were being super honest, I would have said, nothing, but I couldn't really say that so I had to reach into my mind and turn it inside out.  I need an attitude adjustment.  Because yes, this whole process is terrifying, but I wouldn't be going through it if I didn't want to have children.  I do want to have children.  I have always wanted to have children.  I like them, I like being around them and I get a lot of enjoyment from the ones I teach.

I told him I'm looking forward to being there to watch a child discover things for the first time, to be able to introduce the things I love to another person who will be (at least for the first 5-6 years) consistently blown away by the world.  And I was sort of making that answer up, but as I said it, it also felt really true.  I am looking forward to that.  "What thing will you be most excited about introducing him or her to?" my friend asked, and I said everything, I mean, dinosaurs!  How cool are dinosaurs!  And that's just the beginning.  But when I thought about it more, my answer is: story.  I'm most excited to introduce story to my child.  Music a close second.

Ever since that moment, I've realized how much fear is running me for the moment.  I'm not proud of that, though I can give myself a break and admit it's pretty reasonable and normal.  I'm so frightened of what I may be losing and how painful this change is going to be that I have no space to dwell on the amazing thing I may get in return.  Because even without story or dinosaurs or music or anything else, I'm about to bring more love into the world.  Maybe more of some other things, too, maybe a little more mess or order or science or art (or crazy), but no matter what, I can teach a child to love, and my family can help, and that will ricochet through our lives forever.

I'm mostly still terrified.  And I do deeply fear losing myself to this person who doesn't exist yet.  But a tiny corner of my brain opened up this week to the idea that maybe, just maybe, this might be fun.

Just gonna get harder

This was the week being pregnant really wasn't pleasant.  I've been sailing through relatively easily, but this week a car wreck, plus traveling in a plane to a place with air dry enough to give me nosebleeds, plus possibly the beginnings of hemrrhoids (yep, joy), plus swelling in my ankles and feet, plus true exhaustion born of aforesaid travel, all combined to make me fairly miserable.

The anxiety is really coming to the forefront, as well.  This is truly scary, having a child, and I have no idea what I'm doing, or even to some extent why some days.  I don't know if this child will be healthy, or someone I can like.  I don't know if I can make enough money to support him/her (we still don't know). I don't know if I will end up giving up all of what I want and what I love to support and care for this being who will be in a pretty basic mode for the first year or so.  It's terrifying.  And that's just anxiety about the baby itself...what about the birth??  That's truly terrifying as well - pain I cannot even imagine.  Truth be told, going through the nine months of pregnancy is pretty troubling, since you really do give up an entire lifetime of understanding what your body does and how it behaves for months of uncertainty and new limits on what you can do every day.  It's a slow losing of oneself, and that's difficult for me (and probably most people, really).

I hope after the birth I come back to this blog and write how much it's all worth it.  I already know how lucky I am to be pregnant at all.  When I actually meet this person my body is creating, I hope to be blown away by the event.  Because there's no getting around the fact that I am doing this, and the only other alternatives to going through childbirth and caring for the baby are so sad and heartbreaking they don't bear thinking about.

What a difference

I forget every single time.  I get bogged down in something that isn't theatre - no rehearsals, not in a show, whatever - and I forget that I physically need it, like Vitamin C, to function.  Then I get a dose from somewhere and, bam!  I perk up, the jaundice fades, life gets sparky again.

This does worry me about having a baby. Naturally.  Heh.  Because it's definitely going to be a while until I can do much of anything.  Heh.

But guys!  Guys!  I did a play reading last night, and I felt so differently afterwards it was astonishing.  And here's the nice part - reading that play, sitting there trying to do justice to a story with lots of other people to bounce off of and react to, I could actually feel power coming back online.  I could feel the medicine working.  And I could feel myself being good at this.

Ok, that sounds obnoxious.  Sorry.  There are still lots of people who are way better.  I don't mean I'm amazing.  But I can say I have experience and enthusiasm, and even occasional flashes of talent.  It was a really lovely night.

On the strength of it, I managed to get the hell out of bed this morning and exercise, and start working my way through a pile of things that need to get done.  Because when you're an actor, you're supposed to act, or else what's the use of talking?  And when you do act, you get the nutrients you need from life.

Bless that man for asking me to take part.  And universe....you need to book me something for after this baby.  Because I want to be there and enjoy it and have a great time having a kid, and I will be worse than useless if there's nothing to give me this feeling.