So for the impact to make sense, you'll have to read the post under this one, but I found an article about Malcolm Gladwell's new book that made me reassess my moroseness:
“What’s surprising is how much work it takes. Ten thousand hours is a long time. It’s both a daunting and an empowering lesson. It says that, if you haven’t made it, it may not be because you don’t have what it takes. It may just be that you have misunderstood how extraordinarily long it takes for everyone. When you see how long the Beatles put in before they arrived in the USA in 1964 . . . There’s not a shortage of talent in the world. There’s a shortage of people willing to go to Hamburg to play eight-hour sets.” -Malcolm Gladwell
Oh.
Well, in that case, instead of holding my pity party, I've got some more hours to put in. Excuse me, I just remembered I'm lucky enough to be putting some of those in on a really lovely show off of Michigan Ave.
Sometimes, you gotta take your eyes off the horizon to see how far you've actually come. Because the horizon is always, always receeding in the distance. No matter how much ground you may have covered.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Lots
The adventure - lovely. The show - amazing. My current mood - abjectly morose.
It was bracing to be in London again. However stupid it may sound, it does feel like home, and it is a place of great magic for me. It was very odd having my husband along, because I've never been in the city with someone before - it's always been a place I explored basically alone. Of course I had friends and companions at different moments, but I was essentially wandering with only my own curiousity as a guide. Suddenly I had this other person, and this other person had no agenda but definitely got irritated and bored by following my agenda on occasion. It was like dragging the poor man to a 10 day college reunion. It's interesting to meet the people your spouse spent time with, but eventually it wears on you because it isn't your world you're catching up on.
Regardless, we had some glorious moments and no real blow outs, so I think that's pretty successful traveling. I was just reminded of how jealous of my time my husband can be - he gets saturated, and can handle our being apart, but overall he'd like us to hang out most of the time, and he doesn't want to come second to anyone else. (Fair enough, obviously.)
The trip was both a reminder that we are separate people as well as how much I have been absorbed into the "us-ness" we have. I have mixed feelings about that. I think more and more of the "us" as home base, and it's a great relief to have a place in the world that's home base. But there are parts of me I have put in storage for the moment, and I hope someday to unwrap them again.
I got back and started rehearsing for an equity show. It was fantastic and frightening, wonderful and woeful. I LOVE working where people do this for their living - they act in shows, and they get health insurance, and pension plans, and a support system, and a series of rules that makes their lives easier. I love the people I've met in this show - everyone is there to do a good job and I can respect everyone's work. Also, they make me laugh myself silly.
I am also completely overwhelmed with trying to be good enough, and deathly afraid this will be my only chance at acting in a world like this. It's taken so long, soooooo long to book this one show on this level, and now I don't want to go back, I want to stay here, and I'm afraid I don't have the chops for it. I've done a handful of auditions since we started, and none of them have been impressive, and I haven't booked a single one of those jobs.
I can't help but think, if I were any good, wouldn't I have already gotten on this level and stayed there? I mean, I've met people who came to town and in a year and a half have booked six months of an equity show and a reading at the Goodman. After seven years, I'm working equity....as a non-equity, non-dancing dancer and an understudy.
So here's the problem. Even if I'm actually not that talented, I can't stop. I love it. I LOVE it. It makes sense. I love 8 shows a week and rehearsal halls and silly backstage talk and TELLING A STORY. So even if I suck, I have to keep trying. Because I love it. But how sad it will be to know I suck and still keep trying? I want my love of it to make me talented, but it doesn't.
I'll be ok working non-equity - I still love theatre for telling a story, and that's something completely independent of union status. I just want so much for this to be my work, and there's not enough money in non-eq, even commercial non-eq, to keep me afloat. One of the best parts of these months have been the very few days I have had to spend working in an office, and now, with no more paid work on the horizon, it's back to the office, and that's hard to take. It's my Flowers for Algernon moment, and I'm worried I'll never get back.
I guess I'll have to work harder. Sigh. When I see Northwestern grads bounce from show to show, I can't help feeling a little bitter. Maybe someday I'll get there.
It was bracing to be in London again. However stupid it may sound, it does feel like home, and it is a place of great magic for me. It was very odd having my husband along, because I've never been in the city with someone before - it's always been a place I explored basically alone. Of course I had friends and companions at different moments, but I was essentially wandering with only my own curiousity as a guide. Suddenly I had this other person, and this other person had no agenda but definitely got irritated and bored by following my agenda on occasion. It was like dragging the poor man to a 10 day college reunion. It's interesting to meet the people your spouse spent time with, but eventually it wears on you because it isn't your world you're catching up on.
Regardless, we had some glorious moments and no real blow outs, so I think that's pretty successful traveling. I was just reminded of how jealous of my time my husband can be - he gets saturated, and can handle our being apart, but overall he'd like us to hang out most of the time, and he doesn't want to come second to anyone else. (Fair enough, obviously.)
The trip was both a reminder that we are separate people as well as how much I have been absorbed into the "us-ness" we have. I have mixed feelings about that. I think more and more of the "us" as home base, and it's a great relief to have a place in the world that's home base. But there are parts of me I have put in storage for the moment, and I hope someday to unwrap them again.
I got back and started rehearsing for an equity show. It was fantastic and frightening, wonderful and woeful. I LOVE working where people do this for their living - they act in shows, and they get health insurance, and pension plans, and a support system, and a series of rules that makes their lives easier. I love the people I've met in this show - everyone is there to do a good job and I can respect everyone's work. Also, they make me laugh myself silly.
I am also completely overwhelmed with trying to be good enough, and deathly afraid this will be my only chance at acting in a world like this. It's taken so long, soooooo long to book this one show on this level, and now I don't want to go back, I want to stay here, and I'm afraid I don't have the chops for it. I've done a handful of auditions since we started, and none of them have been impressive, and I haven't booked a single one of those jobs.
I can't help but think, if I were any good, wouldn't I have already gotten on this level and stayed there? I mean, I've met people who came to town and in a year and a half have booked six months of an equity show and a reading at the Goodman. After seven years, I'm working equity....as a non-equity, non-dancing dancer and an understudy.
So here's the problem. Even if I'm actually not that talented, I can't stop. I love it. I LOVE it. It makes sense. I love 8 shows a week and rehearsal halls and silly backstage talk and TELLING A STORY. So even if I suck, I have to keep trying. Because I love it. But how sad it will be to know I suck and still keep trying? I want my love of it to make me talented, but it doesn't.
I'll be ok working non-equity - I still love theatre for telling a story, and that's something completely independent of union status. I just want so much for this to be my work, and there's not enough money in non-eq, even commercial non-eq, to keep me afloat. One of the best parts of these months have been the very few days I have had to spend working in an office, and now, with no more paid work on the horizon, it's back to the office, and that's hard to take. It's my Flowers for Algernon moment, and I'm worried I'll never get back.
I guess I'll have to work harder. Sigh. When I see Northwestern grads bounce from show to show, I can't help feeling a little bitter. Maybe someday I'll get there.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Adventure Ahoy
It's coming...in about ten days we hop an Air India flight to the UK. I am trying to juggle what I need to get done here with wanting to be there already and planning what needs to happen. My honey was asking me what we'd do, and I had to slightly make up what we'd do, because the truth is I'm going to want to wander around and show him stuff. And see people I adore. It's tricky to scheduled that exactly.
In the meantime, I'm happy because beyond the trip is a show, a show with actual paychecks and a union theatre and a group of people who DO THIS FOR A LIVING, which is after all what I've been after for years now. I only have ten days of office work scheduled for the months of November and December. Ten days! Ha! And that's just for extra money to stash for travel or a rainy day or Christmas presents. It may seem small, but the idea of doing what you love and getting paid a living wage is fantastic. It's a miniscule living wage - I couldn't buy a house on it, for instance, but it feels like the beginning of the right sort of thing.
We went to visit friends a few weeks ago who are quite wealthy, and on the way visited friends who may not be wealthy, but are doing really well. Both sets of friends ended up making us appreciate how much we like the little life we do have, and that we don't want more unless we can earn it doing what we love. Because at least one of each pair of folks does what they love, and all the things they have or have done come directly from that.
I'm not making sense. I would not be interested in having an enormous vacation house in the country if I had to give up acting and be a money manager in order to get it. I know several people who make huge salaries but don't seem to get any enjoyment out of what they do, and that seems like a crime to me. I do most of what I'd like to do on a comparable pittance per year. (In fact, I did the math, and one friend's yearly salary would last me six years.) Money is nice, and sure, there are times it would be very handy to have more of it, and I would quite like to buy a domicile one of these days, but I feel like working in an office AT ALL is enough of a sell out - I don't want to thrown away the things I love to sweat and slave at some profession I hate, or that (worse yet) bored me.
The holy grail of acting is that it is possible (if unlikely) that someday I could make a chunk of money at it. So as long as I'm sweating and slaving, I perfer it's in the service of a profession I not only enjoy, but feel passionate about. The passion and pleasure get me through the inevitable rough times. (I don't care what you do, sometimes it's rough.)
I just realized how hungry I am. Part Two will follow after lunch, I think.
In the meantime, I'm happy because beyond the trip is a show, a show with actual paychecks and a union theatre and a group of people who DO THIS FOR A LIVING, which is after all what I've been after for years now. I only have ten days of office work scheduled for the months of November and December. Ten days! Ha! And that's just for extra money to stash for travel or a rainy day or Christmas presents. It may seem small, but the idea of doing what you love and getting paid a living wage is fantastic. It's a miniscule living wage - I couldn't buy a house on it, for instance, but it feels like the beginning of the right sort of thing.
We went to visit friends a few weeks ago who are quite wealthy, and on the way visited friends who may not be wealthy, but are doing really well. Both sets of friends ended up making us appreciate how much we like the little life we do have, and that we don't want more unless we can earn it doing what we love. Because at least one of each pair of folks does what they love, and all the things they have or have done come directly from that.
I'm not making sense. I would not be interested in having an enormous vacation house in the country if I had to give up acting and be a money manager in order to get it. I know several people who make huge salaries but don't seem to get any enjoyment out of what they do, and that seems like a crime to me. I do most of what I'd like to do on a comparable pittance per year. (In fact, I did the math, and one friend's yearly salary would last me six years.) Money is nice, and sure, there are times it would be very handy to have more of it, and I would quite like to buy a domicile one of these days, but I feel like working in an office AT ALL is enough of a sell out - I don't want to thrown away the things I love to sweat and slave at some profession I hate, or that (worse yet) bored me.
The holy grail of acting is that it is possible (if unlikely) that someday I could make a chunk of money at it. So as long as I'm sweating and slaving, I perfer it's in the service of a profession I not only enjoy, but feel passionate about. The passion and pleasure get me through the inevitable rough times. (I don't care what you do, sometimes it's rough.)
I just realized how hungry I am. Part Two will follow after lunch, I think.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Adventure
Me: "You know the internet joint account we set up, the one we called 'Wedding Expenses'"?
Husband: "Sure, why?"
Me: "Well, we don't have any wedding expenses anymore, so I renamed it today."
Husband: (after a slightly skeptical look): "Whatdja call it?"
Me: "Funtime Spending. It seemed much more...festive."
Husband: (admiringly) "You're right. That's much better. Funtime Spending. I might have to go buy something right away..."
It's time for an adventure, and we're actually going to have one. I'm not sure how it will turn out, as we're poor and money is a big issue for the moment, but someone else bought our tickets as a wedding present so we're going. To England. In about a month.
I don't even know where to start. Hubby's been (and I've lived there), so we don't have to do "Famous Britain", but there are so many places I'd like to show him and so many people I hope he can meet. I also wish we could spend weeks and weeks just wandering. Actually, I really do wish we could cycle across Europe. Is that unrealistic? Can it be done? What with our complete lack of any language besides English and lack of dough?
It's tricky. I'd like to live a little riskier but I no longer seem to make choices that lead me that direction. It's the reverse of a realization I had in my twenties. Back then, I was sitting on a train platform waiting, looking at the rafters and thinking how much I hate change, when it occurred to me how much change I had brought upon myself. I had intentionally sought out each and every change. "Bloody hell," I thought, "I must like change, really." And it seemed I did.
Now I suddenly realize I have stayed in the same place for nearly 7 years, making fairly safe choices. I have an IRA, for goodness sake, I pay for my own health insurance. I feel a little wrong-footed. I still like change - it's one of the best parts of being an actor, that each project is different. But I've cut myself off from some of the adventure. Maybe that's wise, maybe I'm being clever and grown up. I mean, if someone ran into me tomorrow while I was riding my bike to work, my insurance would be there for the big medical bills.
And I suppose getting married is a big change. I know it is for me.
So how do I keep the IRA and the health insurance and get back to risk? How do I stay on track to save money for a house and still backpack across Europe? Have I just plain run out of time for any more foolishness?
Food for thought.
Husband: "Sure, why?"
Me: "Well, we don't have any wedding expenses anymore, so I renamed it today."
Husband: (after a slightly skeptical look): "Whatdja call it?"
Me: "Funtime Spending. It seemed much more...festive."
Husband: (admiringly) "You're right. That's much better. Funtime Spending. I might have to go buy something right away..."
It's time for an adventure, and we're actually going to have one. I'm not sure how it will turn out, as we're poor and money is a big issue for the moment, but someone else bought our tickets as a wedding present so we're going. To England. In about a month.
I don't even know where to start. Hubby's been (and I've lived there), so we don't have to do "Famous Britain", but there are so many places I'd like to show him and so many people I hope he can meet. I also wish we could spend weeks and weeks just wandering. Actually, I really do wish we could cycle across Europe. Is that unrealistic? Can it be done? What with our complete lack of any language besides English and lack of dough?
It's tricky. I'd like to live a little riskier but I no longer seem to make choices that lead me that direction. It's the reverse of a realization I had in my twenties. Back then, I was sitting on a train platform waiting, looking at the rafters and thinking how much I hate change, when it occurred to me how much change I had brought upon myself. I had intentionally sought out each and every change. "Bloody hell," I thought, "I must like change, really." And it seemed I did.
Now I suddenly realize I have stayed in the same place for nearly 7 years, making fairly safe choices. I have an IRA, for goodness sake, I pay for my own health insurance. I feel a little wrong-footed. I still like change - it's one of the best parts of being an actor, that each project is different. But I've cut myself off from some of the adventure. Maybe that's wise, maybe I'm being clever and grown up. I mean, if someone ran into me tomorrow while I was riding my bike to work, my insurance would be there for the big medical bills.
And I suppose getting married is a big change. I know it is for me.
So how do I keep the IRA and the health insurance and get back to risk? How do I stay on track to save money for a house and still backpack across Europe? Have I just plain run out of time for any more foolishness?
Food for thought.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Not Bad At All
I'm busy being an ordinary person, and it's ok. I don't love it -I miss working on a show, and I'd always rather be doing an acting gig than working in an office, but for now, it's fine. My one and only favorite lawyer came into the office today and I remembered what it's like to work for people you can actually like and respect. While yes, that means I normally don't work for people I can like and respect, it makes a nice change for today.
Further, since Michigan I am not as irritated. The lawyers are just as irritating, but for the moment I can handle it. I punch in, do my 9 to 5, go home, and wait for the paycheck.
It's a lot easier to do this because I know it is finite. In October I go into rehearsals for a big musical downtown. If I wanted to, I could probably live entirely off my paycheck and spend about two and a half months away from this law firm. I may try working two days a week instead, as then I can try to really get ahead in terms of rent and money and IRA and such. But even the idea of limiting this to two days a week while I spend the rest of my time doing 8 shows a week sounds grand.
So in the meantime I'm taking what they're givin' 'cause I'm working for a living. I'm a little embarrassed to be so practical, but at least my job-I-hate allows me to do the things I love.
In the meantime, the sweetie and I will be going to London in a few months. It feels very strange - London is a place I'd like to go back to live in someday, but right now all I can see is how much I've built this world in Chicago. I jumped around a lot in my twenties, and settling down felt like selling out. Now, however, I can see the advantage to staying put and grinding out what I'm trying to get.
More and more, I see the things I've done that succeeded have always been within my power but I didn't know how to access them before - like playing a video game where you have to know how to unlock secret aids - the aids are always there, but it takes some trial and error to unlock them. So for now, I have to keep playing this game over and over until I master it.
Sadly, I am slow to master it. But I creep forward, bit by bit. This month, I think I can be content with the progress and enjoy the fact that I get a new experience out of it starting in October.
And then, underneath it all, there's a lot more ambition. I want a lot more than this. I'm trying to enjoy what I do have while I get there.
I will get there, won't I?
Further, since Michigan I am not as irritated. The lawyers are just as irritating, but for the moment I can handle it. I punch in, do my 9 to 5, go home, and wait for the paycheck.
It's a lot easier to do this because I know it is finite. In October I go into rehearsals for a big musical downtown. If I wanted to, I could probably live entirely off my paycheck and spend about two and a half months away from this law firm. I may try working two days a week instead, as then I can try to really get ahead in terms of rent and money and IRA and such. But even the idea of limiting this to two days a week while I spend the rest of my time doing 8 shows a week sounds grand.
So in the meantime I'm taking what they're givin' 'cause I'm working for a living. I'm a little embarrassed to be so practical, but at least my job-I-hate allows me to do the things I love.
In the meantime, the sweetie and I will be going to London in a few months. It feels very strange - London is a place I'd like to go back to live in someday, but right now all I can see is how much I've built this world in Chicago. I jumped around a lot in my twenties, and settling down felt like selling out. Now, however, I can see the advantage to staying put and grinding out what I'm trying to get.
More and more, I see the things I've done that succeeded have always been within my power but I didn't know how to access them before - like playing a video game where you have to know how to unlock secret aids - the aids are always there, but it takes some trial and error to unlock them. So for now, I have to keep playing this game over and over until I master it.
Sadly, I am slow to master it. But I creep forward, bit by bit. This month, I think I can be content with the progress and enjoy the fact that I get a new experience out of it starting in October.
And then, underneath it all, there's a lot more ambition. I want a lot more than this. I'm trying to enjoy what I do have while I get there.
I will get there, won't I?
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Michigan and such
So, two weeks in Michigan doing Shakespeare outdoors - fantastic. I had one rough patch right in the middle where I got grumpy and pissy, but otherwise I had a beautiful time. I couldn't do this job all the time, because that part of Michigan is just vacation land, and this led to me eating way too much pie and other bad-for-me things. But aside from the unfortunate weight gain, it was the best acting job ever.
The theatre is a bandshell outdoors and the audience sits on a hillside and watches the show - gorgeous. Amazing to watch the sun go down over that hill. The audiences were lovely - so appreciative and so friendly. I couldn't help wishing I could be in the plays more so that I could entertain everyone more!
It was a very motley crew we took up, and I had (have) mixed feelings...not so much bad and good feelings, but affection mixed with utter caution. Some of these people are involved in dramas I want no part of. Some of them are involved in substances that increase the drama. I found myself wishing for a real grownup along - just one, because of course if everyone is a grownup the parties are no fun. But one real grownup would have waded in and settled some things definitively.
I'm being vague on purpose - I like (in many cases adore) these people, so I would hate to imagine one of them coming across this and getting the wrong idea.
Two weeks in Michigan made me realize again I'm not very good in group dynamics - I have less than a perfect track record in groups or with group mentalities. Fortunately, I was in this case able to just go along with the flow. I have had groups that I felt totally comfortable with and could completely be myself - maybe next year with these folks. Not that they aren't great, I just do better the second time around with these things.
Here's an example of my grumpy period. A woman came up from Chicago to visit, call her Sadie. For about four days, all I heard all day long was how fantastic she was. "Oh, Sadie's awesome, she's the best ever at everything and everyone likes her. She has no faults, she's both powerful and kind, and every one that meets her wants to fall down at her feet and worship her."
Maybe not those exact words, but that was the general sense. I was, of course, perversely irritated and had every intention of despising this angel.
Joke's on me - she really WAS a magnificent creature, with fascinating background and care for those around her. And I was delighted to meet her, and after that I kind of had to get over myself for a while.
Other than a few episodes of true jealousy, I really had a great time. Lots of water sports, we were staying on a lake and got to hang out on the dock during our copious free time. Most of what craziness there was didn't ruin anything for me. And I was exceptionally happy when my husband finally arrived...it was glorious to go exploring the terrain with him.
I gathered enough bliss from two weeks in Michigan to keep me calm during a weekend with my mother out in San Diego. We went out for my college roommate's wedding, which was absolutely lovely. For me it was a great combination of realizing how glad I was I got married and all the good things I can remember from the wedding (the unpleasantness is fading), and then on the other hand being jealous in moments that my roomie had managed to do x, y, or z that I didn't get around to during or for my wedding. It was a great time, though, and I think my mother was on her best behavior - not a single word about what I should or shouldn't wear, plunging necklines and all. Not a whipser of my needing to lose five pounds. (It's always five, even when it was more like 15-20 I needed to lose.)
My husband had hoped that I would get something along the lines of: "I'm so glad we did it our way at YOUR wedding," from my mother. But I predicted correctly that mom would have a great time and would have found such comments rude. However, I'm happy to note that she didn't stoop to "I wish you'd done it THIS way," which was a relief. I am trying to come to terms with never having my mother's approval, and it's a lot easier when I'm not getting blatant DISapproval.
We managed to stay cordial and Mom really had a great time - she had wanted to be there very badly, and I am glad I could assist. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and only wished I could have been more help to my roommate. All the details were done weeks or months ago, and the whole event was very well-planned. I just wish I could have made some part of the festivities easier or more fun for her.
Nonetheless, I am very happy I got to be a part of everything, and it was a lovely wedding.
Wow - nearly three weeks I enjoyed entirely! Yay!
The theatre is a bandshell outdoors and the audience sits on a hillside and watches the show - gorgeous. Amazing to watch the sun go down over that hill. The audiences were lovely - so appreciative and so friendly. I couldn't help wishing I could be in the plays more so that I could entertain everyone more!
It was a very motley crew we took up, and I had (have) mixed feelings...not so much bad and good feelings, but affection mixed with utter caution. Some of these people are involved in dramas I want no part of. Some of them are involved in substances that increase the drama. I found myself wishing for a real grownup along - just one, because of course if everyone is a grownup the parties are no fun. But one real grownup would have waded in and settled some things definitively.
I'm being vague on purpose - I like (in many cases adore) these people, so I would hate to imagine one of them coming across this and getting the wrong idea.
Two weeks in Michigan made me realize again I'm not very good in group dynamics - I have less than a perfect track record in groups or with group mentalities. Fortunately, I was in this case able to just go along with the flow. I have had groups that I felt totally comfortable with and could completely be myself - maybe next year with these folks. Not that they aren't great, I just do better the second time around with these things.
Here's an example of my grumpy period. A woman came up from Chicago to visit, call her Sadie. For about four days, all I heard all day long was how fantastic she was. "Oh, Sadie's awesome, she's the best ever at everything and everyone likes her. She has no faults, she's both powerful and kind, and every one that meets her wants to fall down at her feet and worship her."
Maybe not those exact words, but that was the general sense. I was, of course, perversely irritated and had every intention of despising this angel.
Joke's on me - she really WAS a magnificent creature, with fascinating background and care for those around her. And I was delighted to meet her, and after that I kind of had to get over myself for a while.
Other than a few episodes of true jealousy, I really had a great time. Lots of water sports, we were staying on a lake and got to hang out on the dock during our copious free time. Most of what craziness there was didn't ruin anything for me. And I was exceptionally happy when my husband finally arrived...it was glorious to go exploring the terrain with him.
I gathered enough bliss from two weeks in Michigan to keep me calm during a weekend with my mother out in San Diego. We went out for my college roommate's wedding, which was absolutely lovely. For me it was a great combination of realizing how glad I was I got married and all the good things I can remember from the wedding (the unpleasantness is fading), and then on the other hand being jealous in moments that my roomie had managed to do x, y, or z that I didn't get around to during or for my wedding. It was a great time, though, and I think my mother was on her best behavior - not a single word about what I should or shouldn't wear, plunging necklines and all. Not a whipser of my needing to lose five pounds. (It's always five, even when it was more like 15-20 I needed to lose.)
My husband had hoped that I would get something along the lines of: "I'm so glad we did it our way at YOUR wedding," from my mother. But I predicted correctly that mom would have a great time and would have found such comments rude. However, I'm happy to note that she didn't stoop to "I wish you'd done it THIS way," which was a relief. I am trying to come to terms with never having my mother's approval, and it's a lot easier when I'm not getting blatant DISapproval.
We managed to stay cordial and Mom really had a great time - she had wanted to be there very badly, and I am glad I could assist. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and only wished I could have been more help to my roommate. All the details were done weeks or months ago, and the whole event was very well-planned. I just wish I could have made some part of the festivities easier or more fun for her.
Nonetheless, I am very happy I got to be a part of everything, and it was a lovely wedding.
Wow - nearly three weeks I enjoyed entirely! Yay!
Monday, July 07, 2008
Ugh
I nearly got past this total ugh I'm feeling right now. I went to a lunchtime concert at Millenium Park and for about five minutes there, I was really loving being able to rock out with Le Loup for my lunch.
And then I had to go back to work, where I have no motivation.
No one should have to work in the summer. And yet most of us do.
And then I had to go back to work, where I have no motivation.
No one should have to work in the summer. And yet most of us do.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Oh.
While it's true that I eat a lot of very healthy, tasty vegetables and fruits, I have realized I supplement this with an enormous amount of sugar. I love me some cookies, cupcakes, sweet stuff in any form. Ironically, the very evening I was congratulating myself on such healthy evening, someone brought oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to rehearsal.
That were still warm.
I probably ate 9 or 10.
So, perhaps instead of being astonished that I can't lose the last 10 pounds, I should be thrilled that I don't weigh and extra 40. Eh?
That were still warm.
I probably ate 9 or 10.
So, perhaps instead of being astonished that I can't lose the last 10 pounds, I should be thrilled that I don't weigh and extra 40. Eh?
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Blueberry Pie
I had a fantastic evening yesterday - ran three miles on the lakefront, made a blueberry pie, tired to finish learning my lines (we're off book for two shows as of today). The pie....hmmm. While it is quite tasty, and a valiant effort, I am perfectly aware that I'm making blueberry pie to remind me of my grandma. Since I don't have access to huckleberries (wild blueberries) and don't have her recipe, I'm unlikely to hit the same taste. At least not on the first try.
But it is still very summery and kick-ass to make a pie with fresh blueberries.
However, this brings up a depressing thought. I've been trying to lose about ten pounds for a while now (three years?) - sometimes I get close, and then a special occasion comes around or free food is offered to me or my husband makes something truly amazing. Or, of course, I make myself a pie. (Or a coconut cake - see 2007.)
It's tricky - I eat pretty well, lots of salads, lots of vegetables and fruits, and when I'm not rehearsing 24/7, I exercise regularly. And yet my two modes of food are: eat whatever takes my fancy, or diet. Usually when I "diet", it's just a means of restricting myself. If I allow myself to eat cookies, I'm not capable of eating just one cookie. So unless I'm in diet mode, my food whims probably outweight my ideal caloric intake.
So here's the depressing thought. In order to truly lose the last ten pounds for all time, I basically always need to eat as if I'm on a diet. Forever. Because I'm cycling through eating too much and eating healthy, and the math never works out. I can't make up for huge overloads of calories by cutting down for a couple of weeks, only to load up again.
So technically, I should NEVER make a blueberry pie. Or eat a cheeseburger. Or have fries. Or bake chocolate chip cookies.
Or maybe, say, once a year I could eat those things. One each quarter.
If you look at what the food pyramid tells you, it's really all fruits, veggies, lean protein meats and whole wheat. There's not a lot of room for snack food or sweets or any of the really tasty stuff lots of us actually eat.
Ok, I might be exaggerating a bit. I just went and played around with the MyPyramid.gov menu planner, which is pretty cool. My diet plan is a very high-protein diet that I follow on advice from a personal trainer when I'm trying to lose weight. According to the MyPyramid site, I'm doing a great job eating fruits, vegetables and protein but I need more grains. Interesting. I'm going back to full-carb tortillas - the low carb ones just taste like cardboard.
So if my "diet" mode is well within guidelinesand should be losing me weight, that means that when I let myself go off the rails, I must eat a ton of junk.
Tricky...'cause you know I really like me a good cheeseburger.
But it is still very summery and kick-ass to make a pie with fresh blueberries.
However, this brings up a depressing thought. I've been trying to lose about ten pounds for a while now (three years?) - sometimes I get close, and then a special occasion comes around or free food is offered to me or my husband makes something truly amazing. Or, of course, I make myself a pie. (Or a coconut cake - see 2007.)
It's tricky - I eat pretty well, lots of salads, lots of vegetables and fruits, and when I'm not rehearsing 24/7, I exercise regularly. And yet my two modes of food are: eat whatever takes my fancy, or diet. Usually when I "diet", it's just a means of restricting myself. If I allow myself to eat cookies, I'm not capable of eating just one cookie. So unless I'm in diet mode, my food whims probably outweight my ideal caloric intake.
So here's the depressing thought. In order to truly lose the last ten pounds for all time, I basically always need to eat as if I'm on a diet. Forever. Because I'm cycling through eating too much and eating healthy, and the math never works out. I can't make up for huge overloads of calories by cutting down for a couple of weeks, only to load up again.
So technically, I should NEVER make a blueberry pie. Or eat a cheeseburger. Or have fries. Or bake chocolate chip cookies.
Or maybe, say, once a year I could eat those things. One each quarter.
If you look at what the food pyramid tells you, it's really all fruits, veggies, lean protein meats and whole wheat. There's not a lot of room for snack food or sweets or any of the really tasty stuff lots of us actually eat.
Ok, I might be exaggerating a bit. I just went and played around with the MyPyramid.gov menu planner, which is pretty cool. My diet plan is a very high-protein diet that I follow on advice from a personal trainer when I'm trying to lose weight. According to the MyPyramid site, I'm doing a great job eating fruits, vegetables and protein but I need more grains. Interesting. I'm going back to full-carb tortillas - the low carb ones just taste like cardboard.
So if my "diet" mode is well within guidelinesand should be losing me weight, that means that when I let myself go off the rails, I must eat a ton of junk.
Tricky...'cause you know I really like me a good cheeseburger.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Picnics are Nice
A wise person added a comment to my last post. I think it entirely meritorious, however, I think there are some larger issues at work in my case. Many of which I admit I don't understand, but I think my mother and I have already been through that phase where I realized she wasn't perfect and began to understand her as an adult and appreciate her as an adult. Whether she has ever figured out I'm an adult as well is a matter of debate in our family, and has been remarked upon by others.
I think between my mother and I there are some much, much larger disappointments going on. And fortunately for all of you, I'm not entirely free to discuss them in what is basically public.
Also, I am pretty much hardwired to assume everything is my fault. It's not always blame, per se, but it is always responsibility. I am responsible for all things that happen. It actually represents a step forward for me to say the following: I am entirely responsible for how I react to my mother, but I hereby cannot be responsible for how my mother reacts to life, or how she treats me.
So the post instantly made me regress to feeling as if all the anger, disappointment and conflict I'm having with my mother stems from my inability to appreciate her, to treat her as herself instead of what I want her to be.
I repudiate this suggestion.
On to something else:
Yesterday, my husband took me on a picnic. We went out by the lakefront and ate lots of yummy things and waved the gnats away and generally had a very fun time. And my wise husband said, "I bet we know lots of people who would never believe that we live in a city and just had that experience. Yes, we sat outside in nature where we couldn't hear cars and had a wonderful picnic and no one talked to us and we were perfectly safe. And we know lots of people who would never believe you could experience that in a city."
Interesting. We were safe, by the way, due to four incredibly savvy police on bikes. I prefer mounted policemen, myself, but I do like to see the cops on bikes.
Along the same lines, I had trouble convincing the woman cutting my hair on Monday that biking to work would be a safe and easy alternative to driving her SUV down to work every day and having to park it. A lone woman who doesn't have to haul anything at all drives an SUV to work every day. She also clearly didn't believe that biking would be faster than driving, which it could easily be, depending on exactly where she lives. My commute in the mornings is 15 minutes longer if I take the TRAIN, and the train doesn't have to deal with traffic. The bus probably takes an extra hour.
I sort of hate when it rains for that reason - I'm always late to work.
I think between my mother and I there are some much, much larger disappointments going on. And fortunately for all of you, I'm not entirely free to discuss them in what is basically public.
Also, I am pretty much hardwired to assume everything is my fault. It's not always blame, per se, but it is always responsibility. I am responsible for all things that happen. It actually represents a step forward for me to say the following: I am entirely responsible for how I react to my mother, but I hereby cannot be responsible for how my mother reacts to life, or how she treats me.
So the post instantly made me regress to feeling as if all the anger, disappointment and conflict I'm having with my mother stems from my inability to appreciate her, to treat her as herself instead of what I want her to be.
I repudiate this suggestion.
On to something else:
Yesterday, my husband took me on a picnic. We went out by the lakefront and ate lots of yummy things and waved the gnats away and generally had a very fun time. And my wise husband said, "I bet we know lots of people who would never believe that we live in a city and just had that experience. Yes, we sat outside in nature where we couldn't hear cars and had a wonderful picnic and no one talked to us and we were perfectly safe. And we know lots of people who would never believe you could experience that in a city."
Interesting. We were safe, by the way, due to four incredibly savvy police on bikes. I prefer mounted policemen, myself, but I do like to see the cops on bikes.
Along the same lines, I had trouble convincing the woman cutting my hair on Monday that biking to work would be a safe and easy alternative to driving her SUV down to work every day and having to park it. A lone woman who doesn't have to haul anything at all drives an SUV to work every day. She also clearly didn't believe that biking would be faster than driving, which it could easily be, depending on exactly where she lives. My commute in the mornings is 15 minutes longer if I take the TRAIN, and the train doesn't have to deal with traffic. The bus probably takes an extra hour.
I sort of hate when it rains for that reason - I'm always late to work.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Inexplicable
I'm sad and I don't know why. It's a general sort of malaise, a nearness to tears. I'm missing my grandma, but I don't think that's entirely it. I'm hating my day job, but that's a constant. I'm frightened of impending failure, but that should inspire fear, not sadness.
My grandma. More and more I'm feeling I didn't really know who she was, but still missing spending time with her. She was a given, my grandma, and you take family for granted. You forget to ask the right questions to find out how this person ticks and what they love. Then you get old enough to wonder what's important to them and sometimes by then the person is lost in a fog of regret or dementia or self-centeredness or forgetfulness.
I loved going to see my grandma when I finally got old enough to do so by myself. What I loved is that I could make her happy. I'd drive over and take her to lunch and we'd talk and maybe I'd take her shopping or to visit someone. I wrote about our outings when she died in November and I don't want to repeat myself, but I've been thinking of those moments more and more.
Maybe I'm missing her because I loved her and knew she loved me and it wasn't complicated. As much as I say, oh, what a shame I didn't know her whole story, there's something wonderful about love without strings and without details. We enjoyed being together, and so we'd be together. Even towards the end, I saw her the Christmas before she died and as sad and frail as she was, she clearly perked up when I came in the room. The nurse even said, you must be one of her favorites. She's always been one of mine, I answered. I probably have written about that before, but it's that experience I miss - knowing that when you walk in a room, someone will perk up because your presence makes them happy.
I miss that, because every time I go home, I seem to make my mother unhappy. My relationship with her is more and more complicated, to the point that even when I do manage to enjoy her, she won't believe I enjoy her. She gets started on these long monologues sometimes on the phone, and I really love them. I love that she gets to talk about what's bothering her, because I can listen and that listening is one of the few things I can give her. And I love listening, because she's thoughful and personable and sometimes hysterical. But I can no longer convince her I enjoy listening. When I claim I do, she tells me I'm "laying it on too thick."
Also, I can't think of a single life choice I've made she actually approves. I don't make these choices for her, which is why I so often choose things she dislikes. It gets tiring, though, battling the distaste and disapproval. I'm frightened of her, of what she might say next. Because she's my mother, and I wish I could make her happy, but I can't.
Everything I need to do for myself seems to make her angry or disappointed. And she's the master at the pointed barb or, as my dad calls them, guilt arrows. A classic during my recent trip: "I know you don't like to spend time with me, but I don't suppose there's any way you can drive me to Sumter on your way to the airport?" There is no right answer. Even if you agree, it's not the right answer. Trust me, I tried.
I royally pissed her off with something that was ironically designed as a gift to her: cake. I ordered this huge birthday cake for all the different birthdays we were celebrating, and it turned out she had planned to make all these other birthday cakes, so she was mad that I interrupted her plan. (Of course, there is also the implied assertion that homemade, personalized cake is so much more valuable than anything storebought.) She did not, by the way, need to spend our entire vacation making cake, so I actually thought I'd be helping, but there is no helping my mother.
That's the killer: there is no help, no right answer, no way out of this maze of disapproval and anger. And I am disappointed in her. I am disappointed that she was so set on getting her way about the wedding and about everything subsequent to it that she was in no way emotionally there for me. Getting her way is becoming increasingly more important than any relationship we have. And I don't know how to get over that.
This may or may not be what is causing my blues, but it's clearly a factor.
Well. Have a good day, I guess. Go out and be brilliant and wonderful and hug the person who loves you absolutely.
And no, in case you're thinking it, my mother is not someone you can confront. You don't win, you only hurt and that hurt is never, never forgotten, even if the reason is eventually forgotten.
My grandma. More and more I'm feeling I didn't really know who she was, but still missing spending time with her. She was a given, my grandma, and you take family for granted. You forget to ask the right questions to find out how this person ticks and what they love. Then you get old enough to wonder what's important to them and sometimes by then the person is lost in a fog of regret or dementia or self-centeredness or forgetfulness.
I loved going to see my grandma when I finally got old enough to do so by myself. What I loved is that I could make her happy. I'd drive over and take her to lunch and we'd talk and maybe I'd take her shopping or to visit someone. I wrote about our outings when she died in November and I don't want to repeat myself, but I've been thinking of those moments more and more.
Maybe I'm missing her because I loved her and knew she loved me and it wasn't complicated. As much as I say, oh, what a shame I didn't know her whole story, there's something wonderful about love without strings and without details. We enjoyed being together, and so we'd be together. Even towards the end, I saw her the Christmas before she died and as sad and frail as she was, she clearly perked up when I came in the room. The nurse even said, you must be one of her favorites. She's always been one of mine, I answered. I probably have written about that before, but it's that experience I miss - knowing that when you walk in a room, someone will perk up because your presence makes them happy.
I miss that, because every time I go home, I seem to make my mother unhappy. My relationship with her is more and more complicated, to the point that even when I do manage to enjoy her, she won't believe I enjoy her. She gets started on these long monologues sometimes on the phone, and I really love them. I love that she gets to talk about what's bothering her, because I can listen and that listening is one of the few things I can give her. And I love listening, because she's thoughful and personable and sometimes hysterical. But I can no longer convince her I enjoy listening. When I claim I do, she tells me I'm "laying it on too thick."
Also, I can't think of a single life choice I've made she actually approves. I don't make these choices for her, which is why I so often choose things she dislikes. It gets tiring, though, battling the distaste and disapproval. I'm frightened of her, of what she might say next. Because she's my mother, and I wish I could make her happy, but I can't.
Everything I need to do for myself seems to make her angry or disappointed. And she's the master at the pointed barb or, as my dad calls them, guilt arrows. A classic during my recent trip: "I know you don't like to spend time with me, but I don't suppose there's any way you can drive me to Sumter on your way to the airport?" There is no right answer. Even if you agree, it's not the right answer. Trust me, I tried.
I royally pissed her off with something that was ironically designed as a gift to her: cake. I ordered this huge birthday cake for all the different birthdays we were celebrating, and it turned out she had planned to make all these other birthday cakes, so she was mad that I interrupted her plan. (Of course, there is also the implied assertion that homemade, personalized cake is so much more valuable than anything storebought.) She did not, by the way, need to spend our entire vacation making cake, so I actually thought I'd be helping, but there is no helping my mother.
That's the killer: there is no help, no right answer, no way out of this maze of disapproval and anger. And I am disappointed in her. I am disappointed that she was so set on getting her way about the wedding and about everything subsequent to it that she was in no way emotionally there for me. Getting her way is becoming increasingly more important than any relationship we have. And I don't know how to get over that.
This may or may not be what is causing my blues, but it's clearly a factor.
Well. Have a good day, I guess. Go out and be brilliant and wonderful and hug the person who loves you absolutely.
And no, in case you're thinking it, my mother is not someone you can confront. You don't win, you only hurt and that hurt is never, never forgotten, even if the reason is eventually forgotten.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Progress
I updated my resume on breakdown express today, and it made me feel hopeful. Well, it helps that I booked a nice voiceover gig last minute this week that I basically did on my lunch break from the office job. Naturally, I'd rather give up the office job entirely, and in general would prefer to skip it in favor of any kind of acting job, but it's still nice to make an extra $700 during lunch.
But back to the resume. Normally, I feel having an acting career that pays drags on as a nearly endless battle in this city. However, this week when I added a bunch of credits to my resume, I thought, well, looky there, I'm working. Not, perhaps, as much as I want, or on the level I want, but working. This week I had enough happening that I could:
1) Create a whole new "film" section. I have previously done some tiny bits and pieces on-camera, but until I shot a commercial as a principal in early May and shot this student film last weekend, I didn't feel like I had enough to make it a category. Now the "FILM" category looks quite respectable, if short. It's nice to have some progress in that area, even if it's small.
2) Take some old things off. I saw a resume of a friend recently and she has every single one of the roles she played in school, even ones where I know she just did a scene, not the whole work. I was looking at everything she's been up to since school, and feeling a tad jealous when I realized that if she was up to a lot, those credits would have been dropped by now. I've actually dropped all but one of mine, because I have been in lots of shows in this town, and the names of those companies are more meaningful than a list of Restoration plays that no one in Chicago would ever do. Actualy, I had to drop older in-town stuff because I have stronger credits with bigger theatres. And I'm FINALLY doing some Shakespeare this summer, which feels great for lots of reasons.
It's funny - you can always want more, and why not? That's what drives us forward as human beings. And I definitely want more work that doesn't involve an office. But for just a moment, I can look backwards and ignore how quickly other people are progressing and say, you know, I'm moving forward and enjoying the journey.
For instance, I can't tell you how excited I am to work on the Shakespeare plays. The company is a cool crowd - I think everyone is in their 30's, mostly, and everyone is pretty chilled out and happy to be working together. Most of them/us knew each other before we got cast. Now we get to play for six weeks learning 2 shows, and then we go to Michigan and perform them. It's like a paid 2-week vacation. It is AWESOME. One show a night for two weeks? Sweet! So that will be a blast.
It was also a great time to record the voiceover this morning. Ridiculous text all in a sexy growl - completely over the top and hysterical. The studio consented to send me a clip for my husband...I'll see if this program lets me add it.
Apparently not. If it was a video, sure, but it's audio.
But back to the resume. Normally, I feel having an acting career that pays drags on as a nearly endless battle in this city. However, this week when I added a bunch of credits to my resume, I thought, well, looky there, I'm working. Not, perhaps, as much as I want, or on the level I want, but working. This week I had enough happening that I could:
1) Create a whole new "film" section. I have previously done some tiny bits and pieces on-camera, but until I shot a commercial as a principal in early May and shot this student film last weekend, I didn't feel like I had enough to make it a category. Now the "FILM" category looks quite respectable, if short. It's nice to have some progress in that area, even if it's small.
2) Take some old things off. I saw a resume of a friend recently and she has every single one of the roles she played in school, even ones where I know she just did a scene, not the whole work. I was looking at everything she's been up to since school, and feeling a tad jealous when I realized that if she was up to a lot, those credits would have been dropped by now. I've actually dropped all but one of mine, because I have been in lots of shows in this town, and the names of those companies are more meaningful than a list of Restoration plays that no one in Chicago would ever do. Actualy, I had to drop older in-town stuff because I have stronger credits with bigger theatres. And I'm FINALLY doing some Shakespeare this summer, which feels great for lots of reasons.
It's funny - you can always want more, and why not? That's what drives us forward as human beings. And I definitely want more work that doesn't involve an office. But for just a moment, I can look backwards and ignore how quickly other people are progressing and say, you know, I'm moving forward and enjoying the journey.
For instance, I can't tell you how excited I am to work on the Shakespeare plays. The company is a cool crowd - I think everyone is in their 30's, mostly, and everyone is pretty chilled out and happy to be working together. Most of them/us knew each other before we got cast. Now we get to play for six weeks learning 2 shows, and then we go to Michigan and perform them. It's like a paid 2-week vacation. It is AWESOME. One show a night for two weeks? Sweet! So that will be a blast.
It was also a great time to record the voiceover this morning. Ridiculous text all in a sexy growl - completely over the top and hysterical. The studio consented to send me a clip for my husband...I'll see if this program lets me add it.
Apparently not. If it was a video, sure, but it's audio.
So, overall, if I'm not exactly as far as I'd like to be, at least I'm having fun, right? And where I want to be is in sight, sort of. I'm auditioning for companies I'd like to work for, at least.
In an effort towards full disclosure I should explain the following:
1) It's pay day.
2) I'm leaving tomorrow for a week at the beach in SC. Ahhhh.
3) I know when I get to SC there will be a glorious and wonderful cake waiting. I know because I ordered it.
I should not be so obsessed about cake. I know, I know. But I can't help it. I'm not sure why.
There, that's enough information to be getting on with. Anyone out there?? Hallooo??
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Interesting
I filmed my first regional commercial two days ago, in the wilds of Indiana. Great time, nice people, a very lucky and good experience. Everyone was cordial - cast, crew, the people who owned the houses that served as locations.
The most fascinating part was to see people who DON'T normally interact with the industry of acting for commercials, and to watch those people get excited. I'm not immune to it - there's something kind of thrilling about knowing that I will actually be on tv in the next couple of months. Ok, in Indiana, but everybody starts somewhere.
But the folks who owned these houses were so excited. And want to know about you, in that they hope when you make it big, they can remember you were at their house.
In the meantime, of course, the crew has heard it alllll before, and could care less. It's a 30 second spot - everyone is professional, but the people who nit-pick over the details are the client (fair enough) and whoever the client hired to write and design the spot.
Now, the interesting thing is Indiana isn't a huge market, so the crew and even most of the actors have worked together before. This is business - we're all trained monkeys who move when our button is pushed because that's how we get food. And the "real" people are astonished we're nice. Of course we're nice - this is tedious work, not great art.
The girl who plays my daughter is beyond excited. I can tell because she says almost nothing, eats only fruit from the craft services table, and her eyes are as big as dinner plates. She's adorable, and she's working very hard to do everything she's told.
The guy who plays my husband shows up with his bluetooth in his ear and his sunglasses on and I think, oh, no, I wouldn't be married to that. But of course when he pulls the bluetooth out and gets into wardrobe, he turns out to be a person whose story I wish I could hear in full. Five years in LA, then gave it up to come back to Indy and be near he daughter he fathered in college and ran out on. He says, "Yeah, I'm that guy, that got a girl pregnant and then split." Now he's back and still does commercials, and misses LA but feels it sure is nice owning a house. He sells dental implants. No, seriously.
It was a great time. I'd make money like that any day. Although the snacks will kill me. I can't stop eating them.
The most fascinating part was to see people who DON'T normally interact with the industry of acting for commercials, and to watch those people get excited. I'm not immune to it - there's something kind of thrilling about knowing that I will actually be on tv in the next couple of months. Ok, in Indiana, but everybody starts somewhere.
But the folks who owned these houses were so excited. And want to know about you, in that they hope when you make it big, they can remember you were at their house.
In the meantime, of course, the crew has heard it alllll before, and could care less. It's a 30 second spot - everyone is professional, but the people who nit-pick over the details are the client (fair enough) and whoever the client hired to write and design the spot.
Now, the interesting thing is Indiana isn't a huge market, so the crew and even most of the actors have worked together before. This is business - we're all trained monkeys who move when our button is pushed because that's how we get food. And the "real" people are astonished we're nice. Of course we're nice - this is tedious work, not great art.
The girl who plays my daughter is beyond excited. I can tell because she says almost nothing, eats only fruit from the craft services table, and her eyes are as big as dinner plates. She's adorable, and she's working very hard to do everything she's told.
The guy who plays my husband shows up with his bluetooth in his ear and his sunglasses on and I think, oh, no, I wouldn't be married to that. But of course when he pulls the bluetooth out and gets into wardrobe, he turns out to be a person whose story I wish I could hear in full. Five years in LA, then gave it up to come back to Indy and be near he daughter he fathered in college and ran out on. He says, "Yeah, I'm that guy, that got a girl pregnant and then split." Now he's back and still does commercials, and misses LA but feels it sure is nice owning a house. He sells dental implants. No, seriously.
It was a great time. I'd make money like that any day. Although the snacks will kill me. I can't stop eating them.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Day 16, No crises since Day 4
Ok, marriage is improving, and though I have moments of fright, I am settling down. Day to day life is currently back to normal, which is comforting. We have to move soon, but we've found a place that may not be available until the middle or end of May, which to me feels much more manageable than moving in about a week.
We've also found a place with a maximum of harmony between us, which comforts me a great deal. My sweetness and I are on the same page about this: basically, at this point we'll sacrifice some space and some location in order to have a place we can afford - and not just afford at the top of our range, but afford even if we have a rough month or so. We are on the path to living within our means. It'll take the next six months before I know what money patterns we're developing, but at least hurdle one is toast: we can afford it.
I did have a moment's twinge of uh-oh when I discovered my partner for life HATES moving, so much that he longs for us to buy a place and live there forever.
As a recovering wanderer, I feel differently. I'm pretty jealous of the actors I know on tour and I am shocked to discover I have lived in the same city for 7 years. I have itchy feet. Now, I'd like to take my muffin top with me while I wander, but I still have a good bit of wander left in me.
I'm feeling stirrings of ambition again, as well. I'm thrilled I was able to return to commercial work almost immediately -I'm a recurring character in a traning manual, and I just found out today that after getting booked about 6 or 8 times (keep in mind, sometimes I can make $500-$600 in a day doing this), this company has only finished Volume 1 of their training. They plan 4 Volumes. I can't tell you what a jump that would mean to both my income and my day to day life. It's MUCH more fun to go to a photo shoot or a video shoot or a VO recording than it is to go to work. I think it would be a great step forward to do so much of this print/vo work that I get bored of it.
So all of this makes me think, ok, get a cheap apartment, sock the money away, and knuckle down to audition, audition, audition.
And in the meantime try to keep my husband happy. That may prove simple, or it may prove much harder than expected.
In general, though, the threat level for my mental health is back between yellow, high risk of freak out attack, and blue, general risk of freak out attack. I'm happy to report my let down about the wedding is starting to ease, and being replaced with happy memories, partly supplied by others, and partly recalled now that the stress is over.
We might stay married a whole three weeks. I'm beating Britney...well, her first, and I'll work up to the second.
We've also found a place with a maximum of harmony between us, which comforts me a great deal. My sweetness and I are on the same page about this: basically, at this point we'll sacrifice some space and some location in order to have a place we can afford - and not just afford at the top of our range, but afford even if we have a rough month or so. We are on the path to living within our means. It'll take the next six months before I know what money patterns we're developing, but at least hurdle one is toast: we can afford it.
I did have a moment's twinge of uh-oh when I discovered my partner for life HATES moving, so much that he longs for us to buy a place and live there forever.
As a recovering wanderer, I feel differently. I'm pretty jealous of the actors I know on tour and I am shocked to discover I have lived in the same city for 7 years. I have itchy feet. Now, I'd like to take my muffin top with me while I wander, but I still have a good bit of wander left in me.
I'm feeling stirrings of ambition again, as well. I'm thrilled I was able to return to commercial work almost immediately -I'm a recurring character in a traning manual, and I just found out today that after getting booked about 6 or 8 times (keep in mind, sometimes I can make $500-$600 in a day doing this), this company has only finished Volume 1 of their training. They plan 4 Volumes. I can't tell you what a jump that would mean to both my income and my day to day life. It's MUCH more fun to go to a photo shoot or a video shoot or a VO recording than it is to go to work. I think it would be a great step forward to do so much of this print/vo work that I get bored of it.
So all of this makes me think, ok, get a cheap apartment, sock the money away, and knuckle down to audition, audition, audition.
And in the meantime try to keep my husband happy. That may prove simple, or it may prove much harder than expected.
In general, though, the threat level for my mental health is back between yellow, high risk of freak out attack, and blue, general risk of freak out attack. I'm happy to report my let down about the wedding is starting to ease, and being replaced with happy memories, partly supplied by others, and partly recalled now that the stress is over.
We might stay married a whole three weeks. I'm beating Britney...well, her first, and I'll work up to the second.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Where to start...
I had no idea I was foreshawdowing my own self, but I'm here to tell you again that getting married does not solve even one of your problems.
The wedding - I was terrified. I shouldn't admit that, but I was, as the ceremony progressed, completely terrified. I'm even now just starting to process what happened and whether or not I can handle it. Someday I will probably look back on it with laughter and pleasure, though not today.
However, the past few days have pretty much trumped all of that. I'm sure more things could have gone wrong, but quite a few actually have. I got food poisoning the first night of our honeymoon, and then my new husband came down with something flu-like, with lots of coughing, and the weather never did give us a great sunny day to just lie on the beach. It was cool and windy and cloudy.
But none of that is as bad as the fact that my sweetie's brother had a stroke the Monday after the wedding, while he and his lovely wife were in South Carolina trying to sightsee. We were "honeymooning" (such as it was with both of us ill) about five miles away, and ended up spending an extra night in the area in hopes of being helpful. I'm not sure we were helpful, but we tried to be.
I have so many conflicting feelings towards so many different people for the moment that I really could cry at any moment, and I considered calling at least some of you on Wednesday when I was sobbing in the car on the way from Charleston to Charlotte. I feel a huge sense of anti-climax that the wedding is over and that so much of it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I feel so worried for H's brother, and so sad that this should happen at such a time so the wedding will always be "when Mark had a stroke" instead of just the wedding - for them as much as for me.
I feel like I made a thousand mistakes in the run up to the wedding. I feel terrified lest this whole thing has been a horrible mistake. I feel terrified that my family will never accept my husband, since AT THE WEDDING my mother apparently lamented to a friend of mine, "But he's not a southerner..." (Even though he grew up in Pensacola...)
I feel completely overwhelmed by the number of people who were at the wedding, and horribly guilty that so many of them left without even attempting to speak to me. I feel disappointed that it was nearly impossible to take pictures at any time, since either it was raining or people were talking to us or my mother wasn't even dressed yet or there just wasn't a good place to do it. I feel disappointed that I never got a picture with all of my aunts.
I feel worried about whether or not I can even DO this whole marriage thing, and still be myself. I'm keeping my name (for now), but even that doesn't stop how frightened I feel at losing my identity into this new "us".
I feel exhausted from driving 12 hours yesterday.
I feel entirely flawed for feeling any of these things, since most brides seem to be delirious with happiness and contentment. Well, surprise surprise, I screwed that up.
I feel a whole batch of other things I don't think I should write down, because now I have another family that I might offend. What if H's family ever came across this?? Now I have two sets of muzzles...
I feel incapable of telling entertaining stories about the wedding, but everyone at work was expecting me to do so. The "surprise" congrats they threw me was exhausting, and it only lasted about 15 minutes.
Despite my deep sadness that apparently I did nothing but disappoint my mother at the wedding, I feel incredibly proud of her for driving down to Charleston yesterday to visit Mark and his wife and be a resource for them in a strange land.
I feel I failed everyone in trying to keep everyone happy. But no one would have been at all happy had I tried to make myself happy - no win no matter what.
I feel so so so disappointed that it rained.
I feel like all the bad things that keep going wrong are the universe's way of telling me: you've made a terrible mistake.
I feel like I would like to run away. I think I would like to take my honey with me, but I would like to run away.
I think I need some sleep, a cookie, and probably a couple of sessions with our therapist, but sadly (for us, not her), she's out of town this week. I feel resentful that she picked this week to be off on a holiday.
The funny thing is, I didn't see any of this coming.
So much for being a well-adjusted adult.
The wedding - I was terrified. I shouldn't admit that, but I was, as the ceremony progressed, completely terrified. I'm even now just starting to process what happened and whether or not I can handle it. Someday I will probably look back on it with laughter and pleasure, though not today.
However, the past few days have pretty much trumped all of that. I'm sure more things could have gone wrong, but quite a few actually have. I got food poisoning the first night of our honeymoon, and then my new husband came down with something flu-like, with lots of coughing, and the weather never did give us a great sunny day to just lie on the beach. It was cool and windy and cloudy.
But none of that is as bad as the fact that my sweetie's brother had a stroke the Monday after the wedding, while he and his lovely wife were in South Carolina trying to sightsee. We were "honeymooning" (such as it was with both of us ill) about five miles away, and ended up spending an extra night in the area in hopes of being helpful. I'm not sure we were helpful, but we tried to be.
I have so many conflicting feelings towards so many different people for the moment that I really could cry at any moment, and I considered calling at least some of you on Wednesday when I was sobbing in the car on the way from Charleston to Charlotte. I feel a huge sense of anti-climax that the wedding is over and that so much of it didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. I feel so worried for H's brother, and so sad that this should happen at such a time so the wedding will always be "when Mark had a stroke" instead of just the wedding - for them as much as for me.
I feel like I made a thousand mistakes in the run up to the wedding. I feel terrified lest this whole thing has been a horrible mistake. I feel terrified that my family will never accept my husband, since AT THE WEDDING my mother apparently lamented to a friend of mine, "But he's not a southerner..." (Even though he grew up in Pensacola...)
I feel completely overwhelmed by the number of people who were at the wedding, and horribly guilty that so many of them left without even attempting to speak to me. I feel disappointed that it was nearly impossible to take pictures at any time, since either it was raining or people were talking to us or my mother wasn't even dressed yet or there just wasn't a good place to do it. I feel disappointed that I never got a picture with all of my aunts.
I feel worried about whether or not I can even DO this whole marriage thing, and still be myself. I'm keeping my name (for now), but even that doesn't stop how frightened I feel at losing my identity into this new "us".
I feel exhausted from driving 12 hours yesterday.
I feel entirely flawed for feeling any of these things, since most brides seem to be delirious with happiness and contentment. Well, surprise surprise, I screwed that up.
I feel a whole batch of other things I don't think I should write down, because now I have another family that I might offend. What if H's family ever came across this?? Now I have two sets of muzzles...
I feel incapable of telling entertaining stories about the wedding, but everyone at work was expecting me to do so. The "surprise" congrats they threw me was exhausting, and it only lasted about 15 minutes.
Despite my deep sadness that apparently I did nothing but disappoint my mother at the wedding, I feel incredibly proud of her for driving down to Charleston yesterday to visit Mark and his wife and be a resource for them in a strange land.
I feel I failed everyone in trying to keep everyone happy. But no one would have been at all happy had I tried to make myself happy - no win no matter what.
I feel so so so disappointed that it rained.
I feel like all the bad things that keep going wrong are the universe's way of telling me: you've made a terrible mistake.
I feel like I would like to run away. I think I would like to take my honey with me, but I would like to run away.
I think I need some sleep, a cookie, and probably a couple of sessions with our therapist, but sadly (for us, not her), she's out of town this week. I feel resentful that she picked this week to be off on a holiday.
The funny thing is, I didn't see any of this coming.
So much for being a well-adjusted adult.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Girlfriend has some things to SAY
I've had some things said to me recently and kept my response to myself because I didn't want to offend or it wasn't appropriate. But last night I did a performance that reanimated my ass-kicking part of myself and now I'd like to unload a few of these lingering comments.
The comments reference multiple discussions with multiple people. If you're reading this, I probably wasn't talking to you, though there's a chance I am talking about you.
***
First: I don't need you to feel bad for me to feel better. We're not playing stand-stoop-sit, where only one of us can be happy at a time and if it's me, that means you've got to be lowly. I'm just living my life - it doesn't need to effect your status. I might even be happier knowing that you're ok, too.
Second: Yeah, I was a serial want-what-I-can't-haver. It's plenty safe, and easy too - you don't have to change a thing about yourself and your lifestyle if you fall in love with someone you can't make progress with. It works with locations and jobs, too - spend your days knowing you're walking out the door, and it gets a lot easier to treat people poorly or just leave the essential courtesies undone. But don't expect life to deepen and grow if you're cheating yourself out of the possible next. Mine didn't for a long time.
Third: If you get a kick out of being unhappy, don't let me stop you. But don't make me commiserate if it's what you created and decided to keep.
Fourth: I can't speak for everyone, but I do not like to know we had the same experience with the same boy. I like to pretend to myself that I am a unique individual, and that I encounter others uniquely, that I bring some spark or fire that only I have. Frankly, it pisses me off that I wasted brain space on someone who opted out of the experience that is me, so I really don't like the idea that I was just pugged in to the same lame schtick he's been pulling on everyone else. I am not thrilled by the idea that we share that experience. Especially if yours was in high school and mine was 10 years later.
Let's be clear - it's fine that he opted out, that's his right, I just wish I'd been able to opt out right after that point. It's the time _I_ wasted that I mind.
Five: I am indeed getting married. But to make this perfectly clear, it does not actually solve any of my problems. I have company during them, perhaps, if it's a good marriage, but I don't get a get-out-of-unhappiness-free card. You see how all the married people are naturally happier than the non-married people? No? Exactly.
As well, I was single for a long, long, long time (about 10 years), and I was perfectly capable of living with just myself. Getting married now does not magically wipe that experience from my life.
Six: I cannot imagine not being able to spend time with myself. If I could not be in a room alone and read or watch tv or work on a project or otherwise just be fine coping with myself, I would not be in any shape to marry, let alone function.
Seven: I am indeed lucky in my fiance. He's great. But like any relationship, there are some tradeoffs. The things he offers are much greater than the things I have to relinquish, but there's no one out there who has everything in one other person.
I will never get him to reproduce the dance from the Thriller video at our wedding, for instance. And really, wouldn't that kick ass? I'm having trouble getting him to dance for 4 minutes with everyone watching. Don't get me started on the stubbornness either. It's a good thing he's so cute and such a champion snuggler.
Damn. I ruined the Damn Straight! tone right then, didn't I.
The comments reference multiple discussions with multiple people. If you're reading this, I probably wasn't talking to you, though there's a chance I am talking about you.
***
First: I don't need you to feel bad for me to feel better. We're not playing stand-stoop-sit, where only one of us can be happy at a time and if it's me, that means you've got to be lowly. I'm just living my life - it doesn't need to effect your status. I might even be happier knowing that you're ok, too.
Second: Yeah, I was a serial want-what-I-can't-haver. It's plenty safe, and easy too - you don't have to change a thing about yourself and your lifestyle if you fall in love with someone you can't make progress with. It works with locations and jobs, too - spend your days knowing you're walking out the door, and it gets a lot easier to treat people poorly or just leave the essential courtesies undone. But don't expect life to deepen and grow if you're cheating yourself out of the possible next. Mine didn't for a long time.
Third: If you get a kick out of being unhappy, don't let me stop you. But don't make me commiserate if it's what you created and decided to keep.
Fourth: I can't speak for everyone, but I do not like to know we had the same experience with the same boy. I like to pretend to myself that I am a unique individual, and that I encounter others uniquely, that I bring some spark or fire that only I have. Frankly, it pisses me off that I wasted brain space on someone who opted out of the experience that is me, so I really don't like the idea that I was just pugged in to the same lame schtick he's been pulling on everyone else. I am not thrilled by the idea that we share that experience. Especially if yours was in high school and mine was 10 years later.
Let's be clear - it's fine that he opted out, that's his right, I just wish I'd been able to opt out right after that point. It's the time _I_ wasted that I mind.
Five: I am indeed getting married. But to make this perfectly clear, it does not actually solve any of my problems. I have company during them, perhaps, if it's a good marriage, but I don't get a get-out-of-unhappiness-free card. You see how all the married people are naturally happier than the non-married people? No? Exactly.
As well, I was single for a long, long, long time (about 10 years), and I was perfectly capable of living with just myself. Getting married now does not magically wipe that experience from my life.
Six: I cannot imagine not being able to spend time with myself. If I could not be in a room alone and read or watch tv or work on a project or otherwise just be fine coping with myself, I would not be in any shape to marry, let alone function.
Seven: I am indeed lucky in my fiance. He's great. But like any relationship, there are some tradeoffs. The things he offers are much greater than the things I have to relinquish, but there's no one out there who has everything in one other person.
I will never get him to reproduce the dance from the Thriller video at our wedding, for instance. And really, wouldn't that kick ass? I'm having trouble getting him to dance for 4 minutes with everyone watching. Don't get me started on the stubbornness either. It's a good thing he's so cute and such a champion snuggler.
Damn. I ruined the Damn Straight! tone right then, didn't I.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Better...
So after a lot of talking with my (our) therapist, things are much better with my mother. We've had two very very long talks on the phone about wedding details, and they've been cooperative and civil. All our conflict has been assigned to my bad temper ("are YOU feeling better?"), but let's do whatever it takes to get this show up with as many people feeling happy about it as possible.
And I've gotten exctied about it again! Hooray! And there are so many things to take care of that, far from being bored, I am getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. I like the things that get completed, though, we're actually trying to inject our personality into the gifts we give people. I'm sure as soon as the wedding is over we'll think of hundreds of ways to do this that would have been better than what we're doing, but hey, we're having fun working on this stuff together. Actually, we sat down and made a budget and a plan for the gifts we're trying to give at the wedding, and I am soooo happy we did that.
Now, the down side is that I have no real time for anything else. So the friend of mine who has called me every night for 5 nights in a row needs to stop. Why on earth does she need to talk to me before the wedding?? Wouldn't it be better to talk to me after the wedding and hear how it went? I never really thought about it before, but the very last time you need to be pestering someone is in the month before their wedding.
Of course, I have other problems with this particular person, mostly that I don't really care about talking to her. Another friend of mine has been trying to reach me, and it still won't happen, I still won't have time to talk to her before the wedding, but she doesn't irritate me. She's actually going to be at the wedding, so that's great.
I think when I leave town for the wedding I'll have to change my voicemail:
"Hi, you've reached Elizabeth. I'm getting married in a week, and you should know that if you leave me a message, I will not call you back, no matter who you are or how much I may love you. If this is one of my agents, I have booked out for this time and will not have time to call you back and remind you about it, so DON'T leave me a message about an audition. Unless it's after April 10, I can't make it. Not negotiable.
Now, don't get offended, I am unable to call you back because I am either a) desperately working to finish some inane task, like putting together gift bags for all guests, b) desperately trying to balance the agenda of my mother, my father, my fiance, and everyone else who gives us such "helpful" advice, c) desperately trying to get some sleep so I do not look like a zombie bride, or d) all of the above, and some more "surprise" tasks I didn't know about until I got home.
If you're invited to the wedding, I'll see you there. If you weren't, please know that I wasn't able to invite who I wanted because my parents are throwing their one and only wedding and they had to invite hundreds of people that don't matter at all to me but after all, I'm just the one getting married! It doesn't matter what I'd want!
Thanks, and in case I didn't make it clear, don't leave me a message. I won't be able to respond. If I did, you wouldn't like my response."
And I've gotten exctied about it again! Hooray! And there are so many things to take care of that, far from being bored, I am getting about 5 hours of sleep a night. I like the things that get completed, though, we're actually trying to inject our personality into the gifts we give people. I'm sure as soon as the wedding is over we'll think of hundreds of ways to do this that would have been better than what we're doing, but hey, we're having fun working on this stuff together. Actually, we sat down and made a budget and a plan for the gifts we're trying to give at the wedding, and I am soooo happy we did that.
Now, the down side is that I have no real time for anything else. So the friend of mine who has called me every night for 5 nights in a row needs to stop. Why on earth does she need to talk to me before the wedding?? Wouldn't it be better to talk to me after the wedding and hear how it went? I never really thought about it before, but the very last time you need to be pestering someone is in the month before their wedding.
Of course, I have other problems with this particular person, mostly that I don't really care about talking to her. Another friend of mine has been trying to reach me, and it still won't happen, I still won't have time to talk to her before the wedding, but she doesn't irritate me. She's actually going to be at the wedding, so that's great.
I think when I leave town for the wedding I'll have to change my voicemail:
"Hi, you've reached Elizabeth. I'm getting married in a week, and you should know that if you leave me a message, I will not call you back, no matter who you are or how much I may love you. If this is one of my agents, I have booked out for this time and will not have time to call you back and remind you about it, so DON'T leave me a message about an audition. Unless it's after April 10, I can't make it. Not negotiable.
Now, don't get offended, I am unable to call you back because I am either a) desperately working to finish some inane task, like putting together gift bags for all guests, b) desperately trying to balance the agenda of my mother, my father, my fiance, and everyone else who gives us such "helpful" advice, c) desperately trying to get some sleep so I do not look like a zombie bride, or d) all of the above, and some more "surprise" tasks I didn't know about until I got home.
If you're invited to the wedding, I'll see you there. If you weren't, please know that I wasn't able to invite who I wanted because my parents are throwing their one and only wedding and they had to invite hundreds of people that don't matter at all to me but after all, I'm just the one getting married! It doesn't matter what I'd want!
Thanks, and in case I didn't make it clear, don't leave me a message. I won't be able to respond. If I did, you wouldn't like my response."
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Well, well...
If there's anyone who has been wondering why they haven't heard from me, I've been in bed sick for four days. Well, three. I should have gone home to bed the first day I felt horrible, but I had a whole progressive dinner celebrating Valentine's planned and couldn't bear to give it up.
I mean, of course, if you've wondered why you haven't heard from me in real life. Of course I rarely keep solid tabs on this blog.
While ill, I've had my first substantial talks with my mother since the series of meltdowns recently. Naturally, by substantial I mean "lengthy", as I have not had the mental capacity to try to discuss issues that upset me. And being sick, I was hard pressed to care. You have to believe some change will come of the dicussion in order to put much into it.
She keeps making the most confusing comments, placatory (is that a word? it should be), as if to make up to me. As if, seriously, someone had gotten ahold of her and read her the riot act. Which is possible - my dad's done it before, and not just on my behalf. He wades in to protect my brother and sister-in-law, too.
The sickness has made it worse, too, because she's fussing over me. Or does that make it better? That's the impression I have, without having any hard facts. I suppose it could just be that, having gotten mostly her way, she can afford to jolly me along? That's the cynic's view.
By the way, when I say "gotten her way" I mean that I'm getting response cards from people who were NOT ON the invitation list we put together. If I knew THAT was allowed, there are quite a few of you reading who would have gotten an invitation.
So now my mom, who hates paying more than $12 for a haircut (which is what she paid back in 1988 and why should it get more expensive?) is talking about going to the swanky salon where I'm getting my hair done for some wedding photos. It does seem like a spy tactic. Why on earth doesn't she just ask if she can come with? I mean, right now I sigh a little sigh, because there's nothing quite like my Mom's disapproval to take the joy out of spending money she thinks I'm wasting, but I can at least appreciate that she might want to join in, even find it a lovely gesture.
Or better yet, her opening salley (sally? hmmm) this weekend was something like, "We've cleared our calendars and we're all set to adore you." I didn't even touch this one, I wasn't sure what kind of firecracker that was. She's talking about me going to SC this coming weekend. Firstly, the weekend is a) about my brother's birthday and b) the weekend of the church retreat for my parents, so it is a weekend anything but clear. Secondly, I don't really need adoring. Respecting, as I detailed in an earlier post, but adoring, ehn, no.
Her whole demeanor has me deeply puzzled, and really just a whisker shy of suspicous. I'm not sure what I'm being buttered up for, or more importantly, why on earth this is the brand of buttering up?
In other news, although coughing up a lung while deathly ill turns out to be a fairly consistent way of losing that last pesky five pounds, I really, really can't recommend it. From now on, my advice to others will be in favor of altering the dress and retouching the photos.
I mean, of course, if you've wondered why you haven't heard from me in real life. Of course I rarely keep solid tabs on this blog.
While ill, I've had my first substantial talks with my mother since the series of meltdowns recently. Naturally, by substantial I mean "lengthy", as I have not had the mental capacity to try to discuss issues that upset me. And being sick, I was hard pressed to care. You have to believe some change will come of the dicussion in order to put much into it.
She keeps making the most confusing comments, placatory (is that a word? it should be), as if to make up to me. As if, seriously, someone had gotten ahold of her and read her the riot act. Which is possible - my dad's done it before, and not just on my behalf. He wades in to protect my brother and sister-in-law, too.
The sickness has made it worse, too, because she's fussing over me. Or does that make it better? That's the impression I have, without having any hard facts. I suppose it could just be that, having gotten mostly her way, she can afford to jolly me along? That's the cynic's view.
By the way, when I say "gotten her way" I mean that I'm getting response cards from people who were NOT ON the invitation list we put together. If I knew THAT was allowed, there are quite a few of you reading who would have gotten an invitation.
So now my mom, who hates paying more than $12 for a haircut (which is what she paid back in 1988 and why should it get more expensive?) is talking about going to the swanky salon where I'm getting my hair done for some wedding photos. It does seem like a spy tactic. Why on earth doesn't she just ask if she can come with? I mean, right now I sigh a little sigh, because there's nothing quite like my Mom's disapproval to take the joy out of spending money she thinks I'm wasting, but I can at least appreciate that she might want to join in, even find it a lovely gesture.
Or better yet, her opening salley (sally? hmmm) this weekend was something like, "We've cleared our calendars and we're all set to adore you." I didn't even touch this one, I wasn't sure what kind of firecracker that was. She's talking about me going to SC this coming weekend. Firstly, the weekend is a) about my brother's birthday and b) the weekend of the church retreat for my parents, so it is a weekend anything but clear. Secondly, I don't really need adoring. Respecting, as I detailed in an earlier post, but adoring, ehn, no.
Her whole demeanor has me deeply puzzled, and really just a whisker shy of suspicous. I'm not sure what I'm being buttered up for, or more importantly, why on earth this is the brand of buttering up?
In other news, although coughing up a lung while deathly ill turns out to be a fairly consistent way of losing that last pesky five pounds, I really, really can't recommend it. From now on, my advice to others will be in favor of altering the dress and retouching the photos.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Departure
There's this girl who goes to the same gym I do. Our gym is small, fairly cheap, and in an area with a large student population, and there's a particularly high number of actors and students who use this gym. A few years ago (before joining the gym) I saw a sketch comedy performance with a group who was making fun of yoga. Vaguely amusing, one of the performers was a small Asian-American girl whose body was tiny. She was wearing a leotard and tights so you could see that there was simply no extra meat on her anywhere. And in the sketches, she played a particularly irritating person.
I disliked watching her, and her tiny body made me dislike her even more.
When I started going to this gym, I saw her, recognized who she was from the performance, and began to settle in to my irrational and completely based-on-fiction dislike. And she was in there ALL THE TIME. And she was always using the ellipitcal machine veeerrrrryyyy slowly. Much later it finally occurred to me she probably had it set on a very taxing resistance, meaning her body was working too hard to move quickly, but for some reason the slowness just bugged me.
A year or so ago, I was reading a profile of a young actress in a smash hit of a new play. Now, these make me jealous anyway, because of course I wish *I* could be in a smash hit and had people interview *me*. But suddenly I realized that this must be the girl from the gym. I looked up the production photos online and yep, it was her.
But in the profile, she'd revealed several beguiling and tantalizing pieces of information. She is estranged from her mother - that's word the article used, "estranged", she thought she'd gained weight because she ate incessantly while doing the show, she felt there weren't a lot of roles available to an Asian. I suddenly had a great deal of intimate knowledge about someone I have yet to speak to.
She only rarely irritates me anymore. It's so fascinating, knowing I have a window into who she is (though perhaps a cloudy window - who knows how much the article got right), knowing I have information about her and she has no idea I know these things. And I can see the danger in being a person that gets interviewed, in the paper or anywhere else. When everyone has your secrets at their fingertips, where is your mystery? But it's also true that the information I know now has humanized this person to me, and I find myself sympathetic with her instead of irritated by her.
Which sympathy is equally false, of course, because I don't know her at all.
I disliked watching her, and her tiny body made me dislike her even more.
When I started going to this gym, I saw her, recognized who she was from the performance, and began to settle in to my irrational and completely based-on-fiction dislike. And she was in there ALL THE TIME. And she was always using the ellipitcal machine veeerrrrryyyy slowly. Much later it finally occurred to me she probably had it set on a very taxing resistance, meaning her body was working too hard to move quickly, but for some reason the slowness just bugged me.
A year or so ago, I was reading a profile of a young actress in a smash hit of a new play. Now, these make me jealous anyway, because of course I wish *I* could be in a smash hit and had people interview *me*. But suddenly I realized that this must be the girl from the gym. I looked up the production photos online and yep, it was her.
But in the profile, she'd revealed several beguiling and tantalizing pieces of information. She is estranged from her mother - that's word the article used, "estranged", she thought she'd gained weight because she ate incessantly while doing the show, she felt there weren't a lot of roles available to an Asian. I suddenly had a great deal of intimate knowledge about someone I have yet to speak to.
She only rarely irritates me anymore. It's so fascinating, knowing I have a window into who she is (though perhaps a cloudy window - who knows how much the article got right), knowing I have information about her and she has no idea I know these things. And I can see the danger in being a person that gets interviewed, in the paper or anywhere else. When everyone has your secrets at their fingertips, where is your mystery? But it's also true that the information I know now has humanized this person to me, and I find myself sympathetic with her instead of irritated by her.
Which sympathy is equally false, of course, because I don't know her at all.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Interesting...I wish
I've opted out of theatre projects in order to make sure I can deal with my own wedding, and I gotta tell you...
I'm walking that tightrope between indolence and boredom.
I mean, yes, it's nice to sit and watch television.
For an evening. And then I get bored. I do a lot of running from job to job and audition to rehearsal and it gets really tiring. But it doesn't take that long without all the rushed pace to be bored.
I'm less likely to use the time to do anything for anyone else, either, which is lousy of me, but true. I have time on my hands, I get lazy.
Now, I have enjoyed some lounging, don't get me wrong. A little indolence is a beautiful experience, and I like doing my impression of a cat in a sunny window. And some of my boredom is the weather - I had somewhere to be on Saturday night that would have been highly entertaining, but it was -20 wind chill and gusts of up to 50 mph were projected. The best route I could find to this party involved walking for a mile. I just could not do it. I lay on the couch and went nowhere for about 6 hours. (I had gone to the gym earlier, I'll have you know.)
So if it were 45 degrees out, I'd be much more able to amuse myself. I'd probably bike somewhere interesting and look around and have an adventure.
But not when it is -20. Just...no...
I'm walking that tightrope between indolence and boredom.
I mean, yes, it's nice to sit and watch television.
For an evening. And then I get bored. I do a lot of running from job to job and audition to rehearsal and it gets really tiring. But it doesn't take that long without all the rushed pace to be bored.
I'm less likely to use the time to do anything for anyone else, either, which is lousy of me, but true. I have time on my hands, I get lazy.
Now, I have enjoyed some lounging, don't get me wrong. A little indolence is a beautiful experience, and I like doing my impression of a cat in a sunny window. And some of my boredom is the weather - I had somewhere to be on Saturday night that would have been highly entertaining, but it was -20 wind chill and gusts of up to 50 mph were projected. The best route I could find to this party involved walking for a mile. I just could not do it. I lay on the couch and went nowhere for about 6 hours. (I had gone to the gym earlier, I'll have you know.)
So if it were 45 degrees out, I'd be much more able to amuse myself. I'd probably bike somewhere interesting and look around and have an adventure.
But not when it is -20. Just...no...
Friday, February 08, 2008
All's right with the world
Ok, so it's just a wedding, and although Martha Stewart has programmed us to think it has to be *just so*, it's actually just a day when the love-pumpkin and I promise to each other that we'll be faithful and true. While other people watch. And though I wish I had endless time to make thousands of little paper boxes or a personalized stamp on everyone's "favor" gift of a bag of grits, I don't really care if this turns out to be the wedding of the season. Like any woman alive, if I had unlimited money and time and the ability to do whatever I wanted, I would probably put together an amazing celebration that all the attendees would talk about for years.
However, three things:
1) The most beautiful wedding I have ever been to, a stunning, romantic, unforgettable event, sealed a relationship that has already ended with the divorce of the couple. Less than five years.
2) The most horrible wedding I have ever been to - and I base this judgment partly on the fact that none of the participants looked as if they were enjoying it, not merely that I didn't enjoy it - produced a marriage that is still going strong, producing children and making the couple happy like a pair of clams.
3) No matter what happens, at least one attendee will be bored and not like it. No matter what. The numerical odds are too high.
That being said, the butternut squash and I are going to have a beautiful wedding, and I am happy we're getting married. We started some pre-marital counseling this week, and it made me realize how lucky I am/we are. My sugarfoot was willing but less that thrilled - why call the repair guy if nothing is broken? was his analysis. I countered with the concept of getting medical screens to prevent problems before they become fatal. My pigeon said as long as the therapist was hot, he'd be fine. After rolling my eyes, I explained I preferred to refer to this experience as "counseling" because I didn't want to imply I believed something was wrong that we needed to fix.
Both a little nervous, we braved a winter storm to head off to counseling.
The first thing our undeniably hot counselor asked was, "So, what brings you to therapy?"
I should have seen the smirk from across the room - my word jammer was thinking a) this woman is hot, and b) see, it IS called therapy.
Anyway, the process should be interesting, and I don't plan to detail it from now on, but the whole evening made me think, hey, I know this man pretty well, and I trust him. I know we aren't perfect (there are stories, some of them already on here somewhere) and our relationship isn't everyone's dream, but it makes me really happy, and bonzo really happy.
When asked, how would you characterize the relationship, what leapt to mind was, "Well, there's a lot of snuggling."
I've been doing a lot of venting and complaining here, and sometimes I miss the chance to remind myself how lucky I am.
Also, I watched Teen Witch last night, and who can resist that?
However, three things:
1) The most beautiful wedding I have ever been to, a stunning, romantic, unforgettable event, sealed a relationship that has already ended with the divorce of the couple. Less than five years.
2) The most horrible wedding I have ever been to - and I base this judgment partly on the fact that none of the participants looked as if they were enjoying it, not merely that I didn't enjoy it - produced a marriage that is still going strong, producing children and making the couple happy like a pair of clams.
3) No matter what happens, at least one attendee will be bored and not like it. No matter what. The numerical odds are too high.
That being said, the butternut squash and I are going to have a beautiful wedding, and I am happy we're getting married. We started some pre-marital counseling this week, and it made me realize how lucky I am/we are. My sugarfoot was willing but less that thrilled - why call the repair guy if nothing is broken? was his analysis. I countered with the concept of getting medical screens to prevent problems before they become fatal. My pigeon said as long as the therapist was hot, he'd be fine. After rolling my eyes, I explained I preferred to refer to this experience as "counseling" because I didn't want to imply I believed something was wrong that we needed to fix.
Both a little nervous, we braved a winter storm to head off to counseling.
The first thing our undeniably hot counselor asked was, "So, what brings you to therapy?"
I should have seen the smirk from across the room - my word jammer was thinking a) this woman is hot, and b) see, it IS called therapy.
Anyway, the process should be interesting, and I don't plan to detail it from now on, but the whole evening made me think, hey, I know this man pretty well, and I trust him. I know we aren't perfect (there are stories, some of them already on here somewhere) and our relationship isn't everyone's dream, but it makes me really happy, and bonzo really happy.
When asked, how would you characterize the relationship, what leapt to mind was, "Well, there's a lot of snuggling."
I've been doing a lot of venting and complaining here, and sometimes I miss the chance to remind myself how lucky I am.
Also, I watched Teen Witch last night, and who can resist that?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Two Months and counting...
I'm alternately excited and stressed out by the wedding. We're days away from the two month mark. That's great in some ways - in less than three months, it will be over. Hurrah.
The part that is a hassle is a trillion little decisions and details. I mean, I still haven't decided what the wedding cake will look like. Do these decisions really matter?? No, of course not. And yet I'm interested enough to have an opinion. I've left the flowers entirely in my mother's hands, because she has good taste and I'm certain whatever she decides will be beautiful. I have claimed not to care what the flowers look like. But, as someone pointed out the other day, if the flowers are yellow carnations and red roses, yes, I think I would hate that. After all, my dress is pink champagne - yellow will clash.
I don't really expect yellow carnations from my mother. However, I'm learning my expectations are sometimes wrong. I had expected...well, for her to be excited, and happy about the wedding, but I have yet to feel that. There's a big part of my mother that spends time pressing me - as in, to keep me from being irrepressible, she presses. She hushes and shushes and generally tries to tone me down. I think she wants to make sure I don't think I'm too big for my britches. I should probably tell her the constant shushing has convinced me no one cares what I have to say, but she'd probably just criticize my negativity.
A good example that she believes her own shushing - she and my Dad bought a BMW a while back, because they were retiring and my Dad wanted a car that would last ten years. My mother decided they shouldn't drive it to visit her family, as her family would view it as her rubbing it in that they make more money. She didn't want her success to make anyone feel bad.
Now, this is nonsense, of course, and she eventually relaxed this rule as it became impratical. (Now they drive the BMW everywhere and she apologizes for it.) But I feel like the wedding is being treated the same way - this big, potentially fun event has to be hidden away and kept quiet so that no one feels bad and so that Elizabeth doesn't get too obnoxious.
My fiance is worried that no one is making enough of a fuss of me. His buddies are talking about a weekend in Vegas for him, and he frets constantly that I'm not having a shower or a bachelorette party, or various other things. I don't mind about the parties - his relatives very sweetly want me to go north to throw me a shower, but I'm not a huge shower fan, and now there's just no time to get up there before I have to be in SC. I might organize a bachelorette party, but since both my bridesmaids are very far away, they can't come, so that's kind of a bummer. And who really wants to throw a party for yourself?
What is hard is that everyone, my parents included, has so much going on right now that I feel guilty asking for attention. My friends are dealing with their own crises, my brother's family just redid their carpets (NOT a ephemism) and have two small children, my Dad just lost his mother, my mother's got 40 years worth of stuff to clean and is trying to keep her own mother happy. There are other weddings, brand new babies, sick family members, breakups, job upheaval, and aging parents. EVERYONE has stuff. I want to be respectful of all the stuff. I want to hear about it, to commiserate, to advise, to listen.
But there is a part of me that just wants to find an open space and scream:
THIS IS THE ONLY WEDDING I AM PLANNING TO HAVE AND WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR JUST ONE SECOND AND ASK ME ABOUT IT??????
Now, before you get all huffy and write me a nasty post, know this: both my bridesmaids are wonderful, and I talked to both of them last week. They listened, they asked questions - they had both called me, even. They both said all the right things, and I am thrilled they'll be with me when the wedding rolls around.
I never expected everyone's life to stop just because I was getting married. Heck, I'm just happy some of my friends can come to the wedding.
I don't need a party or to go off to Vegas (that would be fun, but we're all too broke right now). But I think I need my mother to be excited. To pay attention. To be concerned with what might make me happy.
And I don't think she will be.
The part that is a hassle is a trillion little decisions and details. I mean, I still haven't decided what the wedding cake will look like. Do these decisions really matter?? No, of course not. And yet I'm interested enough to have an opinion. I've left the flowers entirely in my mother's hands, because she has good taste and I'm certain whatever she decides will be beautiful. I have claimed not to care what the flowers look like. But, as someone pointed out the other day, if the flowers are yellow carnations and red roses, yes, I think I would hate that. After all, my dress is pink champagne - yellow will clash.
I don't really expect yellow carnations from my mother. However, I'm learning my expectations are sometimes wrong. I had expected...well, for her to be excited, and happy about the wedding, but I have yet to feel that. There's a big part of my mother that spends time pressing me - as in, to keep me from being irrepressible, she presses. She hushes and shushes and generally tries to tone me down. I think she wants to make sure I don't think I'm too big for my britches. I should probably tell her the constant shushing has convinced me no one cares what I have to say, but she'd probably just criticize my negativity.
A good example that she believes her own shushing - she and my Dad bought a BMW a while back, because they were retiring and my Dad wanted a car that would last ten years. My mother decided they shouldn't drive it to visit her family, as her family would view it as her rubbing it in that they make more money. She didn't want her success to make anyone feel bad.
Now, this is nonsense, of course, and she eventually relaxed this rule as it became impratical. (Now they drive the BMW everywhere and she apologizes for it.) But I feel like the wedding is being treated the same way - this big, potentially fun event has to be hidden away and kept quiet so that no one feels bad and so that Elizabeth doesn't get too obnoxious.
My fiance is worried that no one is making enough of a fuss of me. His buddies are talking about a weekend in Vegas for him, and he frets constantly that I'm not having a shower or a bachelorette party, or various other things. I don't mind about the parties - his relatives very sweetly want me to go north to throw me a shower, but I'm not a huge shower fan, and now there's just no time to get up there before I have to be in SC. I might organize a bachelorette party, but since both my bridesmaids are very far away, they can't come, so that's kind of a bummer. And who really wants to throw a party for yourself?
What is hard is that everyone, my parents included, has so much going on right now that I feel guilty asking for attention. My friends are dealing with their own crises, my brother's family just redid their carpets (NOT a ephemism) and have two small children, my Dad just lost his mother, my mother's got 40 years worth of stuff to clean and is trying to keep her own mother happy. There are other weddings, brand new babies, sick family members, breakups, job upheaval, and aging parents. EVERYONE has stuff. I want to be respectful of all the stuff. I want to hear about it, to commiserate, to advise, to listen.
But there is a part of me that just wants to find an open space and scream:
THIS IS THE ONLY WEDDING I AM PLANNING TO HAVE AND WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR JUST ONE SECOND AND ASK ME ABOUT IT??????
Now, before you get all huffy and write me a nasty post, know this: both my bridesmaids are wonderful, and I talked to both of them last week. They listened, they asked questions - they had both called me, even. They both said all the right things, and I am thrilled they'll be with me when the wedding rolls around.
I never expected everyone's life to stop just because I was getting married. Heck, I'm just happy some of my friends can come to the wedding.
I don't need a party or to go off to Vegas (that would be fun, but we're all too broke right now). But I think I need my mother to be excited. To pay attention. To be concerned with what might make me happy.
And I don't think she will be.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Christmas
I'd like a do-over of Christmas, please. I have told too many people too much of this story, and I can't quite face putting it all down in type, so let's do a swift bullet list of highlights and then we'll move on to happier topics, shall we?
- If you spend the holiday with people who are lacking any Christmas excitement, it's best to bring it with you (in a box purchased at the Dollar Store if necessary) and shove it down their throats. I did not do this, and should have. You have to make the Christmas you want - I should have worked harder.
- Devon Avenue as a Christmas dinner option is a great idea - so good many other people have had it. When it takes over half an hour to find parking, nothing good will come from the evening.
- Similarly, if it is a frustrating headache to rewire the VCR, you will probably not enjoy whatever you end up watching on it.
- If you turn your head sharply and your companion happens to be sitting very close to you, your skulls will crash together. It will be painful. If you are the type that under periods of great stress and exhaustion collapses into tears, it will happen along with this pain. It may cause a breakdown that includes the sobbed phrase: "I can't make you happy...."
- If you are banking on visiting your own family to bring the joy of the holiday season back to your life, don't.
- No really, they're busy people, and they've already done Christmas without you.
- If you rush to your hometown in order to FINALLY get wedding invitations ordered, all the shops will be closed.
- When they open, all of the people who could get your invitations ordered will be absent.
- Your mother, would could have avoided all this by calling beforehand and making an appointment, will be busy babysitting her grandchildren.
- Her grandchildren, who are adorable, could have been somewhere else, leaving her free to help with these very time-sensitive wedding plans.
- Oh, wait, that's right, the grandchildren, who will hopefully be with us for many years to come, are more important than getting this once-in-a-lifetime event off the ground. I mean, it's just her daughter's wedding, nothing as cute and fun as grandchildren.
- Your mother, by the way, will have changed her mind about where she wants the invitations ordered, but not bothered to tell you that.
- All of this "helpful" behavior will enrage your fiance. Have fun smoothing those feathers.
- When you get back, having dutifully written out mentally, "Even though I am the one getting married, what I want is of no consequence" a LEAST one hundred times, you will need at least two weeks for any part of your life to feel like yours.
- Merry Christmas.
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