Unfortunate

I blew an audition today, and it's still bugging me.  I can't shake the feeling of failure, the re-playing of all my mistakes, my utter inability to get on top of what I was doing instead of having it swallow me.  It wasn't horrific, yet I feel wretched when I think of it, the mis-steps, the feeling of "oh, I'm choosing the wrong song to sing now and this is going off the rails and my legs are shaking just a little because I'm nervous in a way I can't master, can't overcome".

Interestingly, my experience outside the audition was enviable.  A bunch of people were auditioning who I know, and I know them all to be absolutely top notch.  Better, I've worked with all of them in some capacity.  Some are working in awesome shows right now, some just auditioned to work in upcoming awesome shows, but of course everyone was there to audition for this company and this summer.

And everyone was really nice.  Genuinely nice, as to a peer.  Not that any of them would have been mean to me, it's not that kind of town, but there's a difference between being cordial and being friendly, and these folks were all really warm and friendly.  I was a walk-in, I got there really early because I had very little time to spare and if I didn't get in during the first hour and a half, I'd have to give up for the day, or doubletrack across town hoping to be seen.  Right as I was reaching my deadline, the monitor put me in the lineup, and the two people I knew who were left in the audition room actually gave a little cheer for me!  I was really touched.

So then it feels in some ways like I let all of those people down by being off-kilter and shaky and not showing my best self.  It somehow shames me all the more.  I feel like it's been a long time since I've felt successful at a singing audition, which is odd because I feel very confident singing with big bands.  But somehow it isn't the same, and I cringe to remember any of it, and I was definitely dismissed without being asked to come to a callback, or really without being asked anything at all.  "Thank you.  Goodbye."

I need to get better, and fast.  How do I do that??