Bad at it

You know what sucks?  Endings.  I am bad at them - awkward, graceless, tearful, over-dramatic.

I am also bad at doing anything the first time.  I'm ok at beginnings in general, just not doing something for the first time.

Right, I don't want to sound like a broken record but I'm really tired at realizing there are more things I'm not good at.  I feel as I get older I have to come to terms more and more with the reality of not being good at things, and that upsets me and disheartens me, and frankly, just for a change, I'm getting angry about it.

Not that life owes me anything, it doesn't owe any of us anything - hell, I could have been born in a war zone or been mowed down senselessly by gun violence or been prey to thousands of other fates that would be TRULY horrific, and instead I'm just irritated when some other red head gets an audition instead of me.

But putting the "first-world-problem" aspect of my existence aside, I am weary of having to accept that I am going to lose because whatever I am or do can't win.

I won big time recently getting cast in the awesome project, and I don't want to go back to being a loser.  I want to keep winning.  I want the universe to smile on me for a change and give me a few more breaks.  I think if I got a few more I could be patient again - not that I ever want to go back to losing, but I would really like to be able to find the sweet spot between wins where I was just waiting for the next one and I knew it would come along, so the little losses didn't affect me.

That would be something, to be able to withstand disappointment because I know it will all work out if I just keep at it.  I would like that.  That is the person I would like to be.

In the meantime, I have a couple of big endings coming, and they are all going to hurt like hell.

On the bright side, if anything good ever does happen to me, I truly, truly appreciate it.  Like the awesome project.  It. Has. Been. AWESOME.

Dammit, I'm tearing up just thinking about it ending.