Short-lived

Wow.  No matter what happens to you as an actor, there is no way to safeguard against feeling like shit when you don't get cast.  You could win a Tony, and still feel like shit the next day when someone else gets cast instead of you.  Well, I suppose that may not be true - since I *clearly* haven't won a Tony, I don't really know. 

This is one of those moments when I think, why, why do I do this?  Why not just hang it up and go make money? 

No, that's bullshit.  I know I why I do it.  But I wish there would be a huge thunderstorm, and I could go out in the middle of a field, and scream for a while that it is some kind of sick sick joke when someone is given the desire and the determination, but not the luck or the talent for success.

You know what I miss?  Not the money, not seeing my family, not good weather, not QUITE living in the UK, not hearing rain on the tin roof, not childhood or my first love, not having a house, not having fantastic clothes, not being rail thin, not being Thumbelina in the school play, not all the friends I've lost.

I miss being good at something.  I know this sounds like self-pity, and to some extent I'm sure it's born of that, but I miss being good at something.  I'd say "anything", but I'm still good at working the copy machine, for instance, and that's not getting it done for me.

Being good at something feels like flying in a dream, and right now it feels like I know that I'll never be able to dream that again.  And how sad would you be if you thought you could Never Ever dream about flying? 

Well, good-bye, incredibly short-lived three weeks of confidence.  Hello, alcohol.  We've never really gotten to know each other, and that seems like a shame.  I hear you're good at making people forget.