So, I've been putting off dealing with the fact that I have some general auditions next week. I always claim to like auditions - and I do, I feel like often they are my only chance to act anymore, and on the rare occasion I can surprise even myself, I feel connected, I feel capable.
But to be honest, my recent track record with auditions is frighteningly bad. I haven't booked a job from an audition in over two years. And the last audition I did I thought, hey, it'll be great! I work with this company every year, they have to cast me! I went in, hoping to break my streak, and felt pretty good about what I did. Then I got a special phone call from the producer, saying, hey, we just want to check that you'll still do the season with us, after we tell you the tiny little roles we cast you in. So even when a company has to cast me from the audition, they will make sure to give me as little as possible to do, just so I don't ruin the plays for them.
General auditions are just that, general, and often phoned in by the companies that are seeing you. As in, they have to hold general auditions, but they have already cast their entire season from people they already know. But surprise! I have just this evening realized I am scared out of my mind. Possible crying jag coming up.
First, before I get into details, let me explain that I figured out I am terrified when I noticed I had made a batch of buttercream icing with almond flavoring from scratch. And ate it. Licked it right off the spoon. I think this is a pretty good indicator that I am stressed.
So, what's different?
Because an audition is an opportunity to show someone what you've got and I have nearly run out of belief that I have anything to show. I feel like I'm going to market with an empty truck, how am I going to sell air?
Just...I don't want to sound all woe-is-me, I mean this quite baldly: the fact that I have not been chosen so many times in a row seems to me an indicator that I have no ability in this field. There are lots of hints - a theatre where I did a bunch of shows has stopped calling me to audition, the theatre I work with every summer has me playing almost nothing, the cabaret review I've been involved in for three years didn't ask me to do year 4... When do I catch on to what everyone else already knows?
But I LOVE it. I love it so much. I love doing it so much I'll do bad plays with bad actors and love it. And the chance to be seen by theatres I would really love to work for, it's overwhelming, it's terrifying, it's a death sentence if I screw it up.
Ok, death sentence sounds dramatic, I know. But I'm out of moxie. I've got no belief left - I haven't surprised myself at an audition in so long. Maybe the reason I continue to fail is that I haven't got the talent you need to succeed. And if I get to the point that I truly believe that, that not an ounce of me thinks I can do it, I'm finished, kaput. If that happens, how on earth do I survive it? I won't do anything dramatic like kill myself, but in a way, that's worse, you know? I'd just be mostly dead inside for another, what, thirty, forty years?
Or, hey, yes, I could find something else I like to do, sure. Something I like, not love. But even then, even shunted into some minor path of least resistance, I'll think of myself as a failure.
This is why I'm so scared. I don't WANT to fail. I don't want to be the person I'm describing. If this were a film, I would feel so very scared, this would be the entry into the third act, the dark night of the soul, and next week I'd be brilliant in my auditions and everything would turn around! I want to triumph, I want to get to do the thing I love and I want to be good at it.
Right now that seems like a pipe dream, I'll admit. My life isn't a film.
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