Recently I mentioned I am in the midst of a "year of no bitterness". That's the plan, at least. A couple of years ago, when every audition ended with, "Nope, not you," I got discouraged. Deeply discouraged. That discouragement ended up taking the form of a great deal of bitterness - why did that person get picked, etc. etc. Why why why. What's wrong with me, blah blah blah.
Trust me, I didn't enjoy it either. But somehow, I couldn't stop. I couldn't let it go, because I was losing so often there was no refuge, no safe place to leave my brain.
About eighteen months ago, I got lucky. Technically, I guess my luck shifted two years ago, when someone called me up out of the blue and said, hey, can you be in this show? We needed you yesterday. Nope, you don't need to audition, we know you can do this, just show up. It was the boost I needed to get myself back in the game - it wasn't easy, but I started showing up to auditions with a more positive attitude and the faint hope that I had something to offer.
Then a stroke of real luck came my way - a shockingly awesome project - a big step forward in terms of my resume, my experience, my realm of contacts. And as any of you who might be following this will remember, I also really really enjoyed it. I enjoyed the hell out of it. It changed the way my brain worked, I enjoyed it so much.
There's no getting around the fact that I was lucky to get cast in that project, and in everything that's come my way since then. So this New Year's, I resolved that there was no place for any bitterness in a life that has this kind of luck in it.
Recently, I went to see a play I was not in, and I watched someone play a role that I couldn't help thinking I could have played. I wasn't falling into bitterness, though, I was just noticing it, clocking possibilities. After the show, I was hugging people I know and genuinely praising everyone's work (it was a lovely production), when I ended up in conversation with that actress and a few other people. And that actress made the comment that anyone could have done her track, and shortly after that, someone else mentioned the show I had done and how lovely that production was, and I made a similar comment that lots of people could have been cast in my track as well.
It finally struck me: all the time I spent being jealous and bitter about roles I hadn't gotten, someone out there was probably thinking (and rightly so) that they could have done the roles I did get better than I did.
Some of those actresses are right - they would have been better than I was. (And occasionally I am right and I would have been better than they were.)
So is there really an objective rhyme or reason to every casting decision? Is it really the most talented person getting the work every time? Maybe, but there are a bunch of us on about the same level up for a finite number of roles. I finally realized, it's such a waste of energy to be worried about the ones you didn't get. Let those go. I won some of them.
This is easier to say when you do win some of them. But I have, and as much as I always want more, I want to move ahead cheering all of us on, believing that my turn will come if I keep my best self out there.
So, Year of No Bitterness. At the very least, I'm much more fun at parties.
I should be clear - I don't think this attitude makes me any better than any one else - it just happens to make me happier, and I hope, more fun out in the world.
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