I feel hollowed out, the way a doll no one is playing with lacks personality. I'm not animated by anything.
It's preferable to feeling miserable, I suppose.
When the wonderful husband is around, I know exactly how to behave, or at least how to try to behave. I have been in support mode for about 5 days, and I understand that. There's purpose in being someone's lifeline.
And truth be told, there was a moment today when I thought something really cool was happening for me. (The husband would have been excited about it, too.) And then, abruptly, it was clear it wasn't.
There are lots of little kids in the family that just gathered for this funeral, and we've been playing with them over these past few days. One of them has one of those boards you write or draw on and when you push a slide across the board, it wipes it clean and you can start again.
I feel like that, only, as I sit here, I can't decide...what should I draw next? What should I do next?
I think maybe I'll just sleep and go running a lot. Also, maybe it will help to do a show tonight? I'm not sure about that. This is a hard show to be doing at this time. I feel disconnected from that, too.
Oh, well. I'll go to bed early and sleep late and see what appears on the horizon.
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