Anniversary

Right.  I don't ever do what I'm about to do.  But I drank cappuccino this morning and my edit system is awash with caffeine.

There's good stuff and bad stuff happening, and maybe five years down the line the narrative of my life will look different in retrospect.  Today, this is how it looks: today is the fifth anniversary of my wedding.  (Full disclosure - I was nervous as hell at and during my wedding. I was not your typical thrilled-beyond-belief bride.  It was enjoyable in parts, but getting up in front of people and making promises that I am still not sure I can keep forever was terrifying.  I didn't (ironically) love being the center of attention (even though my spouse did a great job of carrying some of that load).  I didn't love having to say things to another human being that I just cannot predict.  Do I hope I love my husband forever?  Absolutely.  Do I know enough about the world to understand that I can't control exactly what happens to us?  Yes.

Today, we've been married five years.

Yesterday, I had a chance to go audition for exactly the kind of project I want to be doing.  Will I get it?  Who knows - I have to say the chances are slim, because the director could pick any actor in this whole town and as well as other towns.  But I was asked to be part of the pool, and that feels terrific.  I liked going and auditioning more than I want to buy a house or have a fancy car or have tons of money.  And I looked at my husband across the table this morning and thought about how every time the choice is: money versus what I actually want, he encourages me to strive for the things I actually want.

Joseph Campbell talks about following your bliss:  "...if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. [...] I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

Look, if your bliss is owning a house, or going on trips, or awesome gadgets, or softball or movies or hustling pool, more power to you and I hope you are following that bliss.  I'm not judging anyone else's choices with what I'm about to say about myself.  I'm just grateful today that I married someone who pushes me to be the person I really want to be instead of allowing fear to decide what I think I am capable of doing.  Am I afraid I'm never going to be good enough to work consistently on the level I want?  Unquestionably terrified.  Am I worried I can't keep the wolf away from the door long enough to keep trying?  Absolutely.  Are there things I want out of life that I'm anxious I can't have if I stay on this path?  Truth.

How lucky am I that when I turn to my husband and my fear says out loud - maybe I should quit, maybe I should give up and get a job that pays consistently instead of chasing this crazy impossible dream - he always says, no, I believe in you, stick with it.  We'll make it work.

Five years.  I feel lucky.  Ask me again at ten, but I feel pretty lucky.