This was the week being pregnant really wasn't pleasant. I've been sailing through relatively easily, but this week a car wreck, plus traveling in a plane to a place with air dry enough to give me nosebleeds, plus possibly the beginnings of hemrrhoids (yep, joy), plus swelling in my ankles and feet, plus true exhaustion born of aforesaid travel, all combined to make me fairly miserable.
The anxiety is really coming to the forefront, as well. This is truly scary, having a child, and I have no idea what I'm doing, or even to some extent why some days. I don't know if this child will be healthy, or someone I can like. I don't know if I can make enough money to support him/her (we still don't know). I don't know if I will end up giving up all of what I want and what I love to support and care for this being who will be in a pretty basic mode for the first year or so. It's terrifying. And that's just anxiety about the baby itself...what about the birth?? That's truly terrifying as well - pain I cannot even imagine. Truth be told, going through the nine months of pregnancy is pretty troubling, since you really do give up an entire lifetime of understanding what your body does and how it behaves for months of uncertainty and new limits on what you can do every day. It's a slow losing of oneself, and that's difficult for me (and probably most people, really).
I hope after the birth I come back to this blog and write how much it's all worth it. I already know how lucky I am to be pregnant at all. When I actually meet this person my body is creating, I hope to be blown away by the event. Because there's no getting around the fact that I am doing this, and the only other alternatives to going through childbirth and caring for the baby are so sad and heartbreaking they don't bear thinking about.
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