I had someone critique me recently as an actor and a human being, and I can't shake how uneasy and uncertain it has made me feel. First, a caveat: the comments were absolutely true - I recognized myself without fail in what this person was saying, and I recognized that the advice I was getting about changing my behavior was sound.
But what I was forced to acknowledge about myself made me feel...I'm not sure how to put it...sick to my stomach. I never like making mistakes, even though I realize intellectually that making mistakes is the only way we can possibly learn anything. So part of this dread is realizing I've been making mistakes.
The other part is that while this person didn't speak for anyone but themselves, I'm sure to have exhibited this behavior elsewhere. Which leads me to this possibility - do I fail to get work as an actor because I am a nightmare to work with??
That's a terrifying thought. Horrifying. Debilitating. It can't be universally true, because my actor/director friends would treat me differently if it were. But it is doubtless absolutely true in certain situations. Which is keeping me awake at nights now.
More and more I feel my vanity is in my own way. And I'm bored by it!! Aren't you? Wow, I wish I didn't waste any time at all worrying about being good or pretty or right. Someone will always be prettier and better and more right - probably more often as I age! But I don't know how to do without it, or how to circumvent it, or how to retrain it.
Hmmm. This is where I desperately need to reinvent myself because I've become an utter bore even to myself.
Maybe that leather miniskirt/taking up smoking thing needs to happen right away.
Maybe I just need habermasgal and tee to move to town and have weekly dinners with me.
I'll cook....we don't even have to spend money...
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