Re: Your title here

So, I don't think anyone reads this - and I'm not complaining, I never write it, so the fault is mine, right? It was just a place for me to throw all sorts of thoughts that had no other place in my life. And send secret messages to men who weren't my husband. But two things happened to severely limit my blog time. One: I did finally accept that the men who weren't my husband that I was targeting were not receiving the messages (and that really, my husband was the man I was most interested in, full stop). Two: I got laid off from a desk job that paid me to sit in front of a computer.

But I have sort of a day job again, and sometimes it lets me sit in front of a computer and get paid. Rarely, but sometimes. Guess what tonight is.

And the fact that that most of the men I'd like to communicate with don't read this blog has turned out to be fortunate. Marriage, it turns out, doesn't mean every particle of your interest in the opposite sex has focused itself into one other human being. It means you don't act on any of those interests, but it doesn't mean you don't have them. I am lucky - I have realized that my husband isn't perfect, but no one else I meet could ever possibly give me the relationship we have. Three years in, I still feel lucky and loved. And that I made the right choice for me. Even his imperfections suit me.

But there are all these other men. Men from the past, men from right now, men I have yet to meet, and they are often Interesting. It's like looking back over a Choose Your Own Adventure Book at the turnings you didn't take.

I made a scattershot list the other day of Men I Should Have Slept With - it was surprisingly short, considering I didn't get around much, and there were notable omissions (the man I was totally, head over heels in love with for a year overseas? Not on it). Here's what's funny: I don't really mind not sleeping with them. Ok, well, there is ONE person that the universe and I agree I should have darn well slept with, but it's not who you might expect. Mostly it's a list of sweet men that I was too scared to trust, but would most likely have been very trustworthy.

Aw, side note. Susan - one of the people who made the list was that guy from Ireland, the one who had murdered someone in self-defense and you kept calling him "the murderer?" Thanks for messing that one up for me. He was sexy. That was one good time I really ought to have had.

But overall, I traded trying lots of people out for the privilege of being able to personally make a decision about who those people would be. No one ever forced me, no one ever guilted me into it, no one ever got me drunk.

While that may strike some as a shame, it makes me feel powerful.

It may also strike some (and rightly so) that I might have control issues. Hmmm.

See, this is where it helps that no one reads this. My mother would have a heart attack reading this.

Anyway, I've met men in the last month that I want to add to the list, but I can't really say I SHOULD have slept with them, since I'm married and some of them are also married, and that matters. I don't ever plan to cheat on my husband - it's not worth losing him. No, seriously, there is not a single person whose bedroom skills would be worth losing the best relationship I have ever had. And since it's true for my marriage, it's also never worth the karmic fallout of ruining someone else's relationship (for me).

But I'm not blind, deaf, or resistant to flattery. So there's a new list:

Men I Would Like to Have Slept With.

Are you on it? Probably not. Then again, some of you may be. It's a short list, but it does have room for growth.