The weeping must stop

I thought this post would be about the really frustrating kids I am teaching this week.  But I just whined on facebook about that, so, no.

Instead I'd like to mark in print for myself that I couldn't stop weeping on the bus today, which is worrying.  Low-level weeping, not totally uncontrollable - tears but not shoulder shaking.  And yes, lots of things could be behind this - I mean I have reasons to weep, sure, who doesn't?  Death is a good reason, and letting something or someone go, and tiredness and frustration.  Disappointment, anger, being passed over - all good reasons.

But these are things I'd like to imagine I have the stamina to withstand.  Or maybe normally these things, which we all deal with at different times and at different measures, are balanced by the good things.  Don't get me wrong!  I have some good things!  If I didn't, I'd probably not be able to get out of bed.

Which is my point.  I seem to be lacking a fundamental ability to cope on an ordinary, regular level with much of my own bitterness and disappointment and sadness.  If I had any money at all, I would start investigating medical solutions.  Though, tricky - medicine could improve my mood (maybe), but can never make me a better actor, which, truth be told, is what I really want.

Which is my underlying query to myself these days - is happiness overrated?  Is discontent the driving force toward action, or improvement?  If I medically took the edge off of my sadness (presuming I could afford to do so - not a given, as I'm not sure where next month's rent is coming from because a check is late from my print job in APRIL), would I be stuck at this point forever, or will my dissatisfaction with my present state eventually galvanize me toward a better conclusion?

Which brings me to a different question:  do I want more than I have the talent to achieve?