The people who read this blog number in single digits.
I can't publicize it to the entire world to get more readers because it's a place I try to say what I think.
However, I can't actually write about many of the things that happen to me for a variety of reasons:
1. I audition for things that I'm required to keep confidential.
2. I occasionally do things I'm required to keep confidential.
3. I occasionally do things that I'd happily write about, but there are people who cannot be allowed to know what I think, and it is obvious that the internet is not a good place to detail information you're not certain someone should know. Even Luddites can read print outs.
So even though it's supposed to be my place to let loose, it isn't. And I grow more and more frustrated with my seeming inability to say anything of any interest. The internet seems to have become a place for re-posting - we're all just swapping pictures and opinions and recipes.
I'm thinking of taking an internet break. The idea came upon me for petty reasons - I opened my facebook to see someone's wedding picture, and instead of just being happy for them, it made me feel...inferior, imperfect. To be frank, this is someone I already feel highly jealous of, both beauty-wise and career-wise, so the idea that I might be jealous to see the perfect outdoor shot of her perfectly amazing dress and perfectly dressed new husband against a perfect backdrop is not shocking.
It's bad enough to feel lousy looking at the perfect people, but add to that the guilt that I'm not mature enough and secure enough just to wish them well. So I get to feel inferior to the people in every respect AND inferior to the person I think I ought to be. GREAT!
So I open facebook and get a nice punch in the gut about how imperfect I am. All the naysaying I try to suppress floods in - in a flash it comes home to me how unattractive, untalented, and ordinary I am (because of course I'm not as pretty as this girl, and definitely haven't worked as much as she has, and absolutely did not have a wedding in a perfect setting like this - it might be a hilltop in Spain, or a villa in Scandinavia). BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! I can scroll down and within three minutes I can clock a dozen people have been cast in shows I wish I'd even gotten to audition for, twenty babies that are cuter than the children I'm apparently never having, and at least one person just got an amazing job within a week of moving to Chicago, reminding me of the 10 years I've been slogging away here with nothing to show for it.
And you know what? I don't want to feel this way. It is a waste of my time. I don't know how to be ok with who I am and what I have right now, but that is the person I want to be. I dislike this jealous, inferior, depressed self. I mean, FUCK THIS SHIT, am I right?? I wanna be happy for everyone! I want to feel glad that people got married, had babies, had success!
So I'm considering just staying the fuck off of facebook for a while. Maybe also checking my email a little less. Maybe read a few more books, talk to real people more. I don't know if I can banish the spectre of perfection - I've been jealous and sad about all my faults and shortcomings for a lifetime, and despite effort on my part, I slide into despair more readily than I slide out of it.
So. Well. I gotta do something about this motherfucking problem. Attack it with knives. Put some depression canaries out so I can see this shit coming. And yes, Mom, if someone printed this out for you, yes, I am cursing. Yes, it does make me feel better. Sorry. A couple of things you told me that were completely legitimate for you did not work out for me, and that is one of them - cursing is fun and makes me feel better. Also the thing about no sex before marriage - completely well-intentioned, I totally saw your point, but it turns out taking your advice (partly) meant I missed out. Big Time.
The irony will be that by the time I'm a widow and I can get back around to sleeping around, it will be too late.
Right, because that's the biggest problem with this post.
Like I said, maybe an internet break.
I bet I end up re-writing this a few days/hours/whatever from now. If you read it within a day or two of posting, drop by and see what I changed in a week.
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