One down

Okay, I was able to get a hold on myself and refocus.  One audition has been successfully hurdled - I may or may not have been brilliant, it's a subjective medium and I couldn't see myself, but I was able to:

• show up on time and prepared
• dress appropriately
• do my piece with confidence and with some actual choices in place
• not apologize
• make minor small talk without impeding the flow of the audition

While I wish I could tell you I was totally amazing and they'll call me in for every show this season, instead I can report I showed up and tried to show them who I was.

I'm trying to stop thinking about these auditions as thresholds of fear and instead be grateful for the tiny vote of confidence it is to be seen.  The theatre I just did an audition for, less than an hour ago - well, I would LOVE to work for them.  I love their work, I love what they do, and I would count myself super lucky to be involved there as an actor.  And, that theatre had my information and chose, for whatever reason, to audition me for their general auditions.  They contacted me with an audition time.

I haven't done a general audition at that theatre for four, maybe five years?  So the fact that they saw me today, that's the victory, that's the success. 

This weekend, while I was feeling so very frightened, I looked back over a lot of the entries here on the blog, back when I did an Equity show, back when things seemed to be coming together.  I wanted so much to turn those experiences into more success, more work, and instead, for whatever reason, the economy or bad luck or still possibly my own lack of ability, it didn't.  So I was saying to my husband, "Do you think I'll ever get to do an Equity show again?"  His answer was, "If that's what's important to you...."

Within a millisecond, I realized I definitely hope to do an Equity show again someday, but that wasn't what was most important to me:

"I just want to be in a project that means something to me again someday."

His response, so true that most of my roiling fear settled immediately: "Well, of course that will happen."

That's right.  And probably more than once.  But I won't get cast in them if I stay in my room second-guessing myself or my talent.  Bad actors get cast too - we all see them all the time, so my talent or lack thereof isn't even the point. 

Time to roll up my sleeves and get back to work.  One scary scary audition has been faced down and conquered...more to come.