Looking down the barrel

Last night, I just wasn't good enough.  I wasn't dreadful, I wasn't horrific, I was just bland and unexciting and wimpy.  The equivalent would be if I were weightlifting and suddenly realized I could only lift half of what I had expected to lift.  What happened to those muscles?  How did I lose them?

I am prone to deep insecurity and often paralyzed with self-doubt, but this is different.

Dispassionately, objectively, I wasn't any good at my audition last night.  I don't feel despair, because knowing that, there's the chance I could work at getting better.  I've been quite lazy, overall, so it's no surprise I can't execute the way I want to or believed I once could.  Perhaps my awareness of my lack of ability is really due to the fact that I'm working on a top level right now, with the best in the field, and whatever ability I have in that realm is significantly less than those around me.  I mean, I'm a single threat - a double threat at most on my very best magical days, and I'm surrounded by people who can belt high notes and kick their faces and emote all day and land the laugh lines.  Most of them have been doing all of that for years.  In contrast, I'm a newbie.

I'll admit that it doesn't feel good, however.  I don't feel bitter today, which I suppose is progress for me, but I feel disappointed in myself.  I have come up against my own estimation and found it is inaccurate.

How exactly does one work one's way back from that?  Because that's what I need to do, and I'm not convinced I know how.  I'm on the precipice of failing myself permanently, and I plan to work very hard to avoid that fall.  The fear grows nonetheless.

In other news, I plan to enjoy the two amazing shows I get to do today entirely, fully, completely.  Because regardless of last night, someone trusted me enough to put me into a project that really is at the top of what our community can do.  Is it enough for me to play background old ladies the rest of my life?  No.  Do I currently have the chops to do anything bigger?  It doesn't seem so.

Ok.  To work.  I don't know how to do this, but I'm guessing doing something is going to get me a lot closer than doing nothing.