Stunned

Wow.  I found a BUNCH of stuff I wrote in the past, and it is...shocking? revealing? hilarious? eye-opening?

First, apparently I have the ability to write great text with a great idea...that lasts about 2-3 pages.  I don't seem to be able to follow through on an idea.  There's this great bit about a caretaker who kills her charge because no matter who she works for, she gives that family/person what they need, and this person needed killing.

Sadly, I have no idea why s/he needs killing, I didn't write that part.  I'm not even sure who got killed, aging grandma or tiny tot.  But even if I'm explaining it badly, it sounds really intriguing for the two pages it lasts.

And laced through all of this are the hopes and loves of a previous me.  And there is no doubt that I behave like an idiot for most of the time.  I (currently) pride myself on being fairly even-tempered, not the drama queen that's expected in my profession.  HA!  Oh, I know how to luxuriate in the drama...it's as if I subsist only on milk.  As in, milking it.

However, I am cheered by all of this, if only because one of the most aggravating, most disturbing pieces is an eight-page account of my slow acceptance that something vaguely romantic had ended.  (Sorry to be so irritating - I couldn't call it a romance and I wasn't dating this person, so I'm stuck without a label.)  I'm cheered because in the ensuing years I actually seem to have learned something, progressed, even (gasp!) grown up a little.

The story makes two interesting points I no longer believe:  1) If this gentleman is no longer interested in me, I must be uninteresting, and 2) without this person to amuse me, I am bored.

Hooray!  Two demons completely vanquished!  No one person has that much power over me anymore. (Except maybe my husband, but it's balanced by the power I have over him.)

But even better, I was transported back to that girl for a second last night, and when I got back to me, I realized I was sitting in rehearsal to be in a Shakespeare play.  And I would get paid to be in that play.  Both facts that seemed distantly impossible to certain previous me's.  Look at me!  I'm getting what I want!  Not all the time, perhaps, but sometimes.

And then we all danced a square dance for the end of the play!  Really!  And I was happy.