Four Hours Ago...

Ok, the good news is I pulled out of the worst of the bleakness, the bad news is I might be heading back in. I had an audition today, and it was for something I'd really like to do - I'd REALLY like to do. And I tried to be charming and adjustable and a collaborator, and it was good, really, it was ok. But at the end, I just felt sort of dismissed, and I thought, nope, someone will be better at that than I just was. Which is ok, really, it's so much higher a place than not going through this! But...

Last year about this time I had a very similar experience. A project came up that I really had a chance for - it was an understudy gig, but it would have been with a theatre I love and understudying people who are amazingly talented as well as well-placed in the scene. And I went and did a good job! I felt really happy about what I showed them and about my chances, even if I did not feel like I was a shoe-in. And I didn't get it.

So I know I don't know the result of today, but it feels the same, and I think, great! I keep showing up at these theatres for whom I long to work, and I am getting enough feedback back to realize I really have a shot at these roles (else why would they call me for callbacks and such?), and yet I continue not to book them. How long, oh lord, how long? A year has gone by and I'm in the same place. How many more years go by before something syncs up and I'm actually in the right place at the right time and get to do the thing I love???

And I feel disappointed in what I showed them today. I don't think it was enough. But I can't tell. I hate feeling I've disappointed myself - it was almost easier last year, when I felt good about what I showed them but didn't get it. I wonder if someday I'll actually be at a level where I am the reader on an audition like this, and look back and think, whew! I finally got to do what I love! How freaking lucky will I feel. And hey, if by some magic I have booked this show, even though it doesn't feel like that right now, how amazingly, stunningly, thrillingly lucky will I feel. Even though it would just be a small part in an ensemble. Ah, well. It may not happen. And if it doesn't, I get to deal with that however I can. I guess, in a way, just the fact I had a shot at it is progress? I have to tell myself that.