Das Loop

My life is currently on some strange feedback loop where I get to examine the past and who I was there and the choices I've made. The universe is fucking with me, I can tell.

Naturally, I see everything a little differently from fifteen, twelve, eight years later. But I look for themes, so I find them. Our computer age means that in theory, I don't have to recall the situations from memory, I could just go find the emails and chats I saved and get a sense of how certain things went down.

Except that I went through and threw away a lot of supporting material at some point in an attempt to free myself of its effects. Which I find odd because I normally save everything. So now what is interesting is to read the handful of things I actually did save, think about why I saved those few messages, and ruthlessly dissect the few remaining clues.

Oh, by the way, the themes I noticed? I get obsessed with things easily, and I've been far far too afraid of making a mistake.

The obsession tendency...I have it with songs, people, food, clothing. I'll find something I like and play it to death or wear it out or eat it all the time. And then sometimes I'm just done with it, and I never listen to that song again, after having played it a million times before. With people, I concentrate on a few, and I try to know them well. Sometimes very very well. I get immersed, emmeshed, fascinated.

In general, the people I care about remain important, as opposed to getting tossed aside when I've worn through them. I'm finding, sometimes inconveniently, that once I've loved you, there's always a pocket of that feeling left. Maybe it would be more accurate to say, once I've trusted you, there's always a spare bedroom of care you can crash in. I'm thinking of friends as much as romances. My closest friend today I knew in high school.

I guess the downside of the above is I don't always let things go. Which in turn leads to some very stalker-like tendencies. (Yes, Michael P, that time I "ran into" you in your office building? I was pretty much looking for you, even though I pretended it was total coincidence. But you knew that. Thanks for playing along.) Which is why I was pleasantly surprised that I managed to toss whole reams of internet interaction from my past. Although next time I go home to my parents' house I bet I find at least one folder of things I kept. But still, hey, it's not around! I don't look at it all the time! For a stalker, that's growth.

Theme Two: Fear. Wow. I wish I could time travel and set myself straight on some of this. I would love to see what would have happened to me if I'd had true audacity to go with my big mouth. I would have gone to Sarah Lawrence. I would have gotten drunk more. I would have made a lot more mistakes. I would have better stories.

I know the answer is to start living with no fear NOW. I'd like to. Habits are strong, and there's more at risk now, more to lose. Still.

Still.


All right, then. I'm getting used to wearing three inch heels and getting my way.


Maybe it's time to buy my own pin-striped suit and start kicking some ass. I threw all that stuff away to have room for what's NEXT.


Bring it, universe. Bring it.