Today I downloaded a bunch of new music and went running and cooked dinner for my husband and focused on the positive and sang while I did the dishes. It's gonna be ok. I'm still, underneath, sad, so sad. And it's not just that the show closed. I feel deeply sad that I'm older now without being wiser, that I've lost track of people I cared about while hanging on to some that didn't value me at all. I feel deeply sad that I've fallen so far short of what I want myself to be, what I think I might be capable of being. I feel deeply sad that as I'm getting older, I'm losing some things and right now, I can't see what replaces them. Nothing? Emptiness?
I feel deeply sad I only ever write lists of things.
But on the other hand, going running outside, the lakefront path clear while all the grass remains covered with a blanket of snow, listening to new music that doesn't have any associations just yet, cooking whatever I choose for dinner, watching a movie in bed, making plans to see neglected friends, giving in to yet another %&*$ list, I can make a little bit of peace with the rest of it. I am in more control than I thought, and I still have all the things I want within my grasp.
Well, close to all the things I want. Really, really close.
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